A Second Chance, A Second Life
by The Animaniac Dude
Summary: While the ashes of Konoha's will of fire are still smouldering, Naruto, the Rokudaime Hokage, uses a forbidden jutsu to go and right the wrongs of the past. What will happen when gods exist and time itself bends its knee to Naruto? NaruSaku. Discontinued.
1. The jutsu

A/N: hi, this is the animaniac dude, and welcome to A Second Chance, A Second Life! Okay, people, this is my first story and I'm really edgy about it, so push the little button at the bottom and review! The little button likes the attention! Okay, on with the story! by the way, here's a shout-out to Kokou no Shin'en and The Kyuubi's Gift, that's the time travel fic that i read that inspired me for this story!

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Konoha was in flames. The five remaining survivors stood on the Hokage monument and watched as the invading forces of sound, rock and cloud destroyed their dreams. The leader of this small band watched impassively as the hard work of all the Konoha-nins died in vain. 'Ero-sennin… Obaa-Chan… Sakura-Chan… why...?' one of the survivors sensed his grief and tried to cheer him up. "Rokudaime-sama, all is not lost! As long as we live, Konoha survives! So do not think on the unyouthful past, and rather look to the future!"

Naruto smiled and turned to his war general, Rock Lee. Ever since Gai died in a sound attack, he had matured drastically, stopping referring to things as youthful or unyouthful almost to extinction, though he couldn't quite kick the habit. When asked about it, all he says is, "with age comes wisdom. I have stopped denying that I have one thing I don't have in exchange for another thing I do have." He then turned to the rest of the group.

There was Shikamaru, who was still the same shougi-playing, cloud-watching lazy ass he was in his youth, though he a lot more brutal in his job as war advisor after the loss of his beloved wife, Temari. After that, he had taken up a nindo: "nothing is troublesome enough to justify civilian lives lost."

Kiba, chief of intelligence and espionage, was a lot more morbid than in his youth, which could probably be attributed to the fact that he lost both Akamaru and Hinata, his girlfriend of 6 months, on the same day. Ironically, they were killed on the very day that Kiba was about to propose to Hinata.

There was Chouji, quartemaster and ration poisoning tester, who had replaced all the gut he had for well toned muscle, per orders of Ino, who was his girlfriend of a whole 1 week before she went MIA. The rumours state that she died fighting 25 Iwa jounin in a cave, and caused it to cave and kill them all.

Finally, there was Gaara, who had traded in his Kazekage robes for a Konoha hitai-ite after Suna, along with his siblings, Temari and Kankurou, were decimated by 10 platoons of sound cursed seal warriors, led by Orochimaru himself.

Naruto sighed and shook his head clear of those thoughts, before they led to how his own precious people died. "Thanks, Lee. I needed that. But I still can't help thinking about the past. In the past is where the memories are, both good and bad." Naruto lowered his head as the memories flowed over him. Then his head shot up. "The past…" he whispered to the wind. "Kiba! Did you get the forbidden scroll like I told you?"

Hai, Hokage-sama. It's right here." Kiba replied as he reached for a scroll. He pricked his thumb and spread the blood along its length. An oversized scroll poofed into existence. Everybody sweatdropped. 'A scroll within a scroll…' were more or less the thoughts of everybody there, excluding Kiba, who was oblivious to his comrade's predicament.

Naruto shook his head and got down to business. "Thank you Kiba." He then reached for the scroll and began to skim the contents for the jutsu he was looking for. A few minutes later he found it. "Aha! I knew I'd find it in here. It's as forbidden as it gets!" everybody began to worry at these words. "Okay, guys, I'm gonna need to know your elemental affinities for this to work." Naruto pulled out some chakra cards from his pocket. "I assume you all know how these work. Just channel your chakra into these and tell me what happens." Naruto handed them all out to everybody, except Lee, as he can't channel chakra.

Shikamaru was the first to talk. "I don't know what your planning, Naruto, but it's going to be troublesome, I can tell this much. Anyways, my card just sort of crumpled in on itself."

'Lightning, eh? Interesting…' Naruto thought to himself as Kiba started talking. "Ha! Mine was cooler than yours! Mine turned into dust! Beat that!" he jovially exclaimed. 'Kiba always did act like how he was before Hinata and Akamaru died with a new toy or jutsu. So he's earth, huh? So far so good…' Naruto again thought as Chouji was next.

Well, mine got really wet. I mean, REALLY wet. It broke because it was so wet. See?" he pointed down to the ground, and there was his chakra card, snapped in half and soaking wet. 'Water? I wasn't expecting that, especially such a strong affinity for it. But the jutsu will work still! I thought it would be shot down by now!' Naruto happily thought. It was going to work! But apparently, fate had other plans as Gaara spoke. "Mine was the same as Kiba's."

"Dammit! I was so sure…" Naruto sank to his knees as his master plan crumbled before his eyes. The others eyed him with varying levels of curiosity as he broke down in front of them. Gaara, in an extraordinary moment of sympathy, tried to console him.

"Naruto, calm down. The Kage must be a pillar of strength to his village and the ninja he commands. Besides, if you keep this up, Kyuubi will have a field day with this." The group nodded. Naruto started to cry.

"Well, damn the Kyuubi, because I don't-" Naruto froze. "Kyuubi! That's it! Gaara, you're a genius!" Naruto pulled out yet another chakra card and fed the demon fox's chakra into it. The card burst into flames. "YES! It will work!" he jumped up off of his knees and punched the air as the group of ninjas became confused at his sudden change of mood over a flaming chakra card, with the exclusion of Kiba, who was complaining about Naruto having a cooler reaction than he did. "Okay, this is going to take precise actions on your parts, so listen up, and do exactly as I say…"

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A few minutes later, the ninjas were positioned on the five points of a pentagon like so: Naruto was standing on the top point, the kanji for 'fire' stenciled into the ground. Standing to his left was Chouji, the kanji for 'water' also written in the ground. To HIS left were both Gaara and Kiba, the kanji for 'earth' beneath their feet. To their left was Shikamaru, the kanji for 'lightning' written as well. The only point left open was to naruto's right, the kanji for 'wind' standing out on its lonesome. Five lines were drawn from the points, converging in the center, where Rock Lee was standing.

Naruto walked up to Lee. "Okay, Lee. You have the hardest part of the jutsu. I'll show you the part you have to do, and I'll ask you if you can manage it." Naruto handed him the forbidden scroll. Lee's thick eyebrows shot up.

"Naruto! You're going to use this jutsu!? You can't do it!"

"Can you do it?" Naruto asked, the ice in his words a few steps away from becoming visible.

"You know what happened to those who tried! We could-"

"CAN YOU DO IT!?" He screamed, causing everybody but Lee to wince.

"Well, yes, but-"

"No buts! By order of the Rokudaime Hokage, you ARE going to go through with this jutsu!" he yelled. "Besides, we're going to die anyways, so might as well give it a shot," he added in a whisper, so that nobody but Lee could hear it. He walked back to his position. "Kage bunshin no jutsu!" he yelled, causing one clone to appear in the wind position.

"Everybody. I know that I have only been Rokudaime for a short while. I know that many people have shunned and hated me because of the burden I carry. But I need your utmost faith on this. The jutsu we are about to perform has never had anyone test it and live to tell the tale." Everyone gulped at this. "We may quite possibly die performing this. But if this works, we can fix everything. We can save Konoha and our precious people." Shikamaru's eyebrows almost shot off of his forehead as he realized what he was implying. 'I always knew he was a genius." Naruto thought wryly. "So who's with me!?"

There was silence. Then Gaara stood up. "I will go through with it. You changed me, Naruto. I was a demon, hated by all and trained to have no feelings, only to kill. Then you showed up. You were the exact same as me. You said that all it took was to have recognition for who you are, and not what you have inside you. You gave me back my life. I say, a life for a life." He said in possibly one of the most inspirational speeches he'd ever given. Slowly but surely, everybody else agreed to it.

"You guys…" Naruto whispered, on the verge of tears, emotional because of the amount of faith they had in him. "Thank you. I promise you, this will not go to waste." He said as he pulled his emotions together. "Okay, you guys have to channel all the chakra in your entire being into the grooves in the ground leading to Rock Lee. And when I say all, I mean ALL. All as in you could die from chakra burnout all. Lee, you know what to do." Everybody nodded and began the procedure. The symbols for wind, fire, earth, water, and lightning started glowing, as the chakra flowed along the grooves towards Lee. The chakra converged and flew into Lee. He flinched from the pain of foreign chakra entering his veins.

"Lee, now!" Naruto yelled through clenched teeth, it was hard having a bunshin draining all the natural chakra AND channeling demon chakra at the same time, not to mention painful as hell.

Lee nodded and started making hand seals. The chakra flow increased, causing pain to the donors, and caused Lee to grit his teeth and make the hand seals faster. And so it continued, the chakra flow increasing the faster the hand seals went, causing the hand seals to go even faster, creating a tourniquet of pain. Just as the pain was about to cause everybody to pass out, Lee reached the final seal, and screamed out, "FORBIDDEN NINJA ARTS: FIVE ELEMENT SECRET RELEASE: FATHER TIME MANIPULATION NO JUTSU!" the kanji for 'time' appeared underneath Rock Lee's feet as a blinding white light enveloped the five, and they knew no more.

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Orochimaru was enjoying this day. Today, that blasted Konohagakure was destroyed. He had also enjoyed killing the populace. Especially that pink haired one, Sasuke called her Sakura.

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_Flashback no jutsu_

_Orochimaru had just finished killing Tsunade. 'It helps that she thought that I was here to turn myself in. kukuku' he laughed. Suddenly he froze. Someone was coming in! "_

"_Tsunade-shisou, I finished the work you-" Sakura froze mid-step. There was Sasuke, with Tsunade slumped over the desk, not breathing. "s-Sasuke-kun?" she stuttered._

_Orochimaru smirked at the name. A second later, it was all over, a chidori-empowered hand shoved through her heart. "Yes,, Sakura-Chan, I'm your beloved Sasuke-kun. Kukuku!" he whispered in her ear. He laughed at the face that she would carry to the grave. He heard the door opening again._

"_Hey, Obaa-Chan, I want a new-" he stopped when he saw the situation. Unlike the girl, he was not fooled. "Orochi-teme," he said, voice trembling. "You killed them. YOU KILLED THEM! AAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!" he screamed, a Rasengan already in his hand. Orochimaru panicked. Unlike a normal Rasengan, this one was blood red, meaning it was using demon chakra, and therefore would hurt tenfold. He ran._

_Flashback no jutsu, Kai!_

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Speaking of Naruto, he hadn't found the Rokudaime, or his attendants, yet. He frowned. Until they were dead, the destruction of Konoha wouldn't be complete. Suddenly, he sensed a MASSIVE chakra flare, coming from the Hokage monument. He whipped his head around. He recognized the jutsu. "NO! STOP THEM!" he screeched as his world grew black and he fell to the ground.

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Kakashi was hurt badly. A chidori aimed for the heart would do that to you. (I said AIMED FOR, people, not through, AIMED FOR! one of my reviewers pointed out this flaw) He seriously regretted teaching Sasuke that move. He had managed to drag himself up to the Hokage monument, to hide behind some bushes and lick his wounds. He doubted that it would help if Orochimaru came up here, but it should fool the average Joe ninja. Suddenly he heard Lee scream, "FORBIDDEN NINJA ARTS: FIVE ELEMENT SECRET RELEASE: FATHER TIME MANIPULATION NO JUTSU!" his eyebrows shot up. They were attempting that jutsu! And with a Jinchuuriki and two Kages, it should work! Kakashi put on a burst of speed he didn't know he had as he raced to get into the jutsu. His fingertips brushed the pillar of light as he fell down, and his world blackened.

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"Uunngg," was the collective sound heard as Naruto awoke. His ninja senses quickly took in the surroundings. There was Kiba, Gaara, and Shikamaru coming to about the same time he was. Rock Lee was still out cold. So was Kakashi-sens- wait! Kakashi-sensei!? His head jerked over to the prone form of Kakashi. Yep, that was him, all right. But why was he here? That thought was quickly banished from his head as a devilish thought entered his head. Naruto quickly stood up, his muscles extremely sore, and limped over to the prone body of his sensei. A smirk crossed his face as he reach for his sensei's mask.

"Uunngg," Naruto jumped back as his sensei started to sit up. 'Dammit! Why does that always happen!?' He growled. "I feel like I got hit by a chidori. Oh, wait, I DID get hit by a chidori. My bad!" Kakashi deadpanned as everybody, including Rock Lee, started to stand up. Naruto looked down at his sensei's chest and jumped back with a yell. Kakashi had a huge hole in his chest, and was still alive!? Kakashi looked down. "Hello, what's this? I would've thought that this would've healed when I entered the time stream," Naruto flinched as his sensei found out what they were doing. "Excellent job getting it to work. My compliments." His face hardened. "However, that was very irresponsible of you! You could not only have killed yourself, but your teammates! As a Hokage, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"I did what I had to do, okay!? What would you have done!? Huh? Would you rather have-"

"ENOUGH!" everybody jumped at the volume of these words. "There will be no fighting in this sacred hall. Now, the first thing I would like to say is, congratulations. You are the first people to be able to reach here. Well, the second, but they were Jinchuuriki." Everybody smirked as the unknown voice continued. "Very well. If your reasons are clear and your heart is pure, you can travel through time, for sure." The mystery voice intoned as it decided to reveal itself. A shining light broke through the dreary landscape. As the light dies down, an old man bearing an uncanny resemblance to Sarutobi stepped down.

"Ojii-Sama!? You're alive!?" the man laughed.

I guess. I've always been alive, and I always will be. I, however, am not the man you refer to. I am Father Time. Now, what do you wish of me?" nobody seemed unduly surprised at this revelation. Naruto motioned for a group huddle.

"Well? What are we gonna do? We could go back to when we just turned genin…" Chouji suggested.

"No! At the beginning of the academy. We could become rookies of the year!" Kiba said in a conspiratorial tone.

"I say we go back to the sound invasion Chuunin exams, it would be too troublesome any farther back." Shikamaru said.

"Perhaps the Hokage has an opinion? What do you say, Naruto?" Rock Lee said in a kind tone.

Naruto sighed. "I… I would like to go back to my birth… maybe be able to see my parents… before they die…" in an uncharacteristically somber tone. Everybody agreed, at seeing such a happy person so sad. He turned to Father Time. "I-" he was then struck with inspiration. "Father Time, can we each go back to a different time?" the others looked at him quizzically.

"Hmm. This is an odd request, but yes, I suppose it could be done. What time do you wish?

" I wish that we all could go back to our respective births, Father Time." Everybody was shocked. Naruto turned to the others. "Hey, this way we can practice all our jutsus and get even better without the threat of war on our doorstep and the constant interruptions of missions! To get even better to save our precious people! What do you think?"

"Hmm, it would be extremely troublesome to go through all that again, but I DO see your logic in it. Heh, and if it gets too monotone, I can always shake it up a little!" Shikamaru smirked, the thought of everything he was going to do already in his mind.

"Maybe I could atone for all the people I killed in cold blood as a child." Gaara added.

"I could train even more with taijutsu, and prove that hard work WILL overcome genius!" Rock Lee exclaimed as a testament to his former self.

"I would get to spend more time with Akamaru!" Kiba shouted, his heart racing at seeing his precious dog again.

Kakashi and Chouji remained silent. "Kakashi-sensei? Chouji? Do you have anything to say?" Naruto asked.

" I really don't want to go back to my birth, could I go back to the Kyuubi attack?" Kakashi asked, his one visible eye pleading.

"Okay. Chouji? You going to contribute?"

"I'm good with it, or whatever other plans you come up with." Chouji replied.

"Thank you." Naruto turned to Father Time. "Father Time-sama? Could Kakashi instead go to the date of the Kyuubi attack on Konoha?"

"Yes, I guess that would be acceptable." He replied. He then got a good look at who he was talking to. "Wait a minute. Slitted eyes… whisker marks… elongated canines… you wouldn't happen to be-"

Naruto's seal on his stomach glowed a dull red, and a beam of light shot out of the center of it.

"Yep, it's me all right, and it's good to be out of there!" a deep, demonic voice boomed as a shadow in the air started forming, resembling a nine-tailed fox.

"Kyuubi no Yoko, you old rascal, that's why you never answered any of my phone calls." Everybody sweatdropped. Father Time called the king of the demons? "Hey man, you missed out on this awesome party a decade ago. It had everything! It had a band, it had all-you-could-drink beer, it had- oh, wait, you wouldn't have come that huge fangirl of yours, Nibi, was there, but so was-"

"You know each other?" Naruto asked what was on everybody's mind as everybody sweatdropped a second time. The Nibi was a fangirl of Kyuubi?

"Oh, sure, we were best buds in grad school, right?" everybody sweatdropped once more. Father time and Kyuubi went to grad school?

"Yeah. And speaking of grad school, you still owe me for hooking you up with mother earth that one time. And how is the little one doing?" everybody drowned in their sweatdrops. Kyuubi is the reason the forces of time and nature merged?

"Kami-Chan is doing just fine. And I guess I'll take it like a man and pay up. What do you want?"

"Well, you know…" Kyuubi leaned in to whisper something in his ear. Father Time's eyebrows shot up.

"WHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT!??? You want THAT!?"

"Not until he's genin, at least!" Kyuubi backpedaled. "And if it gets out of hand, I'm always there!" Naruto's eyes narrowed. What were they saying about him?

Father Time sighed. "Fine, fine. I do see your logic in wanting that. Sure. Now, are you all ready for the trip?" everybody nodded. "All right then!" he waved his hand, and suddenly they all found themselves in vehicles that suspiciously resembled roller coaster cars.

A female's voice spoke up. "Please fasten your seat belts and make sure your TV trays are in the upright and locked position. Thank you and enjoy your trip through time!" nobody had the time to even sweatdrop before they were launched out of their seats, and into their new life.

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whew! i really had to get that out of my system, the plot bunnies are out to get me on this one! i'm not exactly sure when i'll be able to update, so sorry if it takes a long time! school just started, and you know how that is! REVIEW!


	2. A family found and lost

Hi! It's The Animaniac Dude again! Thank you all so much for the nice reviews! It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling! I'm REALLY sorry that this chapter took so long! Hope you guys like it!

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Naruto awoke to warm, comforting darkness. It took him a little while to sort out his thoughts as he felt himself being pushed towards a bright beam of light. 'I must still be in the womb,' was the only thought he was able to finish before he was enveloped in the light, and a sharp cold slapping any grogginess out of his mind. 'Cold! So cold!' Naruto gasped as he tried to hug himself to recover the precious body heat he was giving off, only to find he couldn't move. 'ACK! What's going on!?' Naruto panicked. Suddenly, he felt a stinging pain on his rear, forcing Naruto to cough, and causing a chunk of god-knows-what to fly out of his mouth. 'OW!' Naruto screeched out in pain. Then he realized he could breathe, as well as move. 'Oh, that's right. You need oxygen to move.' He sheepishly thought as he heard a voice speak.

"Congratulations, it's a boy," he heard a man speak as he was handed over to a woman lying in a hospital bed. Naruto inclined his head to get a better look.

The woman was more beautiful than he could ever have imagined. Her short red hair fell onto her shoulders in a way not unlike Sakura with her hair cut short. Her sky blue eyes looked down upon Naruto from her heart-shaped face with what could only be described as pure, honest motherly love. Her thin lips stretched into a caring smile. "Look, Minato. Isn't he wonderful?" she spoke with a high, whispery voice, as if she could not talk well.

Naruto did a double take. 'Minato? That isn't…' Naruto turned his head. 'It is! Oh, Kami-sama, of all people, why him!?' the person he was referring to was the Yondaime Hokage.

Now that Naruto had a good look at him, he wondered how he had never realized he was his father. They were exactly the same. They had the same spiky blonde hair, and the same deep azure eyes. The only difference was the Yondaime was spattered with blood, and his eyes were filled with worry for both of them.

"Kushina-Chan, you shouldn't talk. You need to save your energy. The doctor said-" Minato started, but his wife silenced him with a small wave of her hand.

"I know what the doctor said. Yet I can't find it in me to care. I know that I'm about to die. I can tell that I've lost too much blood." The Yondaime flinched as she launched into a coughing fit, hacking up blood. "It falls on you to make sure our son lives a good life, Minato-kun. I want to watch our little Naruto live a life of joy with Kami at my side. Take care… of him."

"Kushina…" Minato whispered, on the verge of tears. "Please… don't leave me… don't leave me all alone…" he sobbed as he leaned down into his wife for a comforting embrace.

They stayed like that for what felt like hours, but was really minutes, before Naruto felt hi mother's breathing still. The Yondaime wailed his grief to the world, screaming at the fates to give her back to him, take him instead, but give her back. Naruto felt his pain and suffering, and gave his grief-ridden father as much of a comforting hug a newly born baby can give a fully grown adult. The Yondaime looked down at his spiky haired son and picked him up to complete the embrace.

As fate would have it, an ANBU with a dog mask and suspiciously familiar gray hair chose that moment to show up in the door. "Yondaime-sama! The ANBU haven't been able to find a newborn child for the sealing! What are we going…to…" Kakashi trailed off as he looked at the father and son embracing.

The Yondaime looked pained as he thought about something. "Yes, yes, Dog, thank you. Please, give me some time with my son." Kakashi's hidden eyebrows shot up so fast Naruto wondered if they were still on his forehead. Naruto looked over Minato's shoulder and winked. Kakashi did a double take, then eye-smiled beneath his mask.

"I'm so sorry for what I must do to you, Naruto." The Yondaime whispered in his ear, and then turned to Kakashi. "Tell the Sandaime to get the sealing preparations underway. I have found a child for the sealing."

Kakashi nodded his head. "Of course, Yondaime-sama." He turned to leave, but turned his head back to say something. "Yondaime-sama. If I may be so bold, I will protect your son, and possibly tutor him, after… after the sealing." Kakashi looked as if he wished he could stop halfway after starting to speak, but managed to finish the whole sentence without faltering. "After all, many of the villagers have lost many loved ones. They may see Naruto as the reincarnation as the demon itself, instead of its jailor. There may be, and in all probability will be, attempts on his life. If it turns to this, he will need protection. I offer myself as his protection." Kakashi punctuated the end of his sentence by kneeling to the Hokage.

The Yondaime Hokage was, admittedly, surprised at this action, but then smiled at the loyalty that was shown to him. "Thank you, Kakashi." Kakashi stiffened at the use of his real name, instead of his ANBU codename. The Yondaime chuckled. "Oh, come now, Kakashi. I make it a point to be on first name terms with those I personally employ. But I digress. Find all available ninja and get to work on preparing the sealing. Get the Sandaime, too. He's almost as handy with a seal as I am." Naruto decided to file this bit of information to the back of his head, as it would no doubt come in handy.

Kakashi nodded. "Hai." He disappeared in a swirl of leaves. Minato sighed and drew a scroll and a calligraphy pen from his robe. He spread the materials on a desk and started to write.

As the Yondaime was apparently finishing up, he cocked his head. "How…?" he turned to face Naruto. "How did Kakashi know what your name was? I don't think I told him that I named it after Jiraiya-sensei's book…" Naruto was getting continually more weirded out by the penetrating stare that his father was giving him. If he could whistle, he would have, but that would not only look weird coming from a newborn baby, he doubted he would be able to until he grew some teeth. As it was, he had to settle for his best innocent look. The Yondaime shrugged and finished the scroll. He then drew a strange three-pronged kunai from his cloak and placed it in the scroll. "Let's see, do I really want to give him…?" Minato wondered aloud. He shrugged his shoulders. "Ah, what the heck. It's not like I'm going to need it where I'm going." He then drew an obsidian cylinder from a pocket on his vest and sealed it all in the scroll. He then smeared his blood on the scroll and started to make hand seals. Tiger, monkey, snake, ox, tiger. "Blood seal!" a slight shimmer played over the casing as the seal was enacted.

The Hokage turned and smiled at Naruto. "Now the idiot council can't get at my will before you do, Naruto." Naruto froze. 'Will?' Naruto knew that the Yondaime had sacrificed his life to seal the Kyuubi, but now, with the knowledge that he was his father, the words hit close to home. His father smiled a sad smile as he walked over to Naruto and picked him up. A wave of leaves blew into the room, and father and son disappeared. All that remained was the body of Uzumaki Kushina, and a lone scroll with the words, 'to Naruto', upon the desk.

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The blond-haired duo reappeared on the outskirts of the forest, with the sounds of battle faintly ringing in the distance. A group of ninjas, toiling at an altar that Naruto had a sneaking suspicion was the sealing altar, noticed their presence and turned to face them. One of them, a man with dark black hair and a goatee, stepped forward.

"Ah, Minato. Good of you to finally show up. Never mind the fact that THE KYUUBI IS ON OUR DOORSTEP!" Naruto simultaneously lost his jaw to the powers of gravity (because of recognizing him) and burst his eardrums (because of the shriek's volume). But then again, he had never heard Sarutobi, or anyone else, for that matter scream so loud.

Minato winced. "Geez, Sarutobi, why do you have to be so loud? I think you blew my son's eardrums out!" 'Too true,' Naruto thought to himself as the Sandaime gaped.

"Your son? Your son!? What are you thinking!? Do you realize that the villagers are going to try to out the child we seal it into, and you choose your son!?" Naruto felt his blood starting to boil. He knew!? Oiji-sama knew that he was going to be abused and he did nothing!? It looked as if the not-so old man was going to continue the rant, but was somewhat pacified as one of the seal ANBU explained what was going on.

The Yondaime sighed. "Well, let's get this over with." He placed Naruto in a padded cradle surrounded by candles as he began making seals. Boar, dog, bird, monkey, ram. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!" an explosion of smoke accompanied these words as a giant toad appeared.

"Who has summoned me here!?" Gamabunta roared as he looked around at the sea of trees below him. "Oh, Minato, it's you. What is it? We going for another 21 shots at the bars?" Naruto sweatdropped. What was with all the toad summoners being drinking buddies with Gamabunta? The Sandaime coughed, but the soon-to-be Jinchuuriki could have sworn that it sounded a lot like "Tsunade". The Yondaime shrugged off this deliberate jibe by the previous Hokage and shook his head.

"no, Gamabunta, I'm not going drinking with you. Last time we tried that, we blew up the bar!" he shuddered, as if remembering a nightmare. "I need a ride instead."

The toad boss was, needless to say, a little ticked off at the request. "a ride? A ride!? You summoned me for a ride!? I should-"his sentence was cut off as a section of the forest trees the Kyuubi uprooted flew into the back of his head. Gamabunta whirled around at a speed that was a lot faster than what Naruto thought a 100 meter tall toad was allowed to go. "OW! Who did that!? You will now face the wrath of-"His sentence was once again cut off with him catching sight of what they were going up against. "oh. That's why you need me."

The Hokage chuckled. "yes. That's why I need you. I hope you're not as thick-headed with my son as you are with me." Minato leaped up to the top of the toad boss's head, which was a fairly considerable feat given the height he was jumping. He turned to the remaining ninjas. "get the seal ready on my son. If I'm going to sacrifice my life, I want to be damn sure the demon's going to stay in there!" the summoner and the summoned then leaped off toward the battle.

Sarutobi sighed. "still headstrong as ever. He probably gets that from Jiraiya." He turned to the unmoving ANBU. "well? What are you waiting for, Christmas? Get to work on that seal!" the group jumped a good foot off the ground and started drawing symbols with charcoal pencils on Naruto's stomach. (A/N yes, I know that's not how the seals are made in the manga/anime, but it works for my story, so deal with it!) Naruto had to exert all of his willpower not to be affected by the tickling sensations. After a few minutes, the work was done. A loud inhuman screech was heard nearby, and all ninjas assembled turned to face whatever could be possibly threatening them, forgetting all about Naruto.

'this is my chance!' Naruto could have hugged himself with glee. In the future, as payment for an S-Class mission, an old hermit in the land of lightning applied a seal to Naruto that allowed Naruto to access the Kyuubi's chakra easier, with half of the backlash of using great quantities of it. Naruto spied a pencil that one of the seal ANBU had dropped on the table and grabbed it. It was a challenge to hold the pencil steady with his flabby, undeveloped muscles, not to mention difficult to see if he was doing it right, but he managed to get something that resembled it with the short amount of time he was allotted. And just in time too, for in the next instant, Gamabunta came barreling through the trees and landed not a few feet away from Naruto. The Yondaime slipped off of his froggy mount and stumbled towards the sealing altar, a jar with violent red chakra attacking its cage in the crook of his arm.

Naruto's father started making seals. (A/N I have no idea what seals are used, so I'm just going to make 'em up!) tiger, rat, horse, snake, dragon, tiger, boar. "four symbols seal!" a portion of the seals on Naruto's navel started glowing. Dog, bird, rabbit, horse, ox, tiger, monkey. "eight trigrams sealing style!" the rest of the seals on Naruto's stomach started to glow. (I can't find the seals for shiki fūjin, so if anybody knows them, review and tell me, and I'll put 'em in here! Until then, I'll wing it) snake, monkey, ram. "Shiki fūjin!" the Yondaime then buckled to his knees and coughed up blood as an ethereal hand protruded from his chest. Behind him was one of the most terrifying sights any human being will ever see.

The Shinigami was huge, easily eight to ten feet tall, his flowing white hair matching the color of his robes. His jagged teeth were clenched around a knife that had condemned many a soul to eternal battle within the death god. The beady yellow eyes surrounded by mottled purple skin held no emotion within them but hatred and evil. The monstrous deity reached into the jar holding the struggling Kyuubi with his other hand and thrusted the demon king into Naruto.

To say that it was painful would be an understatement. It felt as if the fires of hell were burning, always burning, but never dying, never putting you out of your misery. Then, as quickly as the pain had started, it was over. Naruto felt the ever-familiar mental connection establish between them. Naruto decided he would deal with the bastard fox later, as the Yondaime had started speaking.

"Sandaime… sorry to end your retirement… I want the village… to see Naruto as a hero… and not a demon… goodbye…" the Yondaime gurgled as his soul was dragged out of his body and subsequently consumed.

Naruto was stunned. He knew he had to die, but it still hurt. He finally had a family, a father and mother to care for him, and they disappeared as fast as they came. He was almost too surrounded by his grief that he almost missed the Shinigami speak.

"**NARUTO UZUMAKI, YOU WHO HAVE TRAVELLED THE STREAM OF TIME TO RIGHT THE WRONGS OF THE PAST. MAKE YOUR DEMANDS OF ME."** Needless to say, everyone except Naruto was confused by the travel the streams of time comment, and even Naruto was confused by the demands part.

He voiced his confusion. "Huh? What do you mean by demands, Shinigami-sama?" everybody whirled around at the sound of Naruto, a newborn baby not only speaking, but speaking coherently and intelligently. Shinigami chuckled.

"**YOU HAVE ENDURED AN ENTIRE LIFETIME OF UNJUST HATRED AND CRUELTY, AND ARE ABOUT TO START ANOTHER.** **KARMA DEMANDS THAT THE GODS REPAY."** At the questioning look from Naruto, he merely shrugged. **"HEY, EVEN GODS HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RULES. I WILL SAY, HOWEVER, THAT THIS TIME, THEY'RE SPOILING YOU ROTTEN. BUT THEN, THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED, BECAUSE IF YOU HADN'T DONE THE FORBIDDEN JUTSU, OROCHIMARU WOULD EVENTUALLY TAKEN OVER THE WORLD AND THEN STARTED A WAR THAT KILLED EVEN THE GODS, AND TIME AND SPACE WOULD HAVE COME TO AN END."** Naruto sweatdropped at the casualness of this statement, as if he were commenting on the weather. **"BUT I RAMBLE. YOU GET 3 WISHES FROM ME, AND THE OTHER GODS WILL PROVIDE THEIR GIFTS IF YOU CAN EARN THEM. I CAN GRANT ONE PHYSICAL WISH, ONE MENTAL WISH, AND ONE SPIRITUAL WISH. AND BEFORE YOU ASK, I DIDN'T COME UP WISH THE WISH CRITERIA, KARMA DID. PERSONALLY, I THINK THE WISH CRITERIA SUCKS. WELL?" **Naruto thought long and hard before whispering something in the god's ear. The fearsome deity roared with laughter.

"**MY, MY, MY! AREN'T YOU A CLEVER LITTLE MORTAL! HOWEVER, AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO GRANT YOU YOUR FIRST WISH NO STRINGS ATTACHED, KARMA WON'T ALLOW THAT. THEY DON'T ALLOW WISHES THAT GIVE ANY GOD MORE POWER THAN THEY ALREADY HAVE, AND THAT WISH WOULD CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE TO DIE, THEREFORE GIVING ME MORE POWER, SO THAT'S TABOO. I CAN, HOWEVER, MAKE IT SO IT ONLY WORKS IF YOU TOUCH THE BLOOD OF THE PERSON FOR THAT ONE PART. KARMA ALWAYS ADDS THOSE STUPID LITTLE FLAWS FOR BLOODLINES, AS THEY DON'T WANT ANY EVIL CORRUPT PEOPLE BLOWING UP THE WORLD SOMEHOW. THE REST OF THE FIRST AND THE OTHER TWO, I THINK I CAN MANAGE." **The death god then started making hand seals at a speed where Naruto couldn't even see his hands unaided. At the end of the sequence, he jabbed his gnarled purple fingers into Naruto's forehead. Being insubstantial, they went right through him. It did, however, cause Naruto extreme pain as his very molecular structure was altered. After what felt like an eternity but was really only a few minutes, the feeling subsided.

"**THERE. MY WORK HERE IS DONE."** He then turned to disappear, and caught sight of Sarutobi and all the seal ANBU, with their jaws dropped to the ground. **"OR, MAYBE NOT."** The Shinigami exhaled a cloud of gas that surrounded the group, causing their bodies to stiffen. The death god nodded his approval. **"THERE. THAT SHOULD TAKE CARE OF THE UNWANTED MEMORIES. UNTIL NEXT TIME, NARUTO."** The death god opened a pitch-black hole in the air, stepped in, and was gone.

Naruto decided that that went a lot better than it could have gone. 'I might as well take care of Kyuubi now, seeing as though they probably won't come to for a while.' With this parting thought, Naruto opened the mental link and stepped into the sewer.

Naruto grimaced. "I always hated this place. a sewer? Why is my mind a sewer? Why not a ramen shop or something?" he muttered to himself as he trudged through the muck.

A few steps later, and Naruto was in front of the cage. Inside, the Kyuubi was clawing at the walls, the cage, anything that might lead out. This franticness stopped as soon as Naruto stepped in front of the cage. The fox whirled around. Upon catching sight of who was foolish enough to enter its domain, its eyes widened.

**"you! How is a child able to get here!? Filthy, slimy human! Release me! Now!"** it growled. Naruto smirked. Once a bastard fox, always a bastard fox. He was, however, a little disheartened that he had forgotten him. after figuring out that he wasn't getting out any time soon, Kyuubi had established a sensei/apprentice relationship between the two of them, with Kyuubi teaching Naruto some obscure jutsus that had been lost to time.

"oh, shut up, Kyuubi. I didn't release you in my first life, and I'm not about to release you in my second life! Now, If you're going to stay here, you follow the house rules. 1, I want rent, you give me chakra. 2, no trying to convince/threaten me to let you go, that stuff really gets on my nerves. 3, if you're good and do whatever I say, I'll give you stuff. Like access to those two doors in your cage." Naruto pointed at to materializing doors, both sealed from the other side. "and as a show of good faith, I'll let you even be able to talk to a friend while you're in here." Naruto waved his hand, and a phone materialized inside the cage. "now, are you going to be good?" the Kyuubi nodded meekly, deciding not to cook the goose that layed such golden eggs. The demon, was, however, confused about the first life/second life comment. He'd have to ask about that.

"good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend to." Naruto walked off towards a door labeled 'mindscape'. Taking a deep breath, he steadied his nerves and pushed open the door.

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YAY! I'm finally done! Go me! Sorry that chapter took so long, I had a major case of writer's block. I have almost the entire story mapped out in my head, EXCEPT for this chapter. Sorry! I was as frustrated as you guys! Oh, and school started again, and you know how that is!

Okay, time for some author's notes!

I AM giving Naruto a bloodline. Yes, we've all read it and dread it. The infamous Uber-bloodline fanfiction. This story is not going to be that way. Sure, it'll be strong, but it WON'T make him a demigod. It will still have weaknesses, like all bloodlines. I personally like bloodline fics, but not Uber-bloodline fics, I despise those.

The rest of the time travel group will meet up in the next chapter, so keep your pants on!

I'm not sure how much I can promise regular updates. It usually depends on how much homework I have, and if I can get at a computer. I will try to update at least once by Christmas, but I can't guarantee it.

POLLS!!!! Okay, I'm having a poll. Joy! My first poll! Okay, seriously, vote if you want any omakes (extra content) in this story. If you vote, I'll be really happy!

Some of you have been asking me if I forgot Neji and Tenten, or if I left them out. I did not forget them; I purposely left them out of the story. You'll find out why in later chapters.

I NEED A NEW BETA!!!!! I just found out that my old beta actually hates Naruto, and only did the job because she was my friend! So, if anybody wants to beta this story, PM me and see what happens!

I'm seriously pissed off about how a lot of writers are screwing up their stories! It's not the plot, it's not the characters, it's the spelling and grammar! I'm serious, how hard is it to take the time to move your mouse up to the toolbar and spell-check the damn story!? I feel like the people are raping my eyes! How would you like it if I typed like I wanted to rape your eyes? It's not a good thing! So please, people, can you take, like one minute to just spell-check your stories? Thank you!

Okay, that's all I got for right now. Now, move your mouse and click on the little blue button and review! The little button likes the attention! BYE!


	3. The mindscape meeting

Hi, peoples! It's me again, and I am on a roll! Now that the stupid chapter is out of the way, I can update way faster! Also, due to popular demand, I will be including omakes in this story. If you want to read them, look down at the author's notes at the end of every chapter to see if I have one that time. Enjoy!

Oh, I just realized that I've been forgetting the disclaimer!

I own Naruto only in my dreams, otherwise Naruto and Sakura would've started making out already!

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Sunlight. That was the very first thing Naruto noticed as he squinted his eyes against the glare. He honestly hoped that Shinigami had done his end of the bargain, if they were to have any influence over the events in this timeline. With his eyes finally adjusted to the change from the dark sewer to here, Naruto was able to get a good look around.

He was in a rolling field, surrounded on all sides by a sea of trees, with a glistening pond on the side. A small booth, no bigger than a mid-sized adult, was positioned in the epicenter of the field. Six large doors that you might see at a palace were placed at the corners of the field. Looking back, Naruto could see the door that he had just come through. He smiled. 'So far so good. Now to see if the mechanism works,' Naruto mused. Walking up to the booth, Naruto stepped inside and looked over the assortment of buttons and levers. He finally spotted what he was looking for: a mouthpiece of an old-fashioned telephone. Naruto picked it up, took a deep breath, and let it all loose. "HEY! GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE! I SUMMON YOU!" he screamed. The palace doors flew open, and in flew Rock Lee, Kiba, Chouji, Gaara, Shikamaru and Kakashi bum-first, as if pulled by a magnet. They all landed in a great heap of flailing limbs near Naruto.

"What is this most unyouthful mess!?" Rock Lee screamed.

"Alright, who's the wise guy!? Lemme at him, I'll tear him apart!" Kiba growled as he managed to disengage from the pile. Naruto buckled in half, roaring with laughter as the group managed to untangle themselves.

"Oh, man! That was priceless! Where's Sai when need him to paint a picture? I want that memory immortalized!" Naruto howled, wiping an imaginary tear from the corner of his eye. The group glared at him, then seemed to realize that not only are they all together in an unknown location, they are all in their pre-time warp bodies.

Naruto smirked. "Took ya long enough. Now, seeing as you guys probably have no idea what the hell's going on," the grouped nodded at this comment. "I'm going to give you the condensed version of what's going on. Basically, the gods owed me a few favors, and when Shinigami showed up to seal ol' fuzz-for-brains, he gave me three wishes. This happens to be the outcome of one of said wishes." A group enlightenment took place, as everybody adding their own comment to the mix, with Kiba even asking to trade him a wish.

"Now, seeing as I designed this place, I know it from back to front. Each of those doors leads back to your respective consciousnesses. And no, Kiba, you can't take over somebody else's consciousness."

"Damn it!"

"One of the little perks about this is that since all our consciousnesses are linked to this, we can talk to each other telepathically, and sense intense emotions and the physical condition of said person. However, if somebody doesn't want to let his emotions and/or thoughts be heard by others, or others don't want to hear somebody's thoughts," here Naruto glared at Kakashi, who instinctively put his hand over the pocket holding Icha Icha paradise, affectionately dubbed "the smut pouch" by Naruto. "Need only imagine a steel wall, and it should block anything, unless you are either up against someone skilled in the mind arts, like someone akin to Inoichi Yamanaka's skill, or you have some sort of seal that connects your consciousnesses, like the Kyuubi talking to me, or the cursed seal allowing Orochi-teme to project thoughts into Sasuke-teme."

Naruto waved a hand at the booth. "Now, for the booth, it-"suddenly, a deluge of sand shot out from Gaara towards Naruto, just barely missing him. All people present were visibly shocked. "GAARA! WHAT THE HELL!?" Naruto screamed as tiny sand bullets shot at the time travelers.

"It's not me! It's the Shukaku!" Gaara's eyes were wide with fear, the veins in his head and neck visibly straining as he tried in vain to suppress the malevolence of the Shukaku.

Naruto cursed. "Dammit! I forgot about that! I don't think anybody here has that kind of sealing skills to suppress it! Unless…" Naruto paused for a second to think, but was slammed into one of the consciousness doors by a mighty swipe of sand. Naruto spat out blood as he tried to stand up. Biting the tip of his thumb, he quickly went through the seals for the Kuchiyose no jutsu. "Fuck! I was hoping I could save this for later, but you've forced my hand! Come forward, KYUUBI NO KITSUNE!" Naruto screamed as he slammed his palm into the ground. An eighth door appeared, floating above the toll booth, with dark flames licking out from under the bottom. The doors slowly opened with an agonizing creak, releasing a dark cloud of miasma. Kakashi's eyes widened as the rest of the group paused, including Gaara and his sand. A sandaled foot stepped out onto the air as the group gasped.

The effect of seeing the Kyuubi no Youko in his human form for the first time was something akin to when Kakashi's mask had been slashed off of his face in a Sound invasion. The battle had been won, as everybody, including the straight guys AND the Konoha-nin, had been knocked unconscious from orgasms right there. Yes, Kakashi's face is THAT gorgeous, and so is the Kyuubi's. (A/N I wouldn't know, as I still can't find the episode where Kakashi loses his mask, and I AM straight, but I've seen this in so many different fics, and I couldn't resist:P also, I suck at describing OCs in detail and doing fight scenes, so don't kill me, please!)

The Kyuubi could only be described as magnificent. His long crimson hair tying off into a loose ponytail, his angular face, with whisker marks not unlike Naruto's, set with a square jaw, his blood-red robes accentuating his light tan, his nine orange tails swaying behind him. His scarlet eyes widened in confusion as he looked around. "Freedom…?" he whispered to nobody in particular as he walked down a set of invisible stairs. "Am I free?" his musings came to an abrupt halt as he caught sight of the group. "You! Who are you!?"

Gaara dropped to his knees, clutching his head, as his sand formed a tanuki mask floating in the air. "Lord Kyuubi! Help me… the bloodlust, it burns, it burns me!" it rasped out, quivering in the air.

Kyuubi was visibly shocked. "Baron Shukaku! You, too, have been sealed?" he then realized what it was implying and rushed over to Gaara. "Damn! They must have used a berserker seal on you! Not good!" he pulled up Gaara's shirt and forced some chakra through the seal to make it visible. "Damnit! They did, and a poor-quality one at that! Somebody hold him down for me while I do this!" Kiba and Shikamaru snapped out of their stupor and grabbed hold of Gaara's arms. The Kyuubi then turned to Naruto. "I don't know how or why this is possible, but I'm not about to leave one of my most powerful subordinates in this much pain! I'm going to need you all to protect me from any backlash from the sand while I'm manipulating the seal! Nothing must disrupt me!"

Kyuubi then thrust his palm onto the seal and started flashing one-handed seals. Red chakra started flowing from Kyuubi's hand into the berserker seal. Gaara screamed and started thrashing about as the bondage between man and demon began disintegrating. The tanuki mask burst apart as every grain of sand there shot towards the Kyuubi. Naruto let out a war cry as he charged into battle. "KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU (Shadow clone technique)!" Ten Narutos poofed into existence as they began combating the sand.

"First gate, KAI!" Lee dropped into the Iron Fist stance as he charged at a newly formed sand clone, only to have it melt away a few feet from it. "Hokage-sama! The sand! It is as if it is using Drunken Fist!" Lee yelled, referring to his own fighting style if he has consumed any alcohol. Indeed, the attacks were as unpredictable and sporadic as said style. Plumes of sand charging at an offender, only to swerve away. Bunshins forming by the scores, only to melt away seconds later.

"Damn it! How can we fight something that doesn't know what it itself is going to do!?" Chouji growled as he multi-sized to block an onslaught against the Kyuubi.

Kakashi threw an exploding tag at some sand forming a bunshin. "We don't fight it! We stop it from doing anything!" he then started flashing seals. "SUITON: SUIRYUUDAN NO JUTSU! (water release: water dragon technique)" a plume of water shot of the pond towards a forming cloud of sand, turning it into mud.

Naruto caught on to what he was attempting, and started his own seals. "SUITON: SUIJINHEKI NO JUTSU! (water release: water barrier wall technique)" the entire pond was blown out of the ground, turning into a wall completely encircling Kyuubi and Gaara. Any attempts to attack were rendered useless.

Suddenly, Gaara screeched, his pain coming off of him in waves, before both he and his sand fell still. The Kyuubi shakily stood up, panting. "It is done. The seal has been altered." He fell to the ground once more. "That took a lot out of me. Not only destroying a seal and making a new one, but keeping Shukaku safely inside and not killing the host, all without a life taken."

Naruto let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Thank you, Kyuubi. You shall be rewarded for this. Go back to your seal and I shall-"

"No!" Kyuubi stopped him with a wave of his hand. "I'm not going back there until I know what the hell is going on! How am I free from the seal with you apparently alive? Why do you look like a 25-year old when I know for a fact you were just born? How do you know the Shukaku's host? I will have answers!"

"You will not speak to the Rokudaime Hokage with such disrespect!" Lee bellowed, forgetting for a second who he was talking to. The Kyuubi snorted.

"Yet another question for you! Why does he call you Rokudaime when I just killed the Yondaime, the most recent Hokage?" Naruto sighed.

"Fine. I shall give you what you seek. Go to the other door that was sealed, like this one, and open it. It should answer most of you questions."

The Kyuubi nodded. "I shall return." He disappeared in a column of flame, slamming his consciousness doors behind him. Naruto turned to the others.

"okay, he's going to be back in a couple of seconds, so ask any questions you had before Gaara attacked while he's gone." Kiba's hand shot up.

"How the hell is the Kyuubi here!? Shouldn't he be, like, inside you or something?" the others muttered the same thing.

"Well, that's also part of the wish. While we're in this realm, he can come and go when I summon him. He and I developed a bit of a sensei/apprentice relationship after a while, and I figure that he can teach us a lot of stuff while we're here. The control booth right there," Naruto motioned to the booth at this point. "Can allow us to transport us to a training ground that can change the terrain and enemies to whatever we want, so I thought that while we're still babies and can't train for real, we can train here and create moves and stuff, along with the Kyuubi, if he goes along with it." Naruto was stopped from answering any more questions by Kyuubi's door opening once again, and Kyuubi stumbling out over to Naruto.

"Okay, wow. My brain hurts. THAT is a bit much to swallow. So, you guys are from the future, where Orochi-teme," Naruto arched an eyebrow at Kyuubi using his nickname for the snake Sannin. "Took over the body of one of the last Uchiha-temes," another arched eyebrow at the new nickname. "Your teammate, who went to him to gain enough power to kill his older brother Uchiha Itachi, who massacred the Uchiha clan to test out his newly gained Mantekyou Sharingan, and destroyed Konoha. I can now say that I've seen it all. Damn."

"I know."

"And all of the bijuu were being captured by an organization called Akatsuki, whose plans were to take over the world. DAMN."

"I know."

"And you want me to tutor all of you?" everybody tensed. Kyuubi chuckled at the motion. "Well, I don't care how it happens, as long as I don't get shoved into some stupid statue." Naruto relaxed as he heard these words.

"Thank you for your understanding. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and start planning what to do now." Naruto turned and walked off to his friends. "Yes! That went a lot better than I thought it would. How's Gaara, guys?"

"He's looking okay. Unconscious, but okay. He should be coming to pretty soon."

The words were barely out of Shikamaru's mouth before Gaara groaned and sat up. Naruto ran to his fellow Jinchuuriki's side.

"Gaara! How you feeling, man?"

He groaned once more and rubbed his head. "Like Chiyo baa-san (just brought me back to life. What happened?"

"Shukaku happened. I had Kyuubi come and mess around with your seal so that the sporadic killing-for-existence and insomniac stuff shouldn't happen again. He said something about a berserker seal making him all bloodlusty and stuff."

He nodded. "Good. I was able to talk to him for the first time this time around while I was out. He's actually a pretty good guy now that he's not crazy. Can you bring me over to Kyuubi? He said he wanted to thank him."

Kakashi and Chouji helped him to his feet and walked him over to the fox demon. Once there, the tanuki mask reappeared. "Lord Kyuubi! Thank you for freeing me from the bloodlust. The red haze has been lifted from my eyes. I am forever in your debt."

"Then use your new freedom and help your host in any way possible. They will need it all. A group of S-ranked missing-nins are attempting to capture the Monarchy of Tails." The mask's eyes widened.

"Capture the Monarchy of Tails!? Impossible! Then the absence of the seven tails for the past year is because of them!?"

"It is possible. He was last seen near Iwa. Where he went after that, I do not know." Kyuubi then turned to Naruto and company. "The Monarchy of Tails is what you humans call the tailed bijuu. It is a collection of the leaders of the most powerful elemental demon clans in existence. The raccoon, the cat, the kraken, the owl, the wolf, the weasel, the bear, the snake, and the fox. The Nobles of the Monarchy govern almost the entire demon realm, and hold much power as elemental clan heads. I highly doubt that they know of the Monarchy or the clans, as you are now the first humans to learn of them since its formation, but for humans with malicious intent to gain the power of all nine Nobles even without the power of the clans they lead would be disastrous to us all. They must be stopped!" he then caught sight of Rock Lee. "Wait a minute…You! Rock Lee, is it?"

He snapped to attention at the sound of his name. "Yes, Kyuubi-sama?"

Kyuubi chuckled. "Kyuubi-sama. I've always liked how that sounds. Anyways, who were your mother and father?"

Naruto winced as Rock Lee looked down at the ground. His eyes were shaded as he spoke. "I do not know. I was an orphan for as long as I can remember."

Kyuubi stroked his chin as though he had a beard. "I see. And you are physically unable to use any chakra?"

"Yes."

"Really now…" he turned to Shukaku. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, baron?"

"Yes, I am, now that you mention it. It would explain a lot, and would make things SO much easier to do." Naruto was lost. 'What the heck are they talking about?'

"Yes, I know. I mean, seriously, those eyebrows are simply not natural. It has to be it!" everybody except Lee and Shukaku sweatdropped at this comment while mentally agreeing. Lee was ticked off that they were insulting his looks while Shukaku was nodding his head. Kyuubi whirled around to Rock Lee, cutting him off mid-rant. "Okay, Lee, I'll need you to lie down on the ground and take off your shirt. I want to check something."

He was skeptical, but in the end, he did what he was asked to do. The demon gently grabbed his head and slowly started feeding a small trickle of demon chakra into him. "Does that hurt at all?" he shook his head. "I knew it! He feels no pain, so he's used to it, but there's nothing there, so they must have really botched it! Naruto, can you get this realm to let Shukaku out of Gaara, like me? I'm going to need his help for this."

"Umm, I guess." He ran up to the control booth and started fiddling around with the levers. "Okay, he should be able to do a full-body exit now." He yelled down to the gathering as he started his downward descent.

"Thank you, Naruto!" Kyuubi yelled back. "Okay, Baron, get out here quick."

"With pleasure!" With these words, the mask faded away as Gaara's body was wracked with seizures. A ninth consciousness door appeared, also floating above the control booth. The doors opened, blowing dry, hot air flecked with sand into the clearing.

The Shukaku looked surprisingly a lot like Kyuubi, except his hair, robe, and single tail were a sandy brown color, had a darker tan, and had a face that looked like it smiled a lot. He stretched his arms out and yawned while shaking his head rapidly, causing sand to come flying out. "Oh, man! You would not believe how stuffy it gets in there!" he leaped from the stairs to the ground, where he proceeded to greet everybody. "Hey, people! Good to meet y'all! You guys know me, and I know you, so I think we can skip the introductions." He then turned to Kyuubi and proceeded to knuckle up. "Hey, whassup, brother from a 'nother mother!" the group sweatdropped at this greeting. "Alright, so we gonna do this or what?"

"Yeah, we're ready. I'm kinda worn out from the berserker seal thing, so I'll have to draw a little from you while you do your thing. But then, given his element, I don't think it would activate without any earth chakra being used anyway, demon or not." He turned to the gathering. "Okay. Shikamaru, I'll need you to bind Rock Lee with Kagemane no jutsu (shadow possession technique) on my mark. Chouji, Kiba, Gaara and Kakashi. You guys need to grab his limbs so he doesn't hurt himself. Naruto, I need you to deal with any backlash, like before. I suggest you make a lot of advanced Kage Bunshins, so they can take more than just one hit."

The group nodded as they followed out his orders, with Naruto promptly collapsing to one knee after creating about a thousand Bunshins. Kyuubi and Shukaku nodded their approval. Shukaku laid one hand on Kyuubi's shoulder and the on Lee's forehead. "Good. Get ready!" Kyuubi slammed his palm down onto Lee's stomach and started feeding an enormous amount of chakra into Lee. Lee screamed as his body scrambled frantically to repel the foreign energy.

Shukaku growled. "Oh, no you don't! I know you're in there, and I'm calling you out!" he pushed his hand further into Lee's head as it turned ethereal. Lee screamed even louder as the raccoon forcibly overrode the body's auto-rejection of the chakra. The earth started cracking apart as a seal slowly appeared on his stomach.

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Dun-dun-DUNNNNN! Another cliffhanger! What's going to happen next!? You'll have to find out in the next chapter!

Time for the author's notes!

I honestly really like how this chapter turned out, but if you think that something about it was bad or even so-so, review and tell me! I will listen to all constructive criticism!

Okay, the last time I checked, this story had about 3700 hits, 25 favorites, 72 alerts and about 15 C2s, but I only had 32 reviews! I don't even need to do the math to figure out that 3700/32 is a really messed up ratio! I really want you guys to review for me! I will take absolutely anything you say under consideration for the story! Even a "that was really good! Bye!" would be appreciated! Please!

I'm going to try and do a really long chapter on Naruto's pre-academy years next, so I may or may not update soon. Just know that I'll try and make it as long as possible!

ADD-ON!!!!!! I'm going to add a rant corner to my chapters if something has got me really pissed off while I'm writing it! Same as the omakes, just look in the author's notes to see if there is one that time.

RANT CORNER!!!!!!! I am seriously pissed off about all the yaoi fanfics! I'm serious, I was bored, so I just randomly plug in Naruto as the character and romance as the genre to narrow down the stories, and I go through about 20 pages. ALMOST 3 OUT OF EVERY 4 STORIES I SEE ARE SASUNARU! THAT. IS NOT. RIGHT! Why is it that people are so obsessed with those two being butt buddies!? IT'S SCREWED UP! I mean, sure, sasGAY, I'm not so sure about, but Naruto, no! You can clearly see by his reaction to Konohamaru's Oiroke no jutsu: double knockout girls, AND his opposite reaction to double knockout guys, that he is 100 percent straight! If I ever find out that somebody I personally know is a sasunaru fan, I would find a spoon and gouge their eyeballs out! Well, maybe not, but you get my point! Don't do yaoi!

POLL!!!!!! Okay, guys, I've got a couple more polls for you! First off: Sasuke, semi-emo or canon emo? I really hope you vote for the first one, because I really don't like writing like somebody has a stick up their ass. It's just not my writing style! And the other poll: Itachi, good guy or bad guy? If you vote good guy, don't have a hernia about it, saying, "oh no, since he won't go to Akatsuki, nothing is going to work," because I have it all figured out. Trust me on this one.

Sorry, no omake this time! I DO have an omake planned for the next chapter, however, so do not despair!

Does anybody know where I can find a complete list of all jutsus in Naruto and/or a reliable English to Japanese translator? I would be really grateful for either.

Okay, I think that's all I got. Now move your mouse and click the review button! It has an itch that it can't reach, but you can! Bye!


	4. Not Another One!

HI, EVERYBODY! "HI, ANIMANIAC DUDE!" I'm back in black, people! Sorry about the long update, my homework and extracurricular activities finally caught up to me for a while! It's hard to juggle high school, sports, other school goodies AND write a story without it eventually coming back to bite you in the ass! Plus, my computer got completely and utterly jacked up by a whole bunch of viruses making my stuff go screwy! It's STILL bothering me with stuff as we speak and/or type!

Okay, I'll let the polls that I listed last chapter run until I post chapter 5, so vote away, people!

I'd also like to dedicate this chapter to my godmother Ruth, who passed away this week at the tender age of 53. I'm going to miss you, Ruth.

"Blah" normal talk

'Blah' thinking

_Blah _flashback talking and/or thinking

**Blah **demon talking and/or thinking

'Blah' telepathic talking

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Disclaimer: in Madagascar, you own Naruto. Everywhere else, Kishimoto does, and we just borrow his characters.

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"STOP! STOP IT! YOU'RE HURTING HIM!" Naruto started to run to the spastic body of Rock Lee, only to be blindsided by a clod of earth sent flying by the destructive chakra gushing out of said body.

Kyuubi spared an upward glance, his brow furrowed with concentration and dripping with sweat. "Don't interfere! We're too far gone to go back, or his heart will stop!" he grunted.

At this comment, Naruto merely snarled and launched himself at a large boulder to vent his frustration. "Dammit!" he shattered it with a single punch. Having released his anger somewhat, he spun around and took a cursory glance at the rest of the team.

They were not faring as well as he was. While the clones had deflected the brunt of the attacks, over a fourth of them had already been destroyed by the chakra flowing out of Lee, and another fourth were getting pummeled by chunks of earth torn up because of the chakra. The rest of the gang were also out for the count, as they had their hands full trying to restrain Lee. Naruto grimaced. The odds were definitely not in their favor. 'Maybe I could try…? But I haven't finished working the kinks out of it… Grr! I hate Damned if you do, Damned if you don't situations!" the choice was taken out of his hands as a rock the size of his chest missed beheading Kyuubi and Shukaku by inches. "Kuso! Too close! Hope this works!" (A/N: THIS, my dear readers, is why I really need to find a reliable English to Japanese translator! Original jutsus! Also, I think I really mangled the description and name, so if anybody can come up with a better one, review and tell me, and I'll fix it!)

He swept his arms out to the sides while forming one-handed Rasengans in each hand. The air swirling around the Rasengans, at odds with the other, started forming a pressure vacuum around his body, and eventually a giant, destructive cyclone. Naruto hissed and gritted his teeth in pain as the blades of air slashed at his body. He crossed his arms slowly, and released any influence he had on the whirlwind. "FUUTON RASENGAN: WIND GOD'S ARIA!" the wind exploded, creating dozens of mini-cyclones, which lashed out and destroyed the offending boulders. Naruto crumpled to the ground, drained of all energy he had left. The last thing he saw before darkness claimed him was a third door forming in the air.

--------------------------

Kakashi was completely and utterly bewildered. He had no idea what the crap was going on. Well, more so than usual. First the Kyuubi comes out and starts acting like a relatively good guy, then he tells them about a secret demon government, and then Lee, the boy with defective chakra coils and can't use anything other than taijutsu, starts spewing out a freakishly huge and powerful amount of chakra that tries to kill you. 'Kami, I need Icha Icha paradise! My brain hurts…' he internally moaned. This pity-party line of thought abruptly stopped as his head whipped up. "WAIT! Jiraiya hasn't written Icha Icha yet! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he sank to his knees as everybody else wondered how in the hell he could think of that in this situation. (Poor Kakashi:P) shrugging, they turned back to the problem at hand. What to do with 2 unconscious people, one a Jinchuuriki, and another who was rapidly making them think he was, too. (Yes, people, for those of you who didn't get it, Lee is also a Jinchuuriki in my story. Deal with it!) They were spared the choice as Lee stirred.

"Sweet mother-fucker of the fourth Hokage! What the hell happened? And why does my brain feel like it's been wearing an ugly green spandex suit 2 sizes too small?" a surprising thing about Lee is that once the rest of the Konoha 11 got the influence of Gai out of his system, he had a extremely 'colorful' vocabulary, and that he never really liked the spandex suits, only wearing them to get Gai to teach him even more.

"Umm…where to start? The Kyuubi and Shukaku did something funky to your brain, and some freakishly potent chakra started pouring out of you and started trying to kill us. And before you say anything, we're just as confused." Lee frowned as Shikamaru predicted his question. "And now, a THIRD door has appeared, which makes us think you're a Jinchuuriki. And before you say anything, we don't know how you wouldn't have noticed before either." Lee growled as he was once again predicted. "So now, all we're doing is waiting for Naruto to wake up, and for whoever is in the third door to show up."

"Well, why didn't you say so before? Naruto is just suffering from chakra exhaustion. I can feed him what I have left before I go take a nice, well deserved nap. I am absolutely drained of chakra, which is saying a lot!" the Kyuubi walked over to Naruto's prone body and placed a hand on his head. His body started glowing a faint red before it faded away. The fox started a countdown. "Three… two… one…"

Naruto shot up off of the ground a good ten feet and landed standing up, startling everybody there. "THAT was a good nap!" he yawned before realizing where he was. "OH CRAP! Lee! Is he okay!? Where is he!? Where's the evil chakra stuff!?" his friends sweatdropped at his antics and waited for it to die down. This took about five minutes, give or take.

He finally noticed the assembly. "Oh. There you are. Is Lee okay?" Lee waved. "Okay, I'll take that as a yes. Is he a Jinchuuriki or not?" he turned to the two demons. "That IS what you guys thought he was, right?" they nodded simultaneously. "Is he?" another nod. "Then, where is he? Or is this one a she? Or do you guys even have genders?"

"Yes, we have genders, but only while in human avatars, because elemental energy can't have genders, and yes, it's a guy." Kyuubi was cut off from saying anything else by another voice.

"I'm out? I'm really out? That's weird. Only way to get me out would have been… it is!" the doors were nearly knocked from their hinges as a figure on all fours barreled through. The person leaped through the air and caught the rapidly fleeing Kyuubi and Shukaku in a massive bear hug. "I thought I smelled you guys nearby! Good to see you!" he dropped them, allowing them to once again breathe as the ninjas got a good look at him.

He was definitely hairy, they could see that much. His gnarled salt-and-pepper hair mixing with his thick beard made his face almost indiscernible. The only thing they could see were his freakishly thick eyebrows (I've always thought that there's no way that Lee can have such caterpillar eyebrows AND be apprenticed to Gai without outside influence) and his piercing brown eyes, ones that caused you to freeze up, not unlike high levels of KI (Killing Intent). His clothing was a motley mix of greens and browns that looked a lot like what mountain climbers wear. His short, stubby tails were concealed by the pants he wore, making him look more like a human than any other Bijuu seen yet.

After his unintentional attempt to strangle the demons, he noticed the humans. "Well, now! Lookie what we got here! Couple of scrawny little humans! How come you haven't introduced me yet, fur balls?" he let out a great belly-laugh while Kyuubi and Shukaku grumbled about the fur ball comment. "good to meet you! I'm the Shichibi no Kuma, (seven-tailed bear) if you haven't figured it out yet. So, that's my name, what's yours?" the group introduced themselves, but as it came to Lee, he remained silent. "Eh? Hey, you! With the handsome eyebrows, what's your name?" Naruto tried in vain to forget how much that sounded like a pickup line and focus on the conversation.

Lee slightly inclined his head, his eyes shaded by his hair. "Rock Lee." He whispered.

"Huh? Speak up, fellow, I didn't catch that."

"My name is Rock Lee."

Kuma heartily slapped him on the back. "Rock Lee, is it? A fine name you have! I like you already! Though we'll have to get you to talk louder. My ears just ain't what they used to be!" he belly-laughed again as he turned to the now silent gathering. "What's wrong? Nibi got your tongue?"

Kyuubi spoke. "It's a good thing you like him, Kuma. Because he's your Jinchuuriki."

The Kuma's eyes widened. "Jinchuuriki!?" he turned and pointed at Lee. "But he…" he turned back to the group. "We…" he pointed to himself. I…" back to Lee, then the group, then himself, and so on. "It… he… the… out…" he fell onto his ass comically, scratching his head. "If he's my Jinchuuriki, then shouldn't I be inside him? And if I got out, shouldn't he be dead? But I'm talking to him, so he's not dead. But if he's not dead, then I should be inside him. But I'm looking at him, so I'm out… ARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!" he screamed. "What's going on!? My brain hurts now!!"

Naruto and company, in an attempt to shut him up, explained where they were, which led to him asking how it was possible and the explanation of everything else. At the end, Kuma was left with his jaw slack and his eyes bugging out of his head. Naruto would have laughed had the situation not been so serious. "So, you humans traveled back in time because Orochimaru destroyed Konoha?" they nodded. "Okay, I think I get it. Except for one thing." He rounded on Lee. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU WERE A JINCHUURIKI!? I MUST'VE BEEN FUCKIN' BORED!!" everybody winced at the decibel level as he continued ranting.

After a good while, he was forced to stop for breath. Kyuubi immediately stepped in. "okay, A, never scream that loud again, I think you popped my eardrums, and B, we've got a theory on that. We're thinking that when you showed up around Iwa, the Tsuchikage got all sneaky about using a Jinchuuriki in the war, and sent his best sealer out to you. Now, Iwa's sealing skill levels are the worst out of all the hidden villages, so naturally, the sealer screwed up. Not only did he seal away your chakra, he sealed away the HOST'S chakra as well, and thereby made it almost impossible to know about it unless you were pre-informed. Embarrassed, he killed the child's parents and sent him to an orphanage in Konoha anonymously, hoping that it would be destroyed in an attack, and killing two birds with one stone: destroy Konoha and get rid of a defective demon." Rock Lee's eyes widened. "After all, his name is ROCK Lee. It's a dead giveaway."

"My…my parents are from Iwa?" he whispered, before chuckling softly. "Looks like I'm not the prideful green beast of Konoha anymore."

In an attempt to cheer him up, Kuma turned to Kyuubi. "Hey, can't you do something about the chakra whatchihoosy problem he has? So he can use jutsus an' the like?" Lee perked up at hearing this. The fox cocked his head to the side for a second, before turning to Shukaku, who shrugged.

"It IS possible, but not now. I don't think I can pull off a third consecutive sealing, and I'd have to some tinkering to find the theory behind it, but I think I might be able to do it in a year. Key word: MIGHT. And even if I can't he can still jutsus and stuff when he pulls on your chakra. I don't recommend this, since you have the third highest chakra storages in the Monarchy, second to orochi-hebi-teme and myself, and it would cause the whole 'evil-demon-chakra-shield-and-side-effects-o'-doom' thing." All the ninjas blinked at the long name he made up as Naruto raised his hand.

"Um, can I butt in for a sec?" a nod. "Okay, first, who's orochi-hebi-teme; second, why did you use my nickname for Orochimaru a while ago; and third, I probably should be going soon, seeing as Sandaime and company have probably woken up by now."

"Fine. That's my nickname for Yamata no Orochi, the Hachibi, who I despise; Orochi-teme uses snakes, uses Orochi-hebi-teme's personal sword, and looks and acts WAY too much like a snake, plus something else I'll tell you later; and yeah, you should get going, I'll be following in a sec."

"Okay then!" Naruto dramatically bowed, using years of practiced diplomacy. "Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my diaper changed." 'As well as think up the rest of the plan for alterations.' He smirked and flung open his door as his friends snickered behind him.

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Naruto opened his eyes and blinked at the bright hospital lights. 'Ow! Geez, guys, do we need ALL the lights on?'

'**I think they do, Naruto. I'm a little ticked off myself.'**

'Oh, be quiet, you big ball of fur. Nobody cares about you.'

Naruto got a mental image of a chibi Kyuubi huffing and going to sit in a corner. Naruto let out a baby equivalent of laughter. (You know, the really cute, high pitched one that babies do!)

"Oh, the brat's awake. This may complicate things."

"Don't worry, all we have to do is slit the throat of the demon and we leave before the ANBU show up. Then we get our money from those high-brow council people and we retire in riches!" Naruto glared. 'You hearing this, Kyuu?'

'**Sure am. Want some chakra since we can't use yours in this realm yet? And what are we going for, incarcerate, incapacitate, or humiliate?'**

'Let's go with humiliate. I really need to crap anyways.' Kyuubi scanned his brain, then roared with laughter at the idea as Naruto started the seals for his on-the-spot jutsu.

"Hey, the demon's doing handse-"

"Katon: crap-o'-flame no jutsu!" (You get a cookie if you figure out where I got this)

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Kakashi was standing outside the hospital door, leaning against the wall as he read a precursor of Icha Icha Paradise. 'Sigh' "it's just not the same." His reading was interrupted as a horrendous explosion rocked the building, followed by two screams and a soft 'poof!' "That came from Naruto's room!" he rushed in the room, only to buckle in two due to laughter and the smell.

It was quite an odd sight that greeted his eyes, or rather, eye. There was Naruto, squealing in delight, in a scorched crib, and two masked men running around in circles, on fire, covered in flaming crap. After grabbing a clothespin for his nose and putting the bandits out, he turned to Naruto. "Do I REALLY want to know?" he shook his head. "Good. I didn't think so. Alright, you two, I'm bringing you down to Interrogation." Grabbing the scruff of their necks, he walked forward about three feet before dropping them and wiping his hands on his pants. "Okay, bad idea." He pulled out two kunai and led them down to the interrogation room.

Naruto couldn't resist screwing with their heads one last time. "Say hi to Ibiki for me!"

The bandits face-vaulted as Kakashi turned and waved. "Will do, Naruto!" before leading the now babbling crooks away.

Naruto snickered. **'You know, normally I would warn you about the wisdom of pulling a move like that. But that was totally worth anything that happens.'**

--------------

A few moments later, Kakashi walked back in. "man, Naruto, look what you did. At least I don't have to clean it up." He was stopped from further conversation by the arrival of a breathless Sarutobi.

"What happened!? What was that explosion!? Was anybody hurt!?"

"Everything's fine, Hokage-sama. Just some mercenaries trying to kill Naruto." Sarutobi blanched. "By the way, I'm taking Naruto out of here. As his legal guardian, I find this place unsafe for him."

"You can't!" he replied frantically, before catching himself. "Uh, I mean, you can't be his guardian, because, um, you are away too much on missions! Yeah! That's it! He needs to be constantly cared for, and you can't do it! And since when are you his legal guardian!?"

Naruto was more or less of the same mindset. 'Kakashi! What are you doing!?'

'Getting you out of here! I can't let you live all alone this time!'

'No, Kakashi, stop it! I'm sorry, but I've got a plan! Tell Oiji-san that you'll not take me, but you'll put me in the Drifting Leaf orphanage until I'm five, okay? Drifting Leaf Orphanage! Trust me!'

'Fine.' He refocused on the Sandaime. "Alright, Hokage-sama. You win. BUT!" he snapped, interrupting the Sandaime in his happy dance. "I want him placed in the Drifting Leaf orphanage until he turns five, and that's final!"

"Drifting Leaf!? That's one of the worst orphanages in Konoha!" Sarutobi exclaimed, shocked at the request. "Surely we can find a better one for him! Why not Konoha Rising, or-"

"Drifting Leaf. It'll be good for him." he then smirked, safe in the fact that he was wearing a mask. "Besides, I have a gut feeling he's going to take after his father, and if he can't handle that, then he certainly won't become Hokage." H watched the blood drain out of the old man's face. "Oh, yes, I know his parentage. You were one of the few people he told, weren't you? And besides, how would I have become legal guardian if I didn't know about it? The Yondaime told me so himself."

Sarutobi's shoulders slumped. "Okay, Kakashi. You win. We put him in Drifting Leaf until he's five. But I'm going to be watching like a hawk, you hear me?"

"I would be disappointed if you didn't." he smiled, then turned and looked at Naruto. "Well, Naruto, I guess this is goodbye for now." He picked him up and held him in a hug. "I hope you know what you're doing." He whispered in his ear. He lowered him down as Naruto winked.

'You're not going to be alone this time around, Lee.'

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Okay, people wrap it up, that's a take! Cut, freeze and print!

Author's notes:

Sorry about not doing the really long chapter, but I felt that if I didn't do this, there'd be a major plothole, and we can't have that! Now that it's gone, I can have the next chapter be the super long one! That's the promise of a lifetime! (sorry, I just couldn't resist! Lol)

I would just like to state that the seven-tailed bear is not compliant with Japanese mythology! The real seven tails is a badger, but I felt that a badger just didn't fit Lee at all, so I changed that! Also, if the Japanese is wrong, blame the bad translator, not me!

Sorry if it seems that I'm including Lee way too much, but he's just such a fun character to write! Plus, Lee's a Jinchuuriki, and they're always the movers and shakers! Lol

I think I've said this already in the story, but I'll say it again: the reason that I need a reliable English/Japanese translator is for the original jutsus! A list of all pre-existing jutsus would be really helpful, but it doesn't meet all my needs! If any of you know a good translator and/or are fluent in Japanese, review or PM me and say so! I'd really appreciate it!

POLLS!!!!!! As I said at the top, the poll for whether Sasuke should be canon emo or semi-emo, and the poll for good/bad Itachi are still running, so vote away!

OMAKE!!!!!!!! Okay, guys, I really think this is just stupid and not well thought out, but I promised an omake last chapter, so, here it is! If you have to puke, I'm sorry!

Shika's first words

'Being a baby, while troublesome, does have its perks.' Shikamaru contemplated as he was doted on once more by his mother. And it was true. Being able to sleep as long as he wanted, getting fed regularly without the effort, and best of all, being able to watch his dad get hounded firsthand without getting caught in the crossfire. Like now, for instance.

"Honey, I think I clogged the toilet when I was taking a shit!" Shikaku yelled down from upstairs. His mother whirled around.

"Don't use that kind of language around little Shika! What if he gets used to it! I will not have a toddler that swears like a sailor as my son!" she screeched before whipping back to Shikamaru. "Come on, Shika, don't learn words like that. Can you say Kaa-san (mother)? Say Kaa-san, Shika!"

"Can you say mendokuse (troublesome)?" Shikaku snorted as he walked down the stairs.

Shikamaru shared his sympathies. "Mendokuse…" he yawned, forgetting that he was a toddler instead of an adult. His parents froze as they turned to look at each other, then at Shika, then back at each other.

"Sweet! He learned it on the first try! Isn't that…great…honey?? Shikaku slowed to a stop as his mom grew an evil aura.

"From now on, you are now banned from using any language this is vulgar in any sense of the word, or so help me I will rip your tongue right out of your head, understand!?" she screamed at him as she started chasing after his dad with a hammer that appeared out of thin air (go, magic mallet! Lol).

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Mendokuse…"

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Like I said, if you have to throw up, I'm sorry, but the plot bunnies made me do it!

Plot Bunny 1: That's right!

Plot Bunny 2: it's fun to give him ideas for stupid stories!

GAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! They're back! Where'd I put that shotgun!?

RANT CORNER!!!!!! Sorry, no rant this time; I had a fairly good week. I'll probably have one later, though. Something ALWAYS pisses me off by the end of the week…

ADD-ON!!!!!!!!!! Hi, guys! I'm thinking about adding a translation of all the Japanese used in the chapter in the author's notes, in case anybody uses it for themselves and wants it easy to use! You'll probably see it next chapter, as I'm feeling too lazy to scroll up and hunt out the words, and I just want this to get posted and over with. Also, this chapter, I'm throwing in a thing for all the original jutsus I've used in that chapter.

ORIGINAL JUTSUS!!!!!!!!! Okay, guys, here it is!

Fuuton Rasengan: Wind God's Aria; Create 2 Rasengans, 1 for each hand, and force ungodly amounts of chakra into them while holding both at arms length, opposite each other. Creates a cyclone-like vacuum incasing entire body because of opposite pressure differences of Rasengans, and spawns mini-tornadoes that destroy the entire fighting area. Because of the high winds, the jutsu harms the user as much as the recipient. Used by: Uzumaki Naruto

Katon: Crap-O'-Flame no jutsu: oh, gimme a break, like the name doesn't give it away! Used by: Uzumaki Naruto

Okay, I think that's all I got for this chapter. So, um, yeah. G'bye, guys. REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!!!!!

Name subject to change depending on reviewer input.


	5. I AM SO SORRY!

Hi, Guys. I AM SO SORRY THAT I AM DOING AN AUTHOR'S NOTES CHAPTER!!! I DESPISE THESE SO MUCH, AND YET HERE I AM, TYPING ONE! I AM A HYPOCRITE! I'M GOING TO IRON MY HANDS!!! AGAIN!!! (goes and does that) Ow. Now it's really hard to type. Oh well.

First off:

I am going to have to put this on a hiatus. I AM SO SORRY! I HATE MYSELF!! I ALSO HATE AUTHORS WHO DO THIS!! I'LL GO CRUSH MY HEAD IN THE COPY MACHINE!! (goes and does that) okay, forgetting that now I'm probably going to have to go to the hospital for a concussion, I will say this: when I say a hiatus, I mean a semi-ultra-mini-short temporary hiatus. I think I told you guys that my computer's going screwy in the last chapter? Yeah, well, it's a lot worse than I thought. It's so bad that there's absolutely no antivirus created that can deal with it, and the only way TO get rid of it is to take my laptop into a tech shop and get it purged. That means that everything on my hard drive gets destroyed whether it's a virus or not, including my half-finished chapter. My backup external hard drive where I keep a spare copy of the story is also infected, so it's junk as well. But I will continue this story! I've just hit a roadblock. So, in a nutshell, don't expect any updates real soon.

Second, the votes are in and the ballots are tallied! The polls from chapter three are now ended!

Itachi: HE'S GOOD!

Sasuke: HE'S SEMI-EMO!

Third, I'd just like to point out that some of my omakes in this story aren't meant to be funny. most are, but some are meant to be informative and/or serious.Just, wanted to throw that out there. OH! And also, if any of the omakes involve the time-travel crew, generally, it actually happened and will be incorporated into the story at some point. Unless it's just way too out in left field, then I'm just purging the plot bunnies.

Fourth… damn! What was I going to do for the fourth? I forgot. Oh well. In short, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS!!! I'M GOING TO GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF AND DIE!!! (starts to go and do that, but stops at the last second) or, maybe not. But I will update! The flower of Konoha blooms twice! (sorry, I had to say that)

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEWS FLASH!! okay, i'm typing this on halloween night right now. my computer has been in the hands of the geek squad since monday, so, for about one or two days now. they said that i'm gonna be able to pick it up bug-free on friday for sure. i've been working on my story in the meantime using my dad's work computer and a brand-new un-screwy flashdrive. i'm also gonna get a buttload of time to work on it over the weekend, so I will say with absolute certainty that there WILL be a new chapter on sunday. glee! i'm so happy i'm rid of this hiatus! it's made my fans sad, and I live for the people, for my fans! okay, that's all.


	6. The Ghost Of Hokage's Past

Hi, everybody! The Animaniac Dude says that he's going to talk in third person for this chapter's author's notes! He likes talking in third person every once in a while!

Okay, first off, The Animaniac Dude would like to apologize from the bottom of his heart for the hiatus he put on this story, and not updating when I said I would, but it's all taken care of now! The Animaniac Dude's laptop had a rootkit on it. For those of you out there with a degree of tech-savvyness, you know what that means. For the rest of us, in a nutshell, it caused a whole bunch of bad shit to happen. He's getting the sneaking suspicion that he got it off of a stupid Zwinky his cousin conned him into downloading, since it's the only thing he's downloaded since the beginning of school. Plus, he's gotten confirmation from his friends that whenever they downloaded it, their computers got jacked up, too! The Animaniac Dude always knew he hated those things!

Anyways, as a peace offering for the hiatus, The Animaniac Dude is going to combine two chapters together, one of which was already the promised super-long chapter, to make a super-DUPER long chapter! How about 'dem apples! He would've done it to this chapter, but he's really worn out, (his schedule has been running him ragged, and he's fairly certain that he's earned a few D's or F's just writing what he did) and he just wants to get that posted and over with!

For those of you who were wondering about what the crap happened to Neji and Tenten, and possibly even Jiraiya, (lol) you're probably likely to find out either in the next update or the one after that, so keep your undies untangled!

The Animaniac Dude would just like to place a bit of a warning on this chapter. There are mentions of molestation, child abuse and other, quote unquote, "unyouthful stuff", so, if anyone can't stomach that, he'll mark where it starts and stops. He'll also try and not include anything extremely relevant to the plot in those, so said queasy people don't miss out.

The Animaniac Dude thought of a way for Gai to be all youthful-y with a legitimate reason, and without being a freak of nature! Glee! He would be a pretty cool character if he wasn't all youth-obsessed and stuff.

Okay, that's all The Animaniac Dude can think of, so… come 'ere, disclaimer! Come 'ere, boy!

Disclaimer: The Animaniac Dude doesn't own Naruto. If he did, Rock Lee would've been a whole lot less ugly! Nobody deserves that much ugliness in one life!

Good disclaimer! Here, get the treat! 'Throws a treat in the air, and the disclaimer eats it'

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The Sandaime walked down the street holding Naruto in a bundle of blankets, getting bows of respect from the populace, only to stop halfway and hiss at what he was carrying. He sighed. "And to think I thought I would be able to uphold his will…" he shook his head ruefully. "I hope Kakashi knows what he's doing, sending you to Drifting Leaf." He tilted his head to the bundle he was carrying. "Good luck, Naruto. You're going to need it."

'No I won't. I'm too skilled to need luck.'

'**Hey, hey, hey. No need to get a swelled head just because you have as much skill as a Hokage just hours after being born.' **Kyuubi smirked.

'Au contraire, fuzz-for-brains. That is EXACTLY why I'm allowed to have a swelled head.'

'**Oh, I'm SO getting you for that fuzz-for-brains comment!'**

'Bring it, you overgrown hairball!' a battle between a chibi Naruto and human-Kyuubi then sparked, causing a cartoony fight/dust cloud to appear. Sarutobi, oblivious to the turmoil in Naruto's mind, continued walking in silence.

Finally, as they reached the orphanage, the fight ended, with Naruto standing triumphantly on a beaten Kyuubi, a broken white flag still waving in his hand.

'Ha! Loser! I win!' he smirked once more. His mental tirade was halted as he heard voices being spoken.

"…will be brought by an ANBU guard every day. And if he comes to any harm, I will personally see to it that this building will be torn apart, brick by brick, and that you will never find employment as long as you live in Konoha!"

"Feh. So this little brat is the Kyuubi. Ugly bugger, isn't he? Never liked kids, nasty little maggots, the whole lot of 'em." At the Sandaime's glare, the man who Naruto had yet to see chuckled grimly. "Don't worry, one more bugger won't destroy us. I'll take the kid." Sarutobi relaxed.

"He's in your…" he paused. "Capable hands." As he turned away, only Naruto was able to see him grimace. Naruto shook his head and turned to see his new temporary guardian, only to recoil in shock. 'WHAT THE HELL!? SUPER FUZZY-BROWS!?' (A/N 'thunderous crash' DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNN!)

Once he got over the shock, he took a closer look and realized that this man was different from Gai. True, they both had the same bowl cut and unnaturally thick eyebrows, but this one looked worse for wear than said spandex man. He had an uneven coating of stubble on his chin, had a horrendous pot-belly, had his hair streaked with gray, and most noticeably, seemed to be blind in the left eye, if the milky whiteness coating it was anything to go by. Naruto scowled as he recognized the eye. 'Dammit! I never thought I'd have to deal with HIM again. I wish I knew this BEFORE I made Kakashi promise! This just makes things even more complicated.'

'**Shit, man. I agree with you. It would've been good forewarning to know that the sorry excuse for Gai's brother owned this."**

'No kidding. Maito Gen was one of the worst problem cases I'd seen.' One of the very first, as well as worst, cases that were brought to Naruto as Hokage involved Gen. He had been a Chuunin in the second Great War, as well as Gai's older brother by 13 years, before he quit and practically disappeared. When he didn't show up to enlist after the council issued a draft for all citizens with battle experience, (when the armies ran short fighting sound, rock and cloud,) the ANBU were sent to get him.

What they found disgusted them.

**(A/N LOOK AWAY, FAINT OF HEART! HERE COMES THE BAD STUFF!)**

The children inside were thin and sickly, their clothes in tatters. The beds were tightly packed together, barely enough room in between them for a child to squeeze by. The kitchen was grungy and the utensils were both rusted and covered in layers of grease, yet the children they asked said that they looked normal. When the ANBU led them out of there, a boy asked if they would have to be "touched in weird places again" to get this. (A/N Think 'Nazi concentration camps', if any of you have seen movies with those.)

The even crueler part was Gen's room was covered in riches. Silk sheets imported from Suna, mink coats sold only on the black market, trash can overflowing with tax papers over a decade old, the works. He was eventually charged with child molestation, child abuse, avoiding government summons, black market trading and tax dodging. He was put to death by almost unanimous vote. As Naruto had been walking out of the courtroom, Gai (which Naruto remembers as the only time he had ever seen him wearing a tuxedo, or anything not spandex related, and remarked that it looked good on him) stopped him, a somber look on his face. "Now you know why I've been so passionate about having my life full of youth. I want to live the life of innocence and purity that he never had. I never reported him, as he is my brother, but I have never condoned it."

**(A/N YOU CAN LOOK NOW, WEAK-HEARTED! IT'S SAFE!)**

Gen scowled, held Naruto at arm's length as though he were contagious, and walked inside the building. Although, calling it a proper building may have been an overstatement. It was little more than a wooden hut that was larger than usual. The shingles were broken and falling off, with entire holes showing in places; the walls were slanted, as though it was built on a slope. Naruto would have believed that, if it weren't for the fact that everything else was level.

"Rise and shine, maggots! Up and at 'em! Another day, another dollar!" Gen yelled while rattling a small tin bell on the door. Within minutes, the entry hall was filled with sleepy-eyed, miserable children. Gen did a quick head count before scowling and grabbing a boy by the scruff of his almost non-existent collar. "You! Where's that other boy, the really ugly one who's a smartass?"

'Takes one to know one, you monster!' Naruto growled as the boy mumbled something.

"Talk louder, you little freak, or I'll-"

"He said that he was tired, and if anyone dared to wake him up, he'd get the whole Hyuuga clan to Jyuuken their ass out of Konoha!" the boy yelled as the room grew quiet. A few of the older boys started to laugh as they understood the joke. Naruto winced. 'Yep, that's Lee alright. Only kid here who'd know about Jyuuken and the Hyuuga.'

"Did he, now? Well, let's find out, shall we? You first!" he then drop-kicked the boy into the bedrooms as Naruto heard what sounded like ribs snapping. Kyuubi growled.

"**Dammit, this is not good. We need to get some backup, ASAP."**

'Agreed. I'll get Kakashi.' Naruto closed the connection and reopened Kakashi's link. 'Kakashi! Kakashi, you there?'

'Naruto! What's wrong? You sound angry.' 

'Change of plans. An unforeseen circumstance has arisen. Things are going to spiral out of control if we don't get backup fast.'

'Yeah, sure, whatever. I'll get something from the old man, but after you answer some questions. Why Drifting Leaf? What's so special about it?'

Naruto sighed over the connection. 'Well, now that I've got all this time to make things right, I can't just leave Rock Lee here all alone, now can I?' Kakashi inhaled sharply.

'Lee's there!? My god, that's horrible!'

'And that's not the worst of it. You know Gai's brother, Gen, right? That's where things are off kilter from what I thought. He's the guy in charge of Drifting Leaf.'

'Oh my god…' Kakashi stumbled backward mid-stride as he realized the implications. 'We've gotta do something!'

'I know, I know, but what!? What CAN we do!?' Naruto stopped as he saw Rock Lee being brought in. 'Hot damn, Lee's getting dragged out of bed for something. This won't turn out well for anybody! Gotta go, think of something!'

Naruto broke off the link as Gen set him down on the floor and started talking. "Well, well, well. If it isn't the little freak! Causing trouble again, are we?" he turned to the assembled children. "We don't like troublemakers here, now do we?"

The children started and rapidly started agreeing with him, as though they were worried about what'd happen if they didn't. "Uh-huh!" "Yeah!" "That's right!"

"What do we do with troublemakers here?" Gen sneered maliciously.

"Beat 'em! Beat 'em!" the chant was taken up by the whole gathering as Naruto lay forgotten in Gen's arms.

"Damn, Lee. And you dealt with this your ENTIRE childhood last time? Oh, and also, don't go and strong fist everyone here like last time you were woken up, that'd raise some questions we don't want." Lee jumped about 3 feet in the air, much to the confusion of the children and Gen, as his eyes wandered frantically before stopping on Naruto.

"Naruto! What are you doing here!? This was not supposed to happen!" Lee stuttered mentally. Naruto sighed. He could feel fuzzy-brow's shame and embarrassment radiating across the link, unveiled and unhindered.

"Look around you! THIS is why I'm here, Lee! Did you actually think we could ever condone letting your entire childhood go to hell in a hamster cage not once, but twice!?" the argument, however, was cut off there as Gen recovered from Lee's unusual actions.

"What's the matter, little freak? Did you find out that everyone hates you? Nobody wants you, nobody needs you! Just a big baby, that's what you are!" he motioned to one of the kids, who snapped to attention and raced for a box on the other room. Opening it up, the kid grabbed it and ran back over to Gen as Naruto hissed.

The object was a cat-'o-nine-tails. (A/N no, it's not a demon, it's a type of whip with nine flails! Google it for info.)The toughened black leather handle was stained with red spots that couldn't be mistaken for anything but blood. The nine separate whips were worn away partially, as if it had seen much use. Gen sneered. "How many lashings for sleeping in does the freak deserve?"

The children started shouting out large numbers while looking at Lee with sadness in their eyes. 'Better his hide then mine.' They seemed to say. Gen held up a hand to silence them. "I heard forty out there. Who said forty?" the crowd parted to see an older boy walking up. Gen patted him on the head. "Excellent choice. You get to have white bread at dinner today." The crowd gasped, as if this was unheard of as the boy ran off in smiles.

"Now, let's get on with the show!" Gen ripped off Lee's shirt, exposing his unblemished back to the world. Gen frowned. "What? Where're the scars?"

'Kuma must've healed them.' Naruto brain-spoke to Kyuubi.

Gen shrugged. "No matter. I'll just put them back on!" he raised it over his head and brought it down…

Only to have it caught mid-swing by a gloved hand. Gen whirled around snarling, before freezing and draining the blood out of his face.

Standing in front of him, holding the whip in his hands, was the Yondaime Hokage. In actuality it was Naruto, who Henged unnoticed off of the fresh memory of his father. But Gen didn't know that.

"Y-Y-Yo-Yondaime!?" he stuttered. "B-b-but you-you're dead!"

"Even death cannot stop me from persecuting the wicked." Naruto spoke, his voice identical with the original. "And you, Maito Gen, are as wicked as they come. Repent, and I shall spare your soul from eternal damnation."

"**Repent and I'll spare your soul? Naruto, you disgust me!"** Kyuubi muttered in his head.

'Clichéd to the brink of existence, I know, but it gets the job done.' And indeed it did, for Gen was trembling at the knees, with a distinct off-color stain in his nether regions. 'Now, shut up and lemme think what I'm gonna do next.'

"**Well, if you are lacking any brainstorms, let me suggest something…" **Kyuubi dropped his voice conspiratorially, even though only Naruto could hear him, as he whispered an idea to his host.

Naruto grinned. 'You are an evil, evil, man. I love it!'

"**I know. It's a gift. Oh, and, how're you going to get out of this one without getting anybody suspicious? Going to be kind of freaky to the people if the Yondaime un-Henges to a little midget baby."**

'Don't worry, I've got it all figured out. It's going to be awesome!' he cut the connection and refocused on Gen. "do you wish to repent? Or shall I send your tarnished soul to the ninth gate of hell?"

"I-I-I-I repent! I repent!" Gen sobbed hysterically, sinking to his knees in front of Naruto.

Then you shall do everything I say, exactly as I say." Gen nodded. "First, you shall turn yourself in to the ANBU and confess your crimes." Gen opened his mouth to protest, but wisely closed it again. "Second, you shall give away all the ill-gotten wealth that you have hoarded to the poor." Gen trembled. "And third, you shall find homes for ALL of the children here, making sure that they find lodging with any and all willing families."

"But!" Gen started. Naruto silenced him with a wave of his hand.

"Do you wish for eternal torture?"

"But… the Kyuubi brat! Nobody would ever take him in! Not willingly! Please, Yondaime, anybody but the Kyuubi brat!"

Naruto glared. "Yes. Even Naruto Uzumaki."

"But he killed you!" Gen replied as a last ditch attempt to convince the 'Yondaime' otherwise. The temperature in the room dropped a good ten degrees. Chakra began to form around his body and lash out at anything in its reach.

"Never. EVER. Say that again! Do you wish that in exchange for my survival, Konoha and its denizens perished!? Do you foolish people want to desecrate and destroy the true hero of Konoha!? Naruto Uzumaki is the jailer of the Kyuubi, NOT the demon incarnate! I am going to be watching over this child, and I shall protect him and all who shall aid him in the future from any possible harm!" he turned to the gathering of children and teens. "Let it be known that Naruto Uzumaki has both the blessing and protection of Namikaze Minato, Yondaime Hokage!"

The chakra that was coalescing around his body exploded in a blinding burst of light. When the orphans and Gen recovered enough eyesight to see, the place where the Yondaime had been standing was empty.

A disembodied voice floated through the air. "I am watching over him, Gen. and I shall know if you don't make good on your word. Aid him, and you will share the glory. Obstruct him…" the voice faded away. On the other side of the room, Naruto lay belly-first on the ground, deep in conversation. (A/N the conversation between Naruto and Kyuu is within just a few seconds, instead of however long it takes you to read the talking. When Gen talks after the talk, it's been one or two seconds after the disappearing act. Just wanted to make that point clear, so that there's no confusion about Gen's slow thinking, or lack thereof.)

"**Nice. That was cool, I have to admit. Though I'm wondering how you got from over there to here without Bunshins, and looking like normal."**

'Simple. I just released the Henge, and Kawarimi'd with an air particle over there.'

"**Without any handseals?" **Kyuubi asked wryly.

'Yeah, I know. That's part of the bloodline I asked for. Remember? Simple jutsus and frequently used jutsus can be done without seals?"

"**That's right, I forgot. Lucky bastard."**

Naruto gurgled happily. Gen flinched, then turned and picked up Naruto Uzumaki into his arms.

"Blessing, eh…?" he muttered. "Whose blessing is it? Yours, for protection and recognition? Or mine, for a second chance at a second life?"

He shook his head of those thoughts and pointed to four or five of the older teens. "You! Stay here with me for a bit! The rest of you, go start scrounging for money or sellable stuff! I highly doubt there's going to be families for all of you on the first day, and good food isn't cheap!"

The assembled masses muttered in confusion before a girl, no more than five of six, stepped forward. "But, Gen-sama, the food we eat is cheap!" the others nodded their heads and muttered approval.

Gen raised two fingers. "Okay, first, never call me Gen-sama again, Gen-san would be fine; and second, I said GOOD food, not the crap you used to eat! THAT kind of food isn't cheap!

The orphans cheered at this news as they figured out what it meant. "Yay! Good food!" "No more lunchmeat surprise!" "We can eat white bread now!"

"Not if you don't start finding money!" Gen roared. The kids yelped before scurrying off to their appointed jobs. He shook his head and turned to the pre-adults. "I called you here because you people are the more mature and responsible ones. You are old enough to be able to legally find and work at jobs. Find whatever odd jobs possible to get a regular cash flow here." The teens nodded before whooping and charging off into the city.

Gen chuckled and looked downed at the toddler in his arms. "So it's just you and me, eh, little tyke? I think we should go pay a visit to our friendly neighborhood Hokage now. I don't a deceased Hokage starting a spiritual headhunt for me."

'Yeah, that probably wouldn't be good.'

"**Yes, but if he confesses, he's going to have a live Hokage starting a physical headhunt for him."**

'Ah. Touché.'

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After getting lost seven times on the way, Naruto and Gen finally arrived at the Hokage tower. Not two seconds after opening the door, the inward procession was halted by two ANBU.

"Do you have an appointment with the Hokage?" the one on the right intoned.

"No." the ANBU reached for his arms to escort him way. "But I have something to say to the Hokage that he will drop everything for."

"Really now? Give us one reason we should allow you, when countless others have tried and failed." The one on the left spoke.

Gen smirked and motioned his head towards the bundle wrapped in his arms. The ANBU on the left reached down to see, but snapped his hand back as if bitten once Naruto was visible.

"Ah. Yes. That… thing. You are the caretaker?" Gen nodded. "Then you must be here to get rid of it. I do not envy you." The two guards flanked Gen's sides as he walked up the stairs.

"Suckers." Gen muttered under his breath.

The first ANBU reached out and knocked on the office door. "Hokage-sama? An important visitor to see you."

"What? I did not have anything planned for now!" they heard a sigh from inside. "Fine. If they convinced you two, then it's important. Come in." with this, Gen strolled inside while the guards waited outside.

The Hokage was sitting at his desk, hastily scribbling away at a long string of paperwork. He wearily looked up. "Yes, what can I-"

"Hokage-sama, I have done a great wrong, and I wish to come clean." Gen dropped to his knees and told the Hokage all of his crimes. When he finally finished, the Hokage was silent.

"This is a very serious matter. You have described enough crimes to be sentence to life in prison. Possibly even earn the death penalty." Gen lowered his head in shame. "And yet, you came forward and told us all of these crimes without us prompting you to. We were not even aware of these crimes, and you still tell us. That in itself counts for something." He kneaded his forehead with his knuckles for a few seconds before arching his fingers into a steeple. "I have decided. You shall not be put to death or sent to jail."

Gen let out an audible sigh. "Thank you, Hokage-sama."

"However, this doesn't mean that you shall come away scot-free. You are hereby sentenced to a thousand hours of community service and a 5000 ryo fine, both of which can be paid back at your leisure."

'Not bad, considering.' Naruto thought to himself. Gen voiced these same thoughts. "That's not so difficult. Thank you for giving me another chance."

"I am just glad that you have found the way again." The Hokage stood and shook hands with Gen before Gen turned to walk out the door. As he was opening the door, Sarutobi's voice rang out. "By the way… to satisfy my burning curiosity… what made you want to do this?"

Gen chuckled. "That is another story in itself. May I sit down?" he spoke, motioning towards an empty chair. Sarutobi nodded. "Thank you. I'll be blunt: the things I am about to tell you are fantastic, implausible and downright unbelievable. And yet, it is completely true. It's also why I brought along the little tyke here."

Sarutobi blinked, just noticing Naruto for the first time. "Naruto! What does this have to do with him?"

"Everything. To put it in a nutshell, I was visited by a ghost." He then proceeded to tell his entire encounter with the 'Yondaime's ghost.' Halfway along, Sarutobi was slack-jawed. By the end his face was pale as paper, and his eyes dangerously bulging out of their sockets.

"But…but…but…but…" he slumped back into his chair bonelessly. "I'm going to need some strong sake. You can go now."

"By your leave." Gen bowed, still holding Naruto, and walked out the door. As he pushed open the door, he could hear two muffled cries of pain. Looking around, he could see the ANBU guards holding their noses tightly, as if hurt. He shrugged and walked on.

Even before Gen rounded the corner, the ANBU guards were whispering to each other, still clutching their painfully throbbing nasal cavities.

. "Didja hear that?! The Yondaime's ghost showed up!"

"Forget that, the demon brat's got the ghost's blessing!"

"Oh, man, I've GOT to tell my mom this, she'll freak out!"

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Meanwhile, back in the Hokage's office, Sarutobi gulped down yet another swig of sake. It wasn't Tsunade's quality, but it drank good. (that's a phrase my grandpa always uses. 'It may not be to your tastes, but it eats good.') Sighing, he turned back to the pile of paperwork at his desk. "This is EXACTLY why I retired in the first place! To get away from this!" he grumbled. Still fuming, he reached into the pile of papers at random and pulled out a random request for a search warrant. Sighing again, he gave it a cursory glance before blinking and looking at the person to be searched. "Maito… Gen?" he slumped back in his chair, holding his head. "The irony is so cruel."

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A/N: Jesus born in Bethlehem, that was hard to write. Ooh, that reminds me! I'm going to try really really hard to get the super-duper long chapter done before Christmas, but it's not guaranteed, so, if I don't, happy post-thanksgiving, and merry Christmas to you all!

1: the word is out, the 'ghost' is in! Now that the ANBU know about it, it's only a matter of time before it gets out to the general populace, and then all hell breaks loose! Lol

2:to all people who recognized where I got Katon: crap o' flame no jutsu: here's a cookie! 'Hands out chocolate chuck cookies' for those of you who didn't know, I got it from _fun with Akatsuki _episode 10. It's a hilarious Youtube series about Akatsuki life.

3: if any of you see any glaring canon issues with the story, (aside with the obviously stated ones, like Naruto monkeying around with the time stream) please review and tell me! I'm not all-knowing, and I'd like this story to be as accurate as possible!

4: RANT CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right now I am so fuckin' mad at a political guy! His name? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran. HE IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE! He's so stuffed to the gills with bullshit that he goes around telling everybody that the holocaust never happened! Sure. Right. What is this, a government conspiracy forum? And you're saying that all of the eyewitness accounts of genocide on the Jews, the TATTOOS, all the DEAD PEOPLE, all of those are fake. Yes. Sure. Brilliant. Here's your 'special van', sir. It's here to escort you to your new home: a windowless room with five-by-seven padded walls. And don't even get me started on the gay thing! Sure, it's sick, wrong and not how god intended us to love someone, but hey, that's how they think. I may think it's disgusting, but they truly just aren't attracted to the opposite gender. They're still human! And Mahmoud just goes around spouting off that Iran doesn't have any gays. What about the ones you SHOOT, you bastard!? They're people, not animals! And Israel! Hell, he's practically announced war against them! 'Israel should be wiped off the map,' he says. And he's got the nukes to fuckin' back up his claim! I can already see it! It's like a theme park: "come one, come all, to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Alternate Universe! Where the holocaust didn't happen, where there are no gays, (except for the ones we kill) and Israel has been blown up!" he is a sick, sick man and should be locked up somewhere where he can't hurt anyone! Damn him!

5: I am really curious right now: you know the seven swordsmen of the mist, right? Well, so far, I've only seen two: kisame and zabuza. Who are the other guys? If anybody has a clue who they are, I'd really like to know, for curiosity's sake!

6: I'd like to place an APB (all points bulletin) out on information about any and all Japanese gods! I'll need the info for the story, so, please help a guy out!

There's probably more stuff I need to talk about, but I just don't really care right now. I want this done! REVIEW!


	7. Uzumaki's Blood

A/N YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!! My story has finally hit one hundred reviews! 'Starts weeping hysterically' thank you all! You people are so great!

Although, where did all my reviewers go? I got a bunch of reviews, but I only got 14 for the new chapter! What gives? Is it something I wrote? Honestly, did something I said or did in the story become offensive? I must know! I want to write this story for the people, not for myself! So, please! You can be honest with me! I won't be offended!

Okay, I was planning on doing the super long chapter for this update, but then the slowdown in reviews happened, and I would rather do a normal chapter that everybody likes, than a long chapter that ticks people off! Until I know what's going on, the super-long is put on hold. But I am still doing it!

Okay, people, for those of you a little mad about Sandaime's lenient punishment, he's gonna get flak for it in this chapter, so, I'm not downgrading the seriousness of child abuse or anything! I had this all planned out!

Umm, I don't think anybody likes a long author's notes, so, on to the story!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. All I own is my clothes, a dollar fifty-three, my dignity- oh, wait, lost that a while ago…

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After a few minutes of thinking, Naruto realized that the plan that he'd hoped for didn't happen. 'SHIT! Ji-ji (grandpa, Naruto's nickname for Sarutobi) didn't assign anybody to watch over me like I thought he would! Dammit!' he hastily opened the connection to Kakashi. "Kakashi! You there?"

"Aren't I always? This is the only place this connection goes." Kakashi muttered in his mind. "But I ramble. How did the thingymabob go?"

Naruto both blinked and sweatdropped at Kakashi's unique vocabulary choice. "Umm, ignoring the fact that that sentence sounded as intelligent as a regular three year old, it didn't work out as planned. I need you to get in there and somehow get the old man to get Itachi assigned to doing guard duty over me. I don't care if you have to hold him at kunai-point while he writes the mission report, but get it done!"

"Itachi? What'aya want with him? Wait, you know what, never mind. You came up with it, so it's probably for a good reason."

"Exactly. About this time frame, he should just be a fresh genin out of the academy, so, this kind of trivial work wouldn't get scrutinized too much." Naruto projected all of the events that occurred in the Hokage's office, so as to give him any ideas. "Think of something."

"I'm on it." With those parting words, Kakashi disappeared from his position in a swirl of leaves.

"**And now we wait."** Kyuubi spoke in an uncharacteristically somber tone.

'And now we wait.

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Kakashi hopped from rooftop to rooftop, head full of turmoil. 'What could Naruto be thinking? Wanting Itachi to play babysitter? When he's going to massacre the Uchiha clan in a few years, too!' he pondered. 'Though I can't help but feel he stressed him being fresh out of the academy somewhat. What could this mean?' he paused for a moment, stroking his chin like a beard before laughing out loud. "HA! Brilliant! If Naruto plans to convert Itachi for us, then I'll definitely get him stuck to babysitting!" he leaped off with renewed vigor to the Hokage tower.

After a few moments, a man stepped out from underneath the shadowy overhangs. Ibiki Morino stood stock still before quietly taking out a pen and pad of paper. Quickly, he jotted down a few notes. "Interesting… this only further pushes me to believing the assassins… Uzumaki Naruto and Hatake Kakashi… who are you?"

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Kakashi entered the Hokage tower before once again being halted by the ANBU guards, who, unknown to the silver-haired teen, were sporting conspicuous nose bandages under their masks.

"Hatake Kakashi. Welcome. Do you have an appointment?" the ANBU on the right spoke, in a slightly nasal voice.

He had already thought out his plan of getting past them. 'If I can intimidate them into letting me by, then I can do plan B.' using this logic, he twisted his face in rage. "No, and I don't fuckin' care! I don't give a rat's ass that I don't have an appointment, I've got a bone to pick with the Hokage and you're not stopping me!" he roared at the ANBU as they rushed to barricade his path.

"We are most aggrieved by your problem, captain Hatake, but we cannot allow you to pass without prior arrangement." The guard on the left intoned.

"Screw you!" he yelled while hunching down with the Raikiri starting to form.

As his (in this timeline) newfound skill had yet to get much fanfare, as he had just perfected it in this time, the guards were expecting neither the move nor the aggressiveness. "Hatake, this is high treason to Konoha. If you do not disengage the jutsu, we will be forced to restrain you."

'Kuso! It's not working! Time for plan B!' he slowly unclenched his hand. The ANBU guards untensed…

Right before Kakashi leaped over their heads to the office hallway.

"HEY! STOP THAT MAN!" they screamed.

The Jounin looked over his shoulder and gave a peace sign while eye-smiling. "Sorry, gotta go!" with this, he put on an extra burst of speed and raced for the Hokage's office. The ANBU ran even faster. They reached out to grab his arms…

And succeeded. Kakashi's body bucked forward, still carrying on by the momentum he built up. "Lemme go! Lemme go! Hokage! You senile old man! How could you!?" he screamed, trying as hard as possible to create a scene.

"Down with the pest!" they swung him around so that his feet were no longer touching the floor. One started to swing a kunai towards his neck when…

"Guards! Kakashi! What is going on here!?" Sarutobi yelled as he walked down the hallway.

"Hokage-sama. Hatake Kakashi was attempting to see you without an appointment. When he was denied, he went into a blind rage and attacked us. He is a menace to Konoha and is being taken care of." They reported while bowing, never losing grip on their hostage.

"Bullshit! These half-wit guards have a log shoved three feet up their asses! I have undeniable news that my future adopted son was put in the hands of a child abuser and you didn't provide sufficient punishment! Nor did you do anything for the children that were actually abused! And I didn't lay a finger on them!" Kakashi screamed, wriggling furiously. The ANBU guard slapped him across the face.

"You shall not speak to the Hokage with such disrespect!"

"That's enough!" they flinched slightly at the volume and turned to the Hokage. "While I do understand that you were doing your job, you cannot just up and kill not only a Konoha ninja, but one of the brightest potentials we have just for disobeying a minor rule! As of this moment, you two are temporarily stripped of your ANBU rank and placed on house arrest, pending further inquiry." He waved his hand, and Jounins appeared from the walls and led them away.

He sighed. "I had been getting reports that those two were getting corrupt with the power and the lounge job, but to think they would become so extreme…" he shook his head and sighed again. "Now, what was it that you wanted, Kakashi?"

"Your head on a stick! The orphanage guy comes up to you, tells you that he's a child abuser, and all you do about it is give him a fine and community service hours!? You didn't even post a guard to watch that weasel!? That evil, douche! He… UH!!!!!" he huffed in frustration.

The Sandaime was shocked. "How do you know of this? I talked to him not just ten minutes ago!"

"That's beside the point! What I want is that there's a guard posted to watch like a hawk! I don't even care if it's a genin! I just want it done! I want no repeat offenders! Hell, I'd put a thousand Sharingan eyes watching the place if it were my choice! Possibly even Hyuuga!"

"But you were the one that suggested putting him there, genius!" Sarutobi retorted.

"Yeah, when I didn't know that white bread was a novelty to those kids! And besides…" he stopped and averted his eyes.

"And besides…?" the Hokage prodded.

"And besides. He's going to be treated like trash when he grows up. Don't deny it." He said as he saw the Hokage open his mouth to protest. "You know as well as I do that the villagers are petty and shallow enough to hate him, even if you make it a law to be kind to him. The kids from that orphanage are the most hated street rats of Konoha. They would have common ground on being hated, and therefore, he might gain some friends while he's there; and the owner has no qualms about taking him in. As opposed to the alternative, where the manager kicks him out after two days and makes the kids hate him even more irrationally."

The Sandaime was silent for a good thirty seconds before speaking again. "Very well. I will have a parole officer, of sorts, posted on Drifting Leaf to watch him. You do not have to worry over this." Kakashi sighed in relief. "Now, is there anything else you wanted to ask?"

"Yes. I would ask, though it is overly presumptuous of me, to be granted one-time use hermit status, to be used when I so wish."

"Hermit status!?" Sarutobi gaped. Hermit status was the title given to enable travel outside of the village without a mission and not be chased down by hunter-nin (hunter ninja). Sometimes, it was granted to grieving ninjas at the loss of a mentor or a teammate, though more often that not it was gained by sheer skill; Jiraiya and Tsunade being examples of both clauses. "Why would you want that!? And in what pretext are you asking it with!?"

He shrugged. "I'm not sure why I want it. I just know that I want it. Something's telling me to gain this. It's strange. Oh, and I'm perfectly within my rights to ask for it, since my mentor just died. Or did you forget what happened yesterday so fast?"

The Hokage cringed. "Ah. Touché."

"Dammit, he stole my line! That bastard!" Naruto screamed over the connection suddenly. Kakashi jumped in his seat.

"Kakashi? Is something the matter?" the Sandaime asked, looking at him oddly.

"No, no, everything's fine." He said placatingly. He quickly 'turned' back to Naruto. "Naruto! You scared me! How long have you been listening?"

Right about when the ANBU started chasing you. I sensed you were in trouble and I wanted to know why. Sorry! But I gotta ask: why hermit status?"

"Like I told the old man, I'm not sure. I just feel like it would be a good ace in the hole for if we ever need it. We may be from the future, which is good, but having two aces is better than one. And besides, if we need to monkey around with something outside of the village unnoticed, this allows it!"

"I see your point. Now start talking to ji-ji again, he's looking at you funny." The Jounin quickly snapped off the connection at this and refocused on Sarutobi. And he was, indeed, giving him strange looks.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying again?" Kakashi asked, hoping to cover his fumble.

"I was saying that I have formally granted you temporary hermit status, to be invoked when you so desire." The Sandaime replied, handing over an official-looking sheet of paper.

"Thank you, Hokage-sama. That is all. By your leave." Kakashi bowed before walking out the door. As he opened the door, he heard a muffled cry of pain from behind the door. Sighing, he walked on and ignored the new ANBU guards, who were massaging bruised noses like their predecessors.

"Wowee! Listen to that! Kakashi got himself a hermit permit!" (Bad rhyme unintended!)

"This is incredible! Hokage-sama hasn't given out those since the Sannin! This'll make great water cooler talk!"

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Meanwhile, with Naruto… (Simultaneous with Kakashi's meeting)

---------------

A few moments passed after Kakashi left, Naruto yawned. 'This is getting boring now.'

"**Well, maybe you should've thought of that when you thought the plan out, peabrain!" **

'Shut up, fuzz-butt!' he growled before blinking. 'Wait, that's it! Kyuu, you're a genius!'

"**Wait, I am?"** Kyuubi responded dumbly before catching himself. **"I mean, yeah! Of course I am! Did you ever doubt that? By the way, what am I a genius for?"**

'Coming up with something to do: thinking a plan out! We can figure out what we're gonna monkey with this time and set a timetable for all of it!'

"**You're right! I AM a genius! Let's get workin' on that!"**

'Right! So, lemme see, what can we screw around with that we didn't like? Ooh, maybe we can keep Orochimaru from defecting!'

"**Before our time, kid, though that was a good idea."**

Naruto frowned. 'Drat. Oh well. Hmm… I've already got Itachi being worked on…'

"**Wait a sec, kid. Kakashi's in trouble."**

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(The whole scene with Kakashi happens here)

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'Well. That was interesting. Now we've got even more to work with here.' Naruto stated as he cut the link to Kakashi.

"**Yeah. Now we're now bound to the village anymore! We can fix even more stuff!"**

'Right! Okay, so, back on track. Let's see… how about… Neji.'

"**Neji?" **Kyuubi quirked an eyebrow.

'Yeah, seriously! We should fix whatever made him all fate-obsessed and stuff! Wasn't it his dad dying that screwed him over?'

"**Yeah, I think so. And that was because the cloud people tried to steal that one chick, I think you called her Hinata. So, we stop the kidnapping, and the Hyuuga clan's set! OOH! And, what about the whole 'haku-zabuza' thing? It's down the road a ways, but it still has to be considered."**

'Good point. Heh, maybe we can even convert them to Konoha!'

Kyuubi snorted. **"Convert them? Granted, I'll give you Haku, he said himself that you guys could've been friends, but Zabuza? One of the seven swordsmen? Just go buy the entire gift bundle, why don't ya?"**

'Good idea! We can take all of the people that would be the seven swordsmen, and turn them all to Konoha! You are brilliant!'

Kyuubi sweatdropped. **"I was speaking sarcastically."**

Naruto ignored him. 'But why stop at the seven swordsmen!? Why not all of the powerful enemies that we've ever fought! That would make Konoha a virtual powerhouse!'

"**You're an ambitious little tyke, aint'cha? That's some mighty high goals you got there! I like your style, kid!"**

Kyuubi and Naruto yelped. "Kuma! When did you start listening in?"

**Long enough to know what you're planning on. If you're trying to set something secret up, you should build up the walls for your connections. Otherwise, we can all hear them!"**

"Yeah, seriously, Naruto. I'm trying to sleep here!" Kiba yelled.

"Though I like your ideas. You and I could brood on them for a while; I'd probably be able to figure out a schedule for us to work with, as troublesome as it may be." Shikamaru yawned.

"Thanks, Shika!" Naruto exclaimed.

Said pineapple-head grew an eye twitch. "Dammit, Naruto! Only team ten and Temari are allowed to call me that! If I was able to move…" he trailed off before taking a calming breath. "You know what? I'll be generous and let that one slide. Okay, so, back on track. Naruto, you said that you got some goodies from Shinigami. I need to know what we can work with if I'm gonna plan our changes to the timeline."

"Yeah, I'm kinda curious too." Chouji added.

"Okay, okay, I get the point, you all want to know. Fine. I'll tell you." Naruto took in a deep breath. "When Shinigami told me I had three wishes, I used all of them in ways that I could see benefiting us."

"**Well, that part's a wee bit obvious, given that we're talking at all right now."**

"Do you want to know or not?" Naruto snapped. Kuma stopped talking. "Thank you. As I was saying, I used all three wishes in ways that I could see helping us."

"The first one that I used was to create the mindscape. I had figured that since we can't physically train, that we could train in something like that while we're babies. You know create awesome new Uber-techniques for this time?" the group nodded. "So I did that."

"And the second one…" Naruto winced. "Well, I kinda did this one more for me than for us all."

"And….? What did you do?" Kiba prompted.

"I gave myself a bloodline."

Silence.

"YOU DID WHAT!?!?!?!?" they all screamed.

"I know, I know, it was selfish of me and-"

Dude! That is awesome! You got a bloodline! That is so cool it's not even funny!" Kiba yelled.

"The fact that you even thought of that idea in the first place is what's got me impressed!" Chouji added.

"I too, am impressed with your wish choice. Very wise." said Gaara.

Only Shikamaru was unfazed. "And? What does it do?"

Naruto smirked. "Are you sure you want to know? As soon as you find out you're going to want to kill me."

"Oh, come on! Stop being a drama queen and tell us!"

"Very well, then, Kiba. But don't blame me if you get jealous."

"First off, the presence of the bloodline manifests as a small tattoo on the back."

"A tattoo? Why a tattoo?" asked a confused Chouji.

"I thought about how all the bloodlines that I've seen have some sort of telltale sign that gives away that it's a bloodline. Like, all the Doujutsus (eye techniques) that I've seen make the person have really funky eyes. Because of that, people hunting for rare bloodlines can go, 'oh, he has white eyes, he's got the Byakugan,' or, 'hey, he's got all-black eyes, he's an Uchiha'. I want none of it! A tattoo on the back would normally always be covered by a shirt, so nobody knows about it! Also, since it's not a specific body part, like an eye or anything, the secrets of it can't be stolen and reverse-engineered! And besides, it adds in an extreme element of confusion for one of the later effects."

Gaara nodded while holding his chin. "Interesting logic. It makes sense."

"Thank you, Gaara. Now, the tattoo itself is a Mantekyou design, with rings surrounding it. It starts out with just one ring, and slowly adds on as time passes. The more rings there are, the more powerful the techniques are. I added this gradual adding-in thing as a bit of a safety precaution, to make sure that if any of my descendants go stir-crazy, they don't have all the power at once."

"Nice. I like it. And- hold on. You said descendants. And that means kids. That means marriage. And that means loving some chick. You already got a girl in mind, Rokudaime Hokage?" Kiba added slyly.

"Ooh, who is she who is she? Why haven't you introduced her yet?" Chouji teased.

Naruto blushed. "Sh- shut up! I was speaking hypothetically!"

"When's the wedding? Are you planning on doing it indoors or outdoors?" Shikamaru smirked.

"Gaara! Please! Help a fellow Jinchuuriki out!" Naruto pleaded.

Gaara stayed silent for a moment before speaking. "We've got some excellent catering services in Suna, I could arrange one of them to serve."

Silence.

"Oh. My. God. Gaara just made a joke." Shikamaru breathed.

"Its party time, everybody! Let's celebrate Gaara's first joke!" Naruto exclaimed, completely forgetting his friend's "betrayal".

Party balloons appeared magically in the mindscape as everybody danced around Gaara, throwing streamers as they went. Gaara remained motionless throughout the entire thing.

"Why are you all celebrating over this event? This is highly irregular."

"You made your first joke! In both time streams! That's more than enough reason to celebrate!" exclaimed Naruto as he threw a streamer into Gaara's head, making a soft 'thump'.

"Yeah, well, your mom in my pants."

Everybody froze in mid-frolic. "Dude. You did not just say that. You did not just say 'your mom in my pants.'" Said Chouji, horrified.

He shrugged. Well, at least it got you all to shut up. Now, can focus on the topic at hand?"

"Oh. Yeah. The bloodline thingy. Right." Naruto coughed, embarrassed. "Anyways, as I was saying, I added that as a safety precaution, since this thing is so damn powerful. I also did it because, if Kyuubi possessed me, he wouldn't become even more Uber-powerful."

"**Hey! I resent that comment!"** Kyuubi huffed.

"No comments from the peanut gallery!" Kyuubi pouted and went off to sit in a corner. The group snickered at his misfortune.

Shinigami added another thing to it, but more on that later. I first thought about how I've always been mediocre about throwing projectile accuracy. So, one of the features adds in a 'zoom feature' to my eyes. At the first ring, I can pinpoint on a target 100 yards away. With each upgrade, the range increases in fifty yard increments."

Kakashi whistled. "So, you're our replacement for Tenten, then?"

Naruto glowered. "You want me to tell you guys or not?" they wisely shut up. "Thank you. Now, what was next?

"Ah, yes. Now I remember. The next thing I thought of was that if I ever started a clan- and don't even think about commenting on that, you guys!" here he glared at the younger generation. They, with the exception of Gaara, grinned cheekily at him. "I was thinking about how everybody always carries around the bulky weapons and stuff, which always gives them away as ninja. And if they're trying to get an inside man on an organization, the guards usually take away any sealing scrolls, as well as any weapons, thereby leaving them stuck heavily relying on tai-, nin-, and Genjutsu. If they were trying to smuggle in a specialized weapon in the first place, that leaves their choices painfully limited."

"I've eliminated this problem by adding in a storage seal to the tattoo. The seal leads to an alternate dimension created solely for the purpose of keeping the stuff for the seal. Not only could you smuggle in a mansion to somewhere, it only activates to the user, making it impossible for anybody to steal anything from it!"

"YES! NARUTO, YOU ARE A BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT MAN!!!" Kakashi screamed giddily, hugging Naruto while weeping. "I'm so proud to call you my student!"

"Why, thank you, kaka-"

"You now have a foolproof place to safely put all of your Icha Icha Paradise volumes when any female stops by your house! Savor your long life, Naruto! Savor it for me!" he yelled while holding a fist up to the heavens. A stray sunbeam hit Naruto's features, illuminating him. The other's eyes went wide as they gathered around Naruto and kowtowed.

"We are not worthy, we are not worthy, we are not worthy…" they chanted.

Naruto's eye twitched. "You know, only you could have cone up with such an idiotic use for it." The others looked scandalized.

"Wait! That's NOT what you created it for!?" Kakashi asked incredulously.

"No, it wasn't, so shut up and let me freakin' talk!" he screamed while launching himself at Kakashi. Only the combined efforts of Gaara's sand, Rock Lee and Kuma were able to restrain him.

"Okay, okay, point taken. Zip the lip. Silent as the grave."

"Thank you. Now as I was-"

"Not a single sound out of me."

Twitch. Twitch. "As I was say-"

"You're going to think I'm mute after this."

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" Naruto screamed as he launched himself once again at Kakashi. They weren't able to restrain him this time.

---------------------------

One or two hours and a massively bruised Kakashi later, Naruto remembered what he was talking about.

"Okay. If anybody interrupts me again, they'll end up looking like that guy." He pointed at the lump that vaguely resembled Kakashi. They all violently shuddered and promised to shut up.

"Thank you. Now let's see, I've done eyes, storage- oh yeah! Now I remember! Jutsus that are frequently used, like my Kage Bunshin, and simple techniques, like academy level to Chuunin level, can be done without seals."

Kakashi's eyes bugged out. "Academy through Chuunin! Seallessly!? That's a fairly impressive range of techniques."

"You're forgetting frequently used ones." To illustrate this point, five Naruto 'poofed' into existence and immediately dispelled themselves, all without the original moving a muscle.

"Dude. That is so awesome it's not even funny. I bow to your wisdom." Chouji mumbled before attempting to kowtow again. Naruto, however, had other plans.

"Dammit, no! No kowtowing!" he kicked Chouji in the ribs, toppling him over to the side. "And besides, I haven't even listed the best stuff yet!"

"There's more? You jam-pack this thing with all of these awesome moves, and YOU'RE NOT DONE!?" they all screamed.

"Oh, yeah. Way more. The list goes on and on. Oh, come on. I just know all of you would've done the same thing! If you get the chance to create your very own, customized bloodline, you'd try to cram everything you can into it! Don't deny it!" he pointed to all of their guilty faces. "But, because I'm not petty, I'll not make you jealous and skip over most of it. I'll go to the very best part. The 'piece de résistance', you could call it."

"Yeah?" they all leaned in.

"This part is so powerful, that Shinigami himself had to put a limitation on it, on top of my own limitation, to ensure that nature would stay in balance."

"Yeah?" they leaned in even closer.

"This part, will rock the very foundations of the world, and bring Konoha's name to the mountaintops of heaven!"

"What!? What!? What is it!? WHAT IS IT!?" they screamed.

"I can…" Naruto whispered something to the group.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

"WWWWWWHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????" Rock Lee, Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru, Kuma, Kyuubi, Kakashi and Shukaku screamed before falling in a tangled pile of unconscious limbs. Gaara turned to Naruto.

"So, now you can copy other people's bloodlines?"

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MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The plot thickens! I jam-packed Naruto's bloodline with everything I could think of, and some that I forgot! I will say, however, what I said in chapter 2: strong, not demigod. As I stated above, there are limitations on it, and some weaknesses that Naruto has no clue about. Take a pound of sugar with a pinch of salt, ne? Too much of a good thing is a bad thing…

1: Yay! I was finally able to finish this chapter in time for Christmas! Thank you all for reading this, you have no idea how much this makes me feel good! You've given this to me, so this is my gift to you!

2: I. Want. You. All. To rip my stories apart! I want to find out what is wrong with my story! I need some critics! How will I ever get better if I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Even if you think that my story is a gift from the gods, then review and tell me! They are a good kick in the backside to get me working again!

3: OMAKE!!!!!!!!!

War stories

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In the middle of the mindscape field, underneath a flowering Sakura tree, (cherry blossom tree) the three Bijuu sat together, recounting endless tales.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!! And then she sat on it!?" Kuma buckled in two from laughter.

"And it went flying across the room!?" Shukaku was also laughing hard.

"And aunt Mikoto's eyebrows were never the same." Kyuubi chuckled as he finished his story.

"Oh, man! That was priceless!" Shukaku wiped away an invisible tear. "So, now that we've all had a good laugh, why don't swap some of the ol' war stories!"

"Yeah, great idea! Hey, fuzz-ball! Remember that one war with the rebel herons?" Kuma called good-naturedly to Kyuubi.

"Oh, yeah. I think they were mad that they didn't get a significant spot on the monarchy, and were stuck on the civilian representatives."

"Pff! As if they could get a seat! They wouldn't have half the required clan size if they doubled their ranks!"

"Yeah, but they were brilliant strategists, and weren't afraid to use low blows. Remember that one battle…?

----------------

Scene change

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A slightly younger looking Kyuubi marched through the mixed ranks of foxes and bears. Spotting his second-in-command, he marched over while giving a military salute.

"At ease, soldier. What's the status of the enemy?"

"Well, general, they seem to be on the ropes, so we can just- wait! They're bringing out some sort of reserve troop. And it's quite a large group! Half the original army size!" he pulled out a brass spyglass with his tail, opened it up and looked through it. "They seem to be waving a banner of sorts. I can't see what it is. Wait. It's coming into focus…" as he said this, a growing look of horror spread across his face. "Oh god… it's… it's horrible! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he through the spyglass over his shoulder and ran.

Kyuubi cursed. "Kuso! Spineless coward! When I get my hands on him, I'll…" he picked up the spyglass on it.

'Wait. It's the herons… but… crazed look in the eye… extreme speed and endurance…' "Dammit!" spat on the ground. "Demon fangirls! That's a cheap shot, even for them! Wait… he said a banner…" he looked through the glass again. His eyes widened. "Oh sweet Kami…"

On the banner, in broad, pink letters, were the words: KYUU X KUMA 4EVER!!!

"YAOI DEMON FANGIRLS!!!!" Kyuubi screamed. "RETREAT! FALL BACK MEN, WE'RE IN OVER OUR HEADS!"

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Scene change

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"One of the bloodiest battles we'd ever seen." Kuma shuddered.

"Yeah. And it took such a fuckin' long time to get one of the fangirls, bring it behind the lines, and exorcise it, one by one!" Kyuubi yelled. "CURSE YOU, YAOI FANGIRLS! BUT I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!"

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And, that's all that I can think of! If a think of anything more, I'll just edit this page and add it on. So, toodles! Merry Christmas, everyone! And a happy new year!

Review. You know you want to.


	8. Enter Itachi, Exit Secrecy

Hi, guys! I'd like to say, that I'm NOT DEAD! Hurray! I've been really busy, so, sorry! I tried to work on it over winter break and spring break, but then I kinda forgot about it. Oops!

I've heard that some people think that this story is not really that serious, so, I'll try to tone down the humor a little in the following chapters; don't expect me to succeed to any great extent, though. Sorry! That's just how the ideas come to me!

Like I said about Naruto's bloodline: strong, not demigod. I have not revealed any specific details about the blood-copy thing, so don't go dissing me about it! You don't even know squat about it yet!

So, on with the chapter!

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Disclaimer: I finally bought Naruto! WOOT! (Lawyers appear with iron bats) okay, okay! Maybe not…

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"Yeah, I can copy bloodlines." Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. As soon as the rest of the group had regained consciousness, they'd started an intense interrogation session on Naruto.

Kakashi gaped. "That's just not even fair! You'll be able to steal all the village's aces!"

"Hey, hey, hey! I said that both Shinigami and I put some limits on it, remember?" Naruto said while waving his hands placatingly. "First of all, my precaution is that I can only copy one bloodline per power band."

Shukaku arched an eyebrow. **"Power band?"**

"Hey, it sounds a lot better than referring to them as rings around the tattoo!"

"**Ah. Touché."**

"Dammit Shukaku, get your own lines!" he screamed before taking a calming breath. "You know what? For the sake of staying on track, I'll let that one slide. But that's MY line, you guys!"

Right, right. Whatever you say. Continuing on?" Shikamaru gestured into the air.

"Grr… when certain conditions are met, the bloodline, which I have aptly named _Shinigami goriyaku _(I think it roughly translates into _blessing of the death god._ If anybody is fluent in Japanese and knows the actual term, feel free to review and correct me!) Gains another power band, allowing another bloodline to be copied."

Shikamaru nodded. "Okay, I think I've got it. Correct me if I'm wrong. You can copy any bloodline there is, at any time, but you can only copy one per power band. Until the next one develops, you're stuck with whatever you copied."

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, that's right."

"I see. When you copy the bloodline, do you automatically get all the skills of the person you copied? Like, if you copied Uchiha Itachi when he has the Mantekyou, do you automatically have the Mantekyou?"

"No. the copying just gets it there at its base level. You still have to practice with it, like every other bloodline. And if you copy a bloodline like the Sharingan, where it goes up in levels, it automatically starts out at level one. I designed it that way out of kindness. It wouldn't be any fun if I was Kage skill with all the bloodlines in history while still in academy school. It would probably get unwanted attention, too."

Chouji raised his hand. "So, that'd be your add-on. You said something about Shinigami fiddling with it too."

Naruto acknowledged Chouji. "That's right. Shinigami added something as well. He made an add-on, that in order to copy the bloodline; you must get a bloodline holder's blood, complete an ingraining ritual, and go through an entire day completely without the use of chakra."

"**Eew. That blood thing sounds kinda emo." **Kuma wrinkled his nose.

"**But Shinigami did that for his own good! If he didn't do that, then he'd end up like Kakashi!"** Kyuubi reasoned.

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?" Kakashi yelled angrily.

"**I mean that I a good way! If he didn't do the ritual thing, he'd end up with the same handicap as you! The Sharingan eye from Obito isn't compatible with your blood, therefore it takes way more chakra to use and maintain than it should!"**

"Ah. I see your point. But if that's true…" he trailed off as he pondered some unreadable thought.

Naruto shrugged. "It's all the same to me. Now that you've all used up your questions, I've got some of my own. Kakashi, did you get ji-ji to assign Itachi to guard duty? You hadn't done it when I was listening…"

"Well, he SHOULD be assigned…" he dwindled off as Naruto slowly leveled his glare at him, killing intent radiating off in waves.

"**SHOULD?"** he ground out, molars grinding a canal in his teeth.

"Well, yeah, from the bits and pieces of psychology that I've learned! I mean, it does work! You heard the entire conversation, right?"

"This oughta be interesting…" Kyuubi muttered as the onlookers settled in to watch the fight.

"Yeah, I heard most of it. What about it?" Naruto folded his arms over his chest.

"Then you'll know what to reference when I say I used subliminal messages to make him think of it!"

Naruto blinked. "Subliminal messages?"

"Yeah! Pictures, words, or phrases that cause the user to think of a specific thing!" Kakashi waved his arms excitedly.

"And how, may I ask, did you do this?"

"Simple! I just used really specific wordings to get the desired effect! For instance, I called Gen a 'weasel'."

"That'd be Itachi's name." Kuma waved on from the side.

"Uh huh, yeah! And 'I'd have a thousand Sharingan eyes watching him'."

"That's not quite how you said it, but it's still a reference to his gift."

"Exactly! And the 'douche, he, uh!' thing…?"

"Kakashi, that was unnecessarily vulgar and graphic." Naruto reprimanded Kakashi.

"I know, I know, but it was all I could think of at the time! Anyways, say it out loud, all strung together, with no gaps between words." (I'll space it out, purely for legibility's sake)

Naruto sighed. "Fine. Douche he uh, douche he uh, douche he uh… Uchiha!" his eyes widened. "Kakashi, if this works, you are a genius!"

"I try." Kakashi said while mock bowing.

"Now, to interrogate the rest of you. Gaara, have you killed anybody yet, or shown signs of killing anybody?"

"No I have not." He said monotonously. If you knew what to look for, however, you would hear that he was offended by the suggestion.

"Good. If they don't think you're a 'monster', then Orochimaru may not try and do the Chuunin invasion. Shikamaru?"

"What? What? I'm awake!" Shikamaru exclaimed while looking around sleepily.

"I'm sure you were. Now, you are going to be working on a plan to fix what needs fixing?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess. I could make a rough outline of what we could do. I'll have it ready the next time we meet."

"Good. I want that outline ready for evaluation." Naruto ordered, reverting back to his commanding tone of voice. "Now, if we've all said our peace, I think we've been talking long enough. Our bodies will have been comatose this entire time, so I think we should head back before everybody freaks out that we're dead."

The group's eyes widened. "Crap! We gotta go!"

Wait!" Chouji spoke up. "You didn't tell us the third part!"

"Oh yeah. I'll tell you about it later. Let's meet up tomorrow night."

"Okay. See ya!" they called out before all leaving through their respective doors.

-----------------------

Naruto opened his eyes to a strange sight. There was Gen, sitting on a wooden box, selling a great deal of his expensive goods to an assembled crowd of adults. And he was talking like an auctioneer.

"Yes, yes ,two-fifty, two-fifty here people, this here coat for two-fifty ryo! Do I hear two fifty? Two-fifty! Three-hundred, do I hear three hundred, three hundred! Three-fifty? Three hundred once, three hundred twice, sold! To the man in the pink dress!" Naruto blinked and whirled his head around. Sure enough, there was a man in a pink dress stepping up to take his prize.

'Wow. That just scarred me for life.'

"**That was both completely unnecessary and true. That is the most hideous thing I have ever seen." **Kyuubi shuddered.

'I'm just going to forget, that I ever saw that.'

"**Me too."** And awkward silence fell for a moment or two, before Naruto perked up. 

'Wait, what were we talking about again?'

"**I dunno. I forgot." **Kyuubi fumed. **"Dammit, now I wish I knew what I forgot!"**

'I know, I'd give anything to know what we forgot!' he pondered it before shrugging. 'Meh. Couldn't have been that important.'

Gen brushed away imaginary dust from his hands and walked over to Naruto. "Ah! Sleeping beauty awakes!" he grinned, picking him up before taking a whiff. He wrinkled his nose. "And, just in time to crap. Perfect. Bouncing baby Buddha on a bicycle, that stinks! Now I wish I had a wife to do this for me!" he carried at arm's length a writhing Naruto inside for the unsavory job of diaper duty.

'NOOOOOOO!'

--------------

One dirty diaper and a forever scarred ego later, Naruto sat squirming in a high chair produced from god-knows-where in the orphanage.

Kyuubi snickered for the millionth time. **"Awkward…"**

'Shut up! I hate you all! And stop listening in!' the rest of the gang let out a startled 'meep!' before Naruto blocked them out.

**"now, if that was a busty young girl, then it would be a different story!" **Kyuubi continued, grinning lecherously.

Naruto groaned. 'Dammit! Now I've got two perverts teaching me and a pervert in my head! This is not happening!' he shrank to the fetal position and began to rock back and forth.

Kyuubi drew back as if slapped. **"Me? A pervert? How dare you say such a thing! That was uncalled for! I'll have you know that I'm only a… pervert when…" **he ground to a halt as he realized with growing horror what he said. **"Oh… oh god… this can't be… not now, not when I'm in here!"**

Naruto cocked his head and stared at the scene playing out in his head. 'Hey, guys, check this out. The fuzz-butt's having a breakdown.' His friends looked out through Naruto's 'eyes' while Kyuubi rattled on. 

"**It shouldn't. It couldn't. It mustn't! It wouldn't! Not now, not then, not ever again!"** the king of demons screamed before rushing over to Naruto and gripping his shoulders tightly. **"Naruto! You said that I could call a friend! How does it work?"**

'Umm, just think who you want to be the receiver of the call, and it'll go through to them. Why?'

"**Oh, god, this is not happening, this is not happening!" **Kyuubi rushed off to his cage, leaving a bewildered Naruto behind.

'Okayyyyyy… that was weird.' Any further thoughts were cut off as a jolt brought him back to his senses.

"Oh, god! Gen! Gen! The baby's dead! The baby's dead! Somebody do CPR! Heimlich! Mouth to mouth! Something!" screamed a hysterical teenager. He continued to shake Naruto like a rag doll, still latched into the high chair, causing more damage than cure. Suddenly, a hand flew out of nowhere and backhanded the teen across the face.

"**BACKHANDED!"** Kuma screamed randomly.

"Control yourself, Itachi. Not only is your behavior worsening the situation, it is unbefitting of an Uchiha. You must learn serenity and patience if you are to become the genius you rightfully are."

'Itachi?' Naruto's eyes widened as he got a closer look at him. Sure enough, it was Itachi, yet with a completely different look.

Itachi, for one, didn't have on either his signature Akatsuki cloak, (which, in itself was a good thing) or his Jounin outfit. What he did have on was a black shirt with the words "rebel without a cause" printed in white onto it (my fave shirt, lol), dark navy jeans, and short, man-ponytail-less hair swept up in a short fauxhawk. 

The more surprising thing, however, was that he was upset, which implied showing emotions, which implied having emotions at all. Naruto blinked. 'Damn. He changed a lot in the coming years.' As Itachi grumbled.

"Yeah, well, what if I don't want to be a genius? All the entire clan does is fawn over me, like some trophy or something. I'm still in the academy, for Kami's sake!"

"Watch your mouth!"

"But it's true! I've got to do academy work, clan work, and now you're sticking me with babysitting! I'm not a genin, I shouldn't be getting missions! You're all picking on me!"

The older man, who Naruto assumed was also an Uchiha, sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "Itachi, Itachi, Itachi. This is not picking on you. We are simply trying to mold you into the perfect ninja. You have the greatest potential the Uchiha clan has seen since its founder, yet you lack control. You overreact, have no patience, and want everything to happen right away. As a result, your skills suffer. Putting you in this position, where patience and control over your emotions is critical, will help you grow and expand in areas that are sorely lacking."

"Now," the man continued, "we had to fight the Hokage on even allowing you a mission at this age. He was asking for a genin or above, and we had to call in more than a few favors to get this for you. If you refuse to comply with this, I will make sure that you get no missions until you're as old as I am, understood?" he said forcefully.

"But father!" Itachi protested. 

"No buts! I will brook no argument on this matter." Uchiha Fugaku reprimanded. Suddenly, Gen burst in, panting heavily.

"I heard –pant- the baby –pant- was dead. –Wheeze- I know mouth to mouth resuscitation!" 

"GAH!" Naruto screamed at the thought, although it came out as crying.

Fugaku glanced at the baby in Itachi's hands. "Well, apparently he's not dead. Itachi was overreacting. Go back to your work, Gen-san."

"Oh. Well, then. Back to the auction!" he ran off. Fugaku sighed.

"That man is a disgrace to Konoha. I'm surprised he ever was a ninja." Itachi stomped his foot.

"Don't change the subject! I don't want this job, I shouldn't HAVE this job! I want to go back to the clan compound and–"

"No! You will do as I say, and that is final!" Fugaku turned on his heel and walked out the door.

"Grah!" Itachi growled in frustration. "Stupid father! Always telling me what to do! I hate him!" he then remembered that he was holding Naruto. He glared. "You. You're the cause of all this. You got me into this mess. Well? What do you have to say?"

Naruto decided to go the cute way. He let out a baby laugh before blowing a few spit bubbles. The corner of Itachi's mouth twitched. 

"Heh. You're kinda cute, in a baby-ish sort of way." Itachi appeared to think for a bit before realizing that Naruto was still strapped into the high chair. "Whoa! That can't feel good! Let's get you out of that thing…" he placed Naruto on the ground and reached out for Naruto's waist. As it brushed his stomach, a spark passed from body to body. Itachi recoiled, clutching his hand. "Ow! What did you-?"

"Hi! I'm Naruto! What's your name?"

Itachi's eyes bugged out. "Voices… in my head? I'm going crazyyyy!"

Naruto giggled baby-ishly. "Relax, Itachi, you're not crazy. It's me, Naruto!"

Itachi clutched his head. "Well, then. That takes care of one thing. Now, the only question is WHO THE HECK IS NARUTO!"

"I'm hurt, Itachi! You nearly break my neck over shaking me like a ragdoll, and you don't even remember me?"

Itachi froze. Slowly rotating his head, he turned his head until he was looking at Naruto. His eye twitched once.

Twice.

Thrice.

"There is a baby… talking… in my head." Naruto slowly started to think what he did was a bad idea. "That… is so… freakin'… COOL!"

Naruto blinked. "Wait, you're not freaked out that I'm psychic?"

"Of course not! This is so awesome! I'm talking to a psychic baby! Oh, wait'll I tell all my friends!"

"NO!" Naruto screamed. After Itachi clutched his ears in pain, Naruto lowered his 'voice'. No, Itachi. You can't tell anyone. Please. They'll think I'm a freak, and then I'll end up somewhere worse than a run-down orphanage."

"Oh. Well, in that case, you secret is safe with me, little buddy!" Itachi grabbed Naruto's head between his arms and proceeded to noogie him.

"Ow! Hey, that hurts, you know!"

Itachi grinned. "I know. That's why I'm doing it!"

Naruto half laughed, half scowled. "Cheeky bastard."

Itachi gasped. "Ooooh, you swore! I'm telling Gen!"

"No! DON'T!" but Itachi had already run off. 

Kuma scowled. **"Well, that could have gone better."**

-------------------------------------------------

Cut, print, and save! That's a take!

Dammit, I SO wanted to do the super long chapter out of the way to get the filler over and done with! But I've stalled you guys long enough! The show must go on!

RANT CORNER!

Britney spears. I honestly don't see why the world is so infatuated with her. And I don't give a shit if she's a good dancer, or if she sings well, or if she looks sexy in a catholic schoolgirl uniform! Fuck that! I think she's a horrible performer! And the fact that her face in the magazines and newspapers is like a bad penny! It ALWAYS turns back up!

When you look at the fact that the asshole paparazzis are hounding her night and day for every single screw-up she makes, and it's no wonder she's so fucked up! It won't surprise me if she just commits suicide one of these days! As for the reporters, I'd call it first-degree murder! I mean, seriously, she pretty much has not enough privacy to piss in the bathroom without it being photographed and made into a scandal! They're turning her life into a hellhole! And you, my friends, are accomplices to murder. Wanna know why? Because YOU are the ones who eat those stories up like cookies out of the oven. That's why the producers keep making stories about her, which cause all the 'scandals', and causes a suicide. Congratulations. You've just helped take someone's life.

Okay, next chapter will be the super long chapter, no matter what; so, don't count on this being updated anytime soon. It'll be at least three times longer than the normal chapters, though, so hopefully you won't want to axe-murder me. 

No omakes this time! Sorry!

Okay, I've taken a shitload of time to make this, and I feel so crappy about making you guys wait, so, I'm really really sorry! Please don't kill me! 

PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews are my life's blood! I die without them! Well, not really, but I really really need them in order to write! So please review! Even though I'm a scumbag who made you wait! Please?


	9. As The Years Roll By

Hiya

BAM! Look at that bacon sizzle! This is the OFFICIAL super-long chapter! Woo! I've decided to use it to get the show on the road and just get the damn filler over with! And with that, off we go!

Warning: immature people who can't take sexual innuendos or references should get laid and not read this chapter.

--

"Sooo… what the heck did you do to Itachi? I mean, you were talking in his head, and stuff…" Rock Lee questioned in the wake of Itachi running off.

"**Naruto, that was both extremely foolish and un-thought out. And now, your cover's about to be blown before it's even been made!" **Shukaku berated as Naruto stood defiantly.

"Yeah, well, I do what I want to do! And now he might not go massacring everybody again! Isn't that worth the risk?" Naruto argued back.

"Um, guys? I really want to know what you did to Itachi!" Lee waved his hand in front of there faces, to no avail.

"**Yes, he might not kill everybody, but now things may spiral out of control now! Instead of the Uchihas getting wiped out, the whole village may be destroyed by some unknown cause that didn't happen last time, because you screwed up the continuity of the timeline!"**

"Yeah, well, if we let things go the same way, then what's the point of coming back here anyways!?" Naruto yelled, getting steadily more agitated.

"GUYS!" 

"**WHAT!?**/what!?" they both screamed at Kiba.

"Dude, Lee was like, right in front of you, screaming, and you ignored him an' stuff! Your arguing was most heinous and annoying!" Kiba verbally punished the two, not realizing that he had started to sound like some random surfer dude.

Naruto quirked an eyebrow at his word choices, but complied. "Grr…Very well. I linked our minds together with the remaining part of the kekkai genkai. Is that sufficient explanation?" he growled, still simmering at Shukaku's anger.

Silence reigned, before Kakashi spoke up. "So… Itachi can access this mindscape? That could be… problematic." The group's eyes widened before rapidly agreeing with him.

"no." they sighed in relief. "Not yet." They tensed up again. "I can only link somebody's mind to my own right now. In order to connect him to the mindscape, we would need to both figure out that hunk-a-junk up there," he jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the control booth; "and complete a ritual so that you can also link to people's minds. He can only get in when he's linked to at least half of the connected people."

"What's with all the rituals and stuff for your thingymabob? They're so troublesome." Shikamaru questioned as a lit cigarette materialized in his hand. He took a long draw on it before continuing. "I'm fairly certain you didn't come up with them."

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, Shinigami made all the rituals and stuff. I think he has a ritual fetish or something. And cool trick, Shikamaru, you gotta teach me that." The phone on the control booth rang. "What the-?" Naruto ran up to it. "Who the hell is this and how do you have access to this phone?"

"**DAMN YOU, BRAT! SAYING I HAVE A RITUAL FETISH! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO COME DOWN THERE AND WHUP YO' ASS!" **the voice on the other end shouted loud enough for everybody in the vicinity to hear.

Naruto rubbed his ear in pain. "Shinigami-sama? How did you- never mind, you're a god. I shouldn't be surprised about this, really."

"**DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULDN'T BE! I SHOULD COME DOWN THERE AND OPEN UP A CAN O' WHUPASS ON YOU, NIGGA!"** everybody sweatdropped.

"Um, Shinigami-sama? Why are you talking all different and stuff? You sound like a yakuza or something…" Chouji asked when Naruto put it on speakerphone.

"**FO' SHO I BE TALKIN' LIKE A YAKUZA! THEY BE MASTERS O' LIFE AN' DEATH, Y'ALL NIGGAS! ALLZ YALLZ BE TRIPPIN' IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, BIZ-NATCHES!" **Naruto and company sniggered at his 'unique' dialect. **"WHAT YOU LAUGHING AT, HOES! I'MA COME DOWN THERE AN' SLAP YOU-" **at which point they decided they had had enough of his speech style and hung up. They all burst out laughing.

"Okay, now that we've had our comic relief, let's get down to business." The phone rang again. "Ignore that."

"Geez, Itachi's gone a long time. What's taking him? One would think that something as troublesome as a psychic baby would get some adrenaline going." Shikamaru answered, while taking a drag on the conjured cigarette.

"Well, I'm not complaining. Gets the Q and A session over with faster. Say Naruto. How did Shikamaru get that cigarette?" Kiba asked questioningly.

He shrugged. "I dunno. Guess it came with the mindscape. I guess since this is in our mind, and we use our minds to imagine, we can imagine things into existence. Or am I just completely off my rocker, Shika?" Shikamaru nodded. "Okay, so, I'm right."

"So, if we can imagine things into existence, and I imagine several hot, scantily clad females-" Kakashi asked before getting cut off.

"If you're going to engage in such unyouthful activities, get a soundproof room to go with it. Let the grown-ups talk in peace." They all sniggered at Rock Lee subtly calling Kakashi immature.

"I REGRET NOTHING!!" he screamed before charging off to a newly formed house.

"So, now that the pervert's out of the way, we can-" Naruto clutched his head. "Ow! Somebody poked my head! I think Itachi's back. I gotta go!"

"I'm going too!" Rock Lee declared before both were sucked back to their bodies.

--

"But I swear, he was talking in my head! It's true!" Itachi ranted as he poked the sleeping Naruto's head. "And it swore at me! You've got to believe me!"

"Itachi, if you just shut up, and let me get back to my work, I won't tell your father about this." Gen's eye twitched, clearly annoyed by Itachi's nonsensical rambling. "Who ever heard of psychic babies, anyway?"

"But it's true, I swear!" he protested as Gen tuned him out.

"Look, Itachi, Itachi was sort of funny when you told me, but now it's just sad. You need to learn when a practical joke has outlived both its practical ness and its joke."

"It's not a-" Itachi started but Gen had already started to walk away.

"He told you not to tell." Rock Lee said, stepping out of the shadows.

Itachi whirled around. "Who- you're the smart kid! What're you-?"

"Naruto told you not to tell anybody, yet mere seconds later, you run off to the one person who could compromise his situation." He continued, eyes shading his eyes as he took a step forward.

"Naruto!? You can talk to him too!?" Itachi stared wide- eyed at Rock Lee, who continued to advance menacingly.

"You should be punished." Lee whispered as he punched the wall inches from Itachi's face. It splintered before giving way, creating a small fist-sized hole in the wall.

"P-please don't kill me! I'll never do that again!" Itachi babbled.

All at once, a change came over him. His eyes flashed for a brief moment before rock Lee started shouting into the air. "Dammit, don't intimidate him, you stupid bear! Who died and gave you control over me!?" he whirled around to Itachi. "Sorry about that. I go a little funny in the head sometimes."

"Umm…" was all he could say. "You're… bipolar?"

Lee laughed. "You could say that."

"And you were talking to a… bear?"

Lee flinched, but quickly thought up a half-lie to make up lost ground. "Yeah, I have this annoying little voice in my head. It says it's a bear, but to call it onii-san. Personally, I think it'd be weird to call a bear onii-san, so I just call it what it is – a bear."

"You hear voices too!?" Itachi jumped for joy. "Psychic babies and kids with bear voices in their head! I haven't had this much fun since I tripped tou-san (father) into the koi (carp) pond out back!" he then frowned. "Speaking of psychic babies, you can talk to him too."

'Yeah, I can talk to him." Rock Lee then turned to Naruto frowning. "Huh? Why do you want me to – fine, I'll do It." before touching Naruto's stomach with one hand and Itachi's forehead with another. A shock passed though Itachi once again. "There. Naruto told me to do that, for some reason. Not sure what it was…" Itachi frowned before his eyes widened.

"Hey! That happened right before Naruto…! And if he can then can't I…!" he mumbled before kneading his head and scrunching his forehead up, so that it looked very much like he was constipated. He did this for a few seconds before he stopped and sighed. "Nope. Nothing."

"Nope, nothing what?" Lee questioned, resisting a quiet snicker at Itachi's 'constipated' look.

"He was hoping that if I couwd tawk to him, that he couwd tawk to me." They whirled around to Naruto, who had just spoken, not in their minds, but out loud.

Itachi gaped. "He talks! He talks! He talks! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Is this even possible!?"

Lee's already huge eyebrows jumped. "Daaaaamn, Naruto. That's fast. Is he helping you to talk? I gotta congratulate-"

"Shhh! Ix-nay on the uubi-kyay!" Naruto whispered as Itachi's eyes bugged out.

"You swore again! I'm going to-"

Immediately Rock Lee's eyes flashed a dangerous shade of brown.

Itachi immediately switched what he was saying. "-do absolutely nothing at all about at and let you do it at any time!" his eyes switched back, and Itachi sighed. He turned to Naruto as the azure beast of Konoha yelled at Kuma. "My brain already hurts from knowing you two. I don't think this is going to be boring anytime soon."

Naruto grinned a toothless grin. "Not on your wife." Itachi blushed slightly at his accented mess-up, but grinned as well.

--

_One year later_

--

Naruto grinned as he waddled after Itachi, who had promised that he would take him and rock lee on a walk-about of the park. Naruto grinned his partially-toothy smile at his surrogate brother as he reflected on the differences of the timelines of Itachi.

For one, he had done what Uchiha Fugaku had wanted him to do, which was mellow out a bit. Well, to a certain extent. He HAD calmed down enough to be able to think things out a bit, but stayed pretty much the same as when Naruto met him. Except for one crucial thing.

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_--_

_Rock Lee's eye's flashed a shade of brown before speaking in a booming voice. "Itachi."_

_Itachi recognized the voice. "AHHH!! Don't hurt me! I didn't do anything!"_

"_Would you like training?" Lee/Kuma rumbled. At this the six-year old stopped cowering and briefly poked his head out over his shielding arms._

"_Huh?" was his intelligent reply._

"_Hey, bear butt, stop with the scariness, it's not funny anymore." Lee muttered. "Oh fine, I'll stop with the freaking out Itachi thing. You gotta admit, it was pretty funny while it lasted, though." He said immediately after this. "Yeah, yeah, just get to the point; he's looking at me weird."_

_And indeed, Itachi WAS looking at him weird. "Ummmm… I'm not going to even question how weird it was for you to talk to yourself out loud. So, what's with the change of heart?"_

"_Kid, I'm bored. I've been bored the entire time this runt's been here. I'm bored out of my skull! I need to do something! And since I know ninja stuff, and you're going to a ninja academy, I figure that two plus two equals four!" 'Lee' guffawed at his extremely weak joke as Itachi comprehended what he was saying. A slow grin spread across his face._

_Flashback no jutsu, kai!_

_--_

After Kuma had taken to training him in the lesser shinobi arts, Itachi had soared to new heights at the academy, graduating even earlier than he had in the first timeline.

The Sandaime had also noticed Itachi's attachment to Naruto (Rock Lee compared him to a helicopter mom, for which Itachi smacked him upside the head and told him to shut up) and had continued his long-term mission as guard to Naruto.

Naruto was stopped from further introspectiveness by Itachi halting and Naruto walking into the back of his leg. Itachi turned around and placed him on his head. "Sorry about that, Naruto-kun. We're here!" and indeed they were.

Naruto giggled in childish glee as he waved his arms wildly at the teeter-totter. Itachi smiled as he put Naruto down and watched him and Rock Lee rush off to the teeter totter. A villager glared at Naruto before walking up to Itachi.

"Why are you with the demon brat?" the man asked in a cold tone. "Surely an Uchiha wouldn't go near him by choice!" Itachi turned around to face him, confused.

"Huh? What'd you say?"

"Why are you acting like the demon scum is your kin? Has he hypnotized you? Has he somehow brainwashed you? Tell me!" the slightly crazed man grabbed his shoulders and shook Itachi wildly. Itachi wriggled out of his grasp before running to Naruto.

"Hey, go away mister! Go away and stop bothering me! What did I do to you?"

"You side with a demon! You have been poisoned by its filth! You cannot be allowed to live!" with that, he rushed in with a wild look in his eyes, only to be stopped by two ANBU.

"Well, well. Look at what we have here. I think he needs a psychologist." The one with the bear mask said as he gripped the flailing man's shoulder harder.

"I think so too. And I know just the man for him to see. He's a pro at his work, his name's Ibiki…" the other with a dog mask laughed darkly as they led him away. Naruto giggled childishly.

"Good old Kakashi-san." He giggled happily before resuming his mad dash to the teeter-totter. Itachi just stared at him before walking over to his side.

"Umm, Naruto? Why did he call you a demon? You're not a demon… right?" Naruto flinched before thinking up a cop-out.

"Onii-san says not to tell you."

"**Real original, Naruto. Amateur Civilian fanfiction writers could come up with better."**Kuma uttered sarcastically in his mind.

"Hey, it'll shut him up about the fuzz butt, so I don't care about originality!" Naruto said as Itachi just stood there.

"Huh?"

"Onii-san says not to tell you yet." Itachi sighed.

"Yes, but whose onii-san?"

"He says I can't tell you yet."

Itachi growled in frustration. "Fine! Don't tell me! Then our time here is over!"

"Aww! Come on! We didn't get to play yet!" Rock Lee and Naruto whined in unison.

"Well, that's what you get for not telling me!" and so, Gen found three extremely irritable children walking home from the park that day.

--

"What are you doing!? Why did you all but tell Itachi that you have Kyuubi in you!?" Kakashi screamed. "This is all wrong! Naruto, you're changing things too early! If you change too much, then we won't have a guideline of what's going to happen!"

"You just said my counter-argument: guideline. The continuity is guideline than rule. I've never been one to follow guidelines, so why should I start now?"

"Because it's more important then ever that you do! If you don't-"

"**SHUT THE HELL UP, ALL OF YOU!!" **Kuma screamed. The group fell silent. **"Thank Kami; you were giving me a headache. That and you were making Kyuubi more neurotic than ever." **He jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the pitiful mess that was Kyuubi no Youko.

After he had run off screaming more than a year ago, he had started secluding himself away from everybody, completely ignoring all of the projects he had assigned himself. When they were able to force him out, they could see that he had gotten little to no sleep, had neglected any form of grooming, and smelled really bad.

"**what's taking him, he should have had the seal by now, father time said he'd have it in a year, oh yes, he has to have it, I need it…" **he mumbled to himself, unaware that they were hearing everything he said. **"I NEED THAT SEAL!" **he screamed.

"Kyuubi-san! What seal do you need?" Rock Lee said as he inched away.

"**Don't worry, don't panic! You have it all under control, just stay away from all females, and you'll be fine, avoid women like the plague…" **he paced back and forth.

"He's afraid of women? Why? Hmmm…" Kakashi pondered before grinning. "Kyuubi… you mean, THESE women?" and with that, he imagined the same two females from before. And with that, Kyuubi freaked!

"**AHHHHH!! NO!! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S MATING SEASON, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME!! AHHHHHHHHH!!" **he sprinted away at a freakish pace, chased by the two imagi-girls.

Shukaku blinked. **"Mating season? That's not supposed to happen to him in twenty eight…more… oh dear Kami." **He rushed to Naruto, eyes full of horror. **"Naruto! Believe me when I say this could be the most important question in your life! How old were you when you traveled back in time?"**

"Ummmm, twenty six? Why?" Shukaku stood there before looking at Kuma. Kuma stared, horrorstruck.

"**The time left… till mating season started…carried over. AHHHHHHH!!" **and the two remaining Bijuu ran screaming in circles. **"IT'S IN LESS THAN A YEAR!! IT'S HAPPENING IN LESS THAN A YEAR!! AHHHHHHH!!"**

"STOP IT!" Chouji multi-sized his hand and brought it down it front of the screaming demons. They both ran into it before falling on their asses. "Now, are you going to tell us what's going on?"

"**Kyuubi's mating season is in less than a year and he's sealed in you! He excretes a pheromone that causes all females in the vicinity to become sexually aroused around him! And since he's sealed inside you, it's going to make them drawn to you!"**

"YES, NARUTO! YOU ARE A BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT MAN!" Kakashi screamed as he jumped up on a rock. A stray sunbeam hit Naruto's features. "I'M SO PROUD TO CALL YOU MY STUDENT! YOU CAN GET AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU WANT IN THE SHEETS! SAVOR YOUR LONG LIFE, NARUTO! SAVOR IT FOR ME!!"

"WE ARE NOT WORTHY, WE ARE NOT WORTHY, WE ARE NOT WORTHY!!"

"NO! No kowtowing!" Naruto backfisted Kakashi in the face, sending him flying off the rock. The sunbeam disappeared.

"**He's right! Do you even realize how disastrous it would be if Naruto bred while under demonic influence? It could breed a hanyou, or worse!" **the kowtowers face-faulted before scooting rapidly away from him. **"And besides, he'd only be two! Not considering the morals of that, I don't think it's even possible for him to impregnate anybody at that age! And it doesn't stop until somebody's knocked up!" **they scooted even farther away.

"We are worthy, we are worthy, we are worthy…" they all mumbled.

Rock Lee, who was not part of the kowtowers, rushed to Naruto's side. "Naruto must not lose his youthfulness to a horde of pheromone-crazed females! How do you work this phone!?"

"I don't know, Naruto made it!" Kakashi yelled. "Imagine an operator into existence or something!"

And Naruto did that. "Hello, operator, how can I help you?" a woman's voice drifted out of the phone.

"Get me father time, pronto!"

"One moment, please." The sounds of somebody walking were heard before the woman spoke. "Here he is." Voices that were clearly not talking to them were heard.

"**Oh baby, give it to me! Give it to me hard!"**

Grunting noises were heard.** "Babida-babida-babidaaaa… shizam!"**

"**Oh, father time, that was even better than our last one!"**

"**AHHHHHH!! SOMEBODY'S ALREADY DOING IT! I DON'T WANT AN ORGY!!" **Kyuubi screamed from the background, STILL being chased.

The woman's voice spoke up. "I'm sorry, father time is unavailable now."

"No shit, Sherlock!" Naruto screamed as the group's hands went to cover their crotches. (I giggled as I wrote this whole section. I am so immature!) "I don't care if he's fucking his wife or his mom! I need to talk to him!"

"Please hold."

Scuffing noises were heard. **"Hold on, let me get some pants back on…"** more scuffing noises were heard. **"Who is this?"**

"Father Time! Thank Kami, it's me, Naruto!"

"**Naruto?" **he scowled on his end.** "Why did you call me? I was in the middle of something…"**

"Yeah, I could hear!" Father time blushed at being heard. "Anyways, you gotta help me! Furry's freaking out over here!"

"**AHHHHHH!! NOOOOO!! I DON'T WANT TO BE A FURRY!!"**

"**Damn. He's freaking out over the seal, right? Don't answer that, I already know."**

"Well then, why the hell haven't you done something about it already!?"

"**BECAUSE I HAVE NO WAY OF GETTING IT THERE!!"** father time screamed. **"It's been done for months now, but we have no chance in hell of getting it on him! Karma doesn't allow significant meddling with humans or nature, and Kyuubi IS a force of nature!"**

"**AHHHHHHH!! NOOOO!! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT AU NATURALE!!"**

"Well then, why'd you make it if you can't use it!?"

"**Because then I realized if you seal off the part of his mind from the future, you seal away the acceleration!! But your mindscape blocks us from even thinking about it!! Open it up or something, or you're getting gang-raped by a bunch of horny women!"**

"**AHHHHHH!! NO!! I DON'T WANT TO BE GANG RAPED!!"**

"YES, NARUTO!! YOU ARE A BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT MAN! I'M SO PROUD TO CALL YOU MY STUDENT! YOU CAN GANG-BANG A HORNY WOMAN WITH KAGE BUNSHIN! SAVOR YOUR LONG-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, ALL OF YOU!!" Naruto screamed, nerves at the breaking point. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!" everybody froze, including the imagi-women and Kyuubi. Taking a few meditative breaths and counting to ten, he started speaking into the phone again. "I'm sorry, father time, things over here are chaotic at best."

"**I can hear. Now, can we talk like civilized men and work this out?"**

"Yes, we can. Now, you say that you can't access Kyuubi to get the seal on him?"

"**No, it's his mind we can't access, but it's still basically the same thing. Your mindscape is to us what a house is to a vampire. We can't get in unless you invite us. And unfortunately, that same barrier is at work on Kyuubi, since he is intimately intertwined with your mind, which is protected by your mindscape. And let's not forget your other self, which further complicates things…"**

Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "Other self?"

"**Yes, your other self. You didn't honestly think that the you from the past's mind would just… disappear, did you?"**

"Well… yes. I did expect that." Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"**Well, it didn't. And your mind is constantly using a barrier to keep the two from merging, which is causing even more resistance. Until you get both barriers down, I can't do anything to help you."**

"Okay, then!" Naruto threw the phone into the holder and immediately started fiddling with the controls.

Within twenty minutes, he wiped his forehead and looked around. "Whew! Done! What we should do next… guys?"

The field was gone. In its place was a Konoha untouched by war.

"Wha…" the blonde gaped as Chouji walked around a building.

"Oh, hey Naruto! Like the renovations?"

"I… I… what happened?"

"We got bored waiting for you to finish, and we thought that just a plain field was too bland, so we imagined Konoha in its place!" Chouji grinned. "We even imagined some people, too!"

And indeed, there were people there. All the people who Naruto had seen die in the war, all the people who he had defended with his life, all of them were there. Naruto sank to his knees.

"Chouji… this… this is amazing…"

"I know, we didn't think it was possible, either! But here we are!" Chouji helped the blonde to his feet and slapped him on the back. "Now come on! I think there are some people that we didn't get quite right!"

"Chouji…" Naruto wiped his eyes, which were starting to tear up. "Chouji, I would love to, but I have to keep working. We can't have fuzzy destroying all this running away from Kakashi's pranks!" they both laughed.

"Okay. See ya!" Chouji walked off towards a ribs joint.

Naruto sighed. "This is quite a bittersweet moment."

"**I'll say." **Said father time. Naruto jumped ten feet in the air, before looking around.

"Holy hell! Father Time, don't do that!" the old man chuckled.

"**Sorry. You brought down the barrier, so now I can do this."**

"Well, don't do it again! Say, where are you?" the Rokudaime turned around 360 without seeing him.

"**I can't manifest directly yet, since the mind barrier is still blocking me out slightly. I can, however, speak to you without that phone now. You'll need to bring down both barriers before I can manifest and put the seal on him."**

"Well, then, how do I do that?"

"**Somewhere in your mind, there should be a door that repels you from it, or a force field that you can't penetrate. Find it, and I'll do the rest." **Naruto nodded before fading out of existence.

--

"I think I found it!" he yelled to time's voice. "It's this big door in furrys' cage! Is it the right one?"

"**Yes, that looks about right. Now, stand back. This ain't going to be pretty!" **with those words, a glowing ball of energy shot out of the air at the door. The door groaned before bouncing the ball at Naruto.

"Whoa!" Naruto brought up an imagined shield and bounced it back at the door.

"**Yes, yes, good idea! Keep bouncing them back at the barrier! I'm sending out more!" **a second energy ball appeared and shot at the door. It buckled further at the barrage and bounced them away. **"Keep them from hitting anything, or it'll be for naught!"**

"I'm trying!" Naruto growled as he imagined a floating shield to block a third ball of energy that strayed from his path.

"**This should be the last!" **a fourth ball shot at the door. With one final, groaning shudder, the barrier collapsed. The room lost all sound as the bouncing balls evaporated. Naruto waved a hand and dispelled all the shields before walking into the cavern.

"What the…" Naruto gaped. There, lying in front of him, was a baby Naruto. As soon he said this, mini-Naruto started bawling its eyes out. Naruto screamed before falling to the ground, clutching his head. "Arrrgh! What the hell is this!?"

"**Touch the child! Only then will it stop!"**

Naruto took a tentative step forward, only to buckle as the pain doubled. "Sweet Kami, make it stop!!"

"**Keep going! Don't stop!" **

Naruto gritted his teeth and started walking, screaming in time with the child with every step. A few steps away, he screamed before clutching his head harder than ever.

"DEAR GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!"

"**Don't stop, whatever you do!" **Naruto felt an ethereal hand brush his cheek, relieving some of the pain. With a final cry, Naruto lunged forward and punched the baby in the face.

It stopped crying, latched onto his fist, and giggled, before melting into his body. Naruto sank to the ground, shaking.

"Why… why did it not stop crying?"

"Because separate minds are never supposed to fuse." Father time stepped out of the shadows. "It resisted with all its power to keep you from getting to it. Once you touched it, however, it recognized you as itself and merged."

"Father Time!" Naruto rushed at him and hugged him, then punched him in the face. "Why didn't warn me that it would hurt like a bitch!?"

"Would that have stopped you from doing it?" he answered with a question of his own before he stood up, rubbing his cheek. "Though I suppose I deserved that."

"Damn right you did. Now, let's go find furry."

The father of Kami chuckled. "You realize that that nickname has connotations he wants no part of?"

"Yeah. That's why I call him that!" they both laughed before fading into the darkness.

--

"**Father Time! Welcome!" **Kuma bowed to him before gesturing at the twitching Kyuubi. **"I assume you came for him?"**

"You know I came for him, Kuma. Cut the act." He grinned.

"**Well, it never hurts to be polite!" **Kuma grinned as well before grabbing him in a bear hug. **"How are you, you old coot? Listen, sorry about not heading to that party that one time, I got hung up with some brat." **He turned and grinned cheekily at Rock Lee.

"Hey!"

"It's no trouble at all, old friend. Rather, it's a good thing you didn't show up. The former seven tails showed up. You two would have destroyed the place with your fighting."

"**I hate that damn badger." **He growled at the memory before remembering what their guest came to do. **"Say, shouldn't you get to work on Kyuu?"**

"Yes, I should." He bowed before walking at Kyuubi. The fox demon saw him and ran at him.

"**Oh, Kami! Father time! Father time! You gotta help me! There're these ladies, and they're chasing me around, and they won't leave me alone, and-" **the old man sighed before flicking the nine-tailed fox in the head. He dropped like a stone. He pressed his pointer and middle fingers to the fallen demon's forehead. Immediately, a yin-yang symbol materialized there. Father time sighed before standing up.

"It is done. The acceleration has been sealed away. I must warn you, though. I have sealed away the mind from the future with the acceleration, which was the source of his kindness and willingness to help. Now that that is gone, you may not find him so agreeable." He then turned to Naruto. "Naruto."

"Hmm?" Naruto started slightly before turning to him. "Yes?"

"I expect that many of the gods will find it very pleasurable to stay here, as this is about the closest they could get to living on earth. As you know, karma blocks them from going to live on the land. Because of your alterations," he gestured at the buildings and houses. "And the barrier down, they will stay here as a second-best."

"Soooo… we're going to get a lot of godly visitors here?" said Kakashi, writing in a little notepad for unknown reasons. Father time nodded.

"That is what I'm saying. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I am needed elsewhere." And with that, he disappeared.

"**Pitiful. A mighty god of his caliber, reduced to making merry with humans." **The group whirled around to look at Kyuubi, who was scowling at them. Shukaku held his arms wide, going in for a hug.

"**Kyuubi! Welcome back! How does it feel to be free of the pre-mating season powers?" **Kyuubi responded with a slap to his open arms.

"**Do not touch me, underling! You do not have that right!" **and with that, he stalked away.

Shukaku drew back, insulted. **"Well, fine! Snap at someone trying to be nice to you!" **he then stomped off. **"I'd forgotten how much of an ass he was."**

"Yes, he does have that problem. A pity, though. If he was only friendlier, all his knowledge could be shared."

"**Yeah, well, who asked you, Thoth!?" **Shukaku snapped before realizing what he said. **"Thoth!?"**

"Who's Thoth?" Naruto turned to who was talking and jumped out of his skin. "WHAA!! HOLY HELL!!"

There, standing in front of him, was a man with a bird's head.

"Yes, it is I, Thoth. And I have come to take up permanent residence in this most curious abode."

"What the hell are you!?" Kiba screamed.

Kuma slapped him upside the head. **"Bite your tongue, boy! That is Thoth, Egyptian god of wisdom!"**

"Yes, that is correct. Though I doubt that these men have heard of the Egyptians. As there are none in this universe, I can presume they know very little about us. Thus, I take no offense at his outburst." His beak clacking together as he spoke.

Kuma sighed. **"You're right. As usual." **He turned to them. **There are many different universes, and countless religions in each universe. Now, in some of them, they worship the same religion, and because of that overlap, the gods they worship come to life. This only works for major religions, as minor religions are scattered everywhere, and rarely show up in more than one place.**

"**Now, the exception to the rule is Gaia, but I'll get to her in a second. The different religious gods were always fighting in the heavens, trying to get their own more power. Because of their fighting, many universes were destroyed in the mayhem of the uncontrolled powers.**

"**Gaia, the first god born of chaos and queen of everything, decided to put an end to the carnage, and sealed each religion into equal sections of the heavens, and used deep magic to prevent any one gaining more then others. **

"**This happened a long time ago, and everyone has forgiven each other and promised to play nice, but the borders still remain. These borders eventually spread into the universes, and now each universe generally has only one religion, as the others are blocked."**

"Quite a long explanation for a little thing like that. troublesome." Shikamaru muttered under his breath.

"Ah, but it is a necessary one. And now, I offer my services." Thoth bowed.

"Services? In what?"

"Why, as the librarian, of course! Surely none of you have actually gone to the library in your previous life?" they shifted around, kicking small rocks in embarrassment. "Therefore, you do not know how the librarian acts, or even who they are. I come to take that place."

"Why would a god offer such a position? There is an ulterior motive." Gaara said. It was a statement, not a question.

"Why, no motive at all! I merely wish to extend the reach of knowledge to more beings! I shall even start moving sections of the library of the gods here! The gods have read them so many times; I feel no joy working for them anymore. Would you deny me home now?"

"No, we wouldn't!" Naruto took Thoth's clawed hand and shook it. "Welcome aboard, Thoth!"

--

_One year later…_

_--_

Naruto laughed as he slugged another drink down. "Bartender! Bring me another drink!"

Rock Lee sat in the corner of the crowded and smoky bar, sipping his juice, quietly pondering how they got there.

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_--_

_Naruto and company sat around a round table in the Hokage tower, discussing what to do next._

"_Now, Thoth, you say you have and information gathering idea?" he turned to the bird god._

"_Yes, I do. You see, there is a… well, perhaps it is best to show you. Naruto, how does the Henge technique work?"_

"_Uh, it creates an illusion around you to make you look like someone else. Why?"_

_Thoth nodded. "What are the flaws of the Henge technique?"_

"_You have to transform into someone with the same build as you, because it's an illusion. If anybody touches you, and you have the wrong build, it will affect what they feel. If you turn into a tall person and you're short, if somebody punches the illusionary head, it will pass through and they'll know it's an illusion. If you are a fat person and you Henge as a thin person, they'll hit your real body before the illusionary body, causing your discovery."_

_Thoth clapped. "Very good, very good! That was very descriptive. Now, as a god, I know many things, and I know of many techniques. And as such, I know of a, by human standards, s-ranked variant developed by demonkind. It takes far more chakra, but the benefits are far greater. Shukaku, would you please demonstrate?"_

"_**certainly."**__ With that, he went through three seals and poured an ungodly amount of chakra into the technique. __**"Henge!" **__a poof of smoke, and Shukaku had turned into a short, fat man. __**"Now, touch the body, and tell me what you feel different." **_

_Naruto quirked an eyebrow, and patted the man's stomach. He leaped back as if stung. "Holy shit! It's real!"_

"_Yes, it is. You could go anywhere, without them knowing anything about your true identity. The fox demons created it, and their vixens are quite fond of using it to play tricks on men."_

"_Cool! I must learn this most youthful technique!" __Rock Lee shouted, before slapping a hand across his mouth. __"I did not just say that!"_

"_Oh, yes you did!" __Kiba grinned._

"_Lee's going youthful, Lee's going youthful, Lee's going youthful!" __Chouji sang. _

"_Shut up! Damn you all!" __Lee shouted._

"_Now, now. Let's stop teasing Lee. I want to learn that technique!" Naruto admonished._

"_Very well then. I shall ask Kyuubi to teach-"_

"_No."_

"_No?"_

"_No. I'm not having Kyuubi teach me. He's being even more of an ass than before the time jump. I refuse to have yet another teacher teach me badly!"_

"_Very well then. Shukaku?"_

"_**With pleasure!"**_

_--_

_Flashback no jutsu, kai!_

_--_

After learning the variant, Naruto had transformed into his sixteen-year old self minus the whiskers, created a Kage Bunshin in his place, and had immediately gone out for a drink. Shukaku had immediately taught Lee how to use it with demon chakra to go after him.

"You sure can hold your sake! What is that, your eighth?" the bartender slid another drink at him. "I hope you can pay for all this!"

"Oh, sure! I can pay!" he answered while forming the seal for Kage Bunshin. One hundred and one clones formed behind the stand, before transforming into a wallet and one hundred ten ryo bills. He gestured to Lee. "Say, Lee…on! Leon! I think I forgot my wallet around back! Could you go get it?" Lee quirked an eyebrow at his new name before walking out, coming back with a bulging wallet.

Naruto turned to the bartender. "So, what's news?"

He started washing a tankard. "I don't know, I seem to have forgotten. Perhaps something can jog my memory…" Naruto rolled his eyes before slapping a ten ryo bill on the counter. He swiped it up greedily. "Now, what you want to know, stranger?"

"Everything. Tell me everything that you know."

"Well, there's this Uchiha kid, name's Itachi. Good kid. He's supposedly a genius from a genius clan. Now, he's got this long term mission since his academy days, to protect that one Uzumaki kid." Naruto stiffened. "You know about him, right? The Yondaime, Kami rest his good soul, sealed a demon that was attacking way back when into the kid. Now, I got nothing against him, I knew his mother. Good woman. Never knew who the father was." Naruto relaxed and chalked the bar up as a good place for information. "Anyway, back on track. People don't like the kid, see? Thinks he's the demon in human form. Ergo, anyone who shelters him is gonna get the same treatment, see? I've heard talk from drunken mouths that the villagers are pooling money to hire a missing-nin to off the kid and the Uchiha. Apparently they got enough money and he's coming today. Now, I've told the Hokage and the military police when I heard this, but they don't believe me, see? Say they've got enough guards on him to keep him safe. Well, I say that there's always a way to get past guards, see? Just drug their food and it's lights out. But that's just my opinion. Hey, you okay?" he asked Naruto, who had gone deathly silent halfway though.

"Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry." He shook his head. "I'm just a little out of it."

The bartender grinned. "Sake going to your head, huh? That's okay, it happens to the best of us. Hey, I'll tell you what. I like you, kid. You got a good head on your shoulders. I know, I can tell. You learn how to judge people, being a bartender. You ever need the money, just talk to the manager about getting' a job here. Tell 'em gato recommended you. You'll get the job quick-like."

Naruto smiled weakly at him. "I'll do that. Thank you."

No problem. And, you seem to like knowing things. You ear lots of things as a bartender. You should try it."

"Thank you." He stood up before walking out. Lee followed quickly.

"So, they're hiring a missing-nin to kill you. What are you going to do?"

"Well, first off, I'm going to do what I was planning. Drink enough booze that anybody gets stark raving drunk and talk to Kyuu. He absorbs any alcohol from my system, so he should be smashed right now." And with that, he shunshined into an empty hotel room and started meditating.

--

"**Hey, brat! You! Yeah, you! I see you 'hiccup' flipping me the bird! Get over here and 'hiccup' say that to my face!" **

Naruto stifled a snicker as Kyuubi pointed at the wall, yelling obscenities and death threats at it. "Kyuu, I'm over here."

"**Ah! There's my 'hiccup' bestest buddy! You're a 'hiccup' good kid!"**

"Hey, Kyuu! Promise me you'll do everything to harm my enemies when I want you to."

"**Sure, kid! I promise 'hiccup' to harm your nemenies when they want you!"**

"Eh, close enough." And with that out of the way, he exited the trance and walked away.

--

"So, you're saying that the villagers are sending an assassin at us?" Itachi shivered.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." Naruto spoke, running his tongue over his fully grown baby teeth. "Kami, I never thought I would ever appreciate having a full mouth of teeth this much."

"An assassin? You mean, the ones that kill people?" he shivered again. "I hate death… I don't want anybody to die…"

"Nobody does, Itachi." Rock Lee patted his shoulder. "Yet, it happens to everybody in time."

"No… I don't want anybody to get killed… not again…" he murmured.

"It's okay… just tell us what happened." Rock Lee sat Itachi down on a couch in the orphanage.

"I… I was four… the war was happening… there was a raid on Konoha… father told me to go to the shelter… I wanted to see where was going… there was a rock Nin… he was coming at me… father… he came up behind him… he… I don't want to see anyone die…" he broke down sobbing. Naruto and Rock Lee were silent.

"I hate death… that's why I wanted to be a ninja… to stop all the fighting… all the death…" the duo stood up and left the sobbing Itachi in the other room.

"Well. That's interesting. If he hates death, then why did he join Akatsuki?" Rock Lee stared back at Itachi.

"I don't know. There's something we're missing here. But for now, that's neither here nor there. Right now we need to prepare for the assassin." And with that, they Henge'd and walked off to the ninja tool store to prepare.

--

Soifon grinned as she watched the drugged guards fall like dominoes. It was too easy to slip sedatives in the guard's food. Now all she had to do was kill the brat, and she could collect the bounty. Slipping into the door, she gasped before bending back ninety degrees to dodge thrown kunai. She growled. "Alright, who's there?" her only answer was senbon needles flying out of the carpet she was standing on. Doing a backflip to dodge, she hissed as the thrown kunai swung back at her. "Ninja wire!" she let out a quiet gasp as one sliced her side. More senbon flew out of the darkness, bells attached to them. Soifon grinned before pulling out a kunai and blocking the senbon. "Not going to work on me!" the bell-senbon continued to fly out at her as she continued to block. She suddenly gasped in pain as she felt one pierce her leg. "What?" Soifon growled as she saw it was bell-less. "Very clever. It won't stop me, though!" she laughed cockily, blocking the bell-less senbon because of the glint from the light. She gasped again as she felt one pierce her bicep. This one was painted black, to stop light. "I grow tired of these games!" with a growl she lunged forward and caught the thrower by the neck. "Got you now!... what?" she blinked. It was her target to kill! The boy grinned.

"Surprise!" and with that, the boy poofed out of existence. And with that, a score of ANBU charged into the room, led by a boy with a dog mask.

"What did I tell you? You always trust bartenders about information! Take her to the Hokage!" four of them grabbed her and led her away.

"No! It can't end like this! I refuse to comply!" struggling feebly, she whipped her head around, only to freeze.

There was her target, on the rooftop, grinning the cat that caught the canary. He held up a sign, which caused her to scream and faint.

'My revenge is better than your crime.'

--

"Hokage-sama, I protest! You know as well as I do that he is not safe there! The assassin had him in her hands before we showed up! All deals we had are null and void!" Kakashi yelled at Sarutobi as the Hokage pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Yes, I agree that he is not safe. I must post more guards to protect him. Shisui, would you send for all the ANBU captains? I have a new assignment for-"

"No!" Kakashi slammed his fist down. "Even with the guards that you posted – which, I must add, were posted even with your promise of only posting Itachi – she took them down with drugged food! What makes you think that more will make any difference!?" Kakashi started walking out the door.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Sarutobi shouted after him.

"I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago. I'm taking Naruto out of that orphanage as my adopted son."

The blood drained from his face. "But you can't! You're gone too long on missions! What will happen to him?"

"Then I'll adopt another to watch after him when I'm gone. Surely you can't argue with that?" Kakashi glared at him with KI, daring him to question his righteous fury. Sarutobi opened his mouth to protest, then closed it and sighed.

"Very well. You may take him away. However, I will be watching him like a hawk, do you hear me? Like a hawk!"

Kakashi glared. "Isn't that what you said on the night of his birth? And look what happened now. Perhaps the hawk is blind." And with that, he walked away from a protesting Hokage.

--

"You're what!?" Naruto screamed.

"I'm adopting you and Rock Lee. Now grab your stuff, I'm getting you two out of here." Kakashi gestured to Naruto's bed.

"But you're not supposed to until I'm five! And you never said anything about Lee!"

"Well, you can't expect that I'd actually leave him here, now that I know about it! And the Hokage even approved it after I bullied him about it, so you're coming with me!" Naruto stood there, frozen, before a slow, wide smile spread on his face.

--

"Welcome, gentlemen, to my humble abode." And with those words, Kakashi swung opened his apartment door. Rock Lee and Naruto gaped. "It's a little messy, but, it's livable."

"Just barely!" Rock Lee gaped at a slice of cheese growing mold on his computer. Something squelched under his foot. "I don't even want to know what that was."

"Oh, come on! It's not that bad!" Kakashi argued before grabbing a mug. "Hey! I was wondering where this morning's coffee went!" and with that, he chugged the cold coffee. He spat it out immediately. "Bleh! There was something alive in there!"

"That's it, you're getting a makeover!" Naruto scowled and created twenty grown Kage Bunshins. "Get to work cleaning this place up!"

"Hai!" they chorused before charging headlong into the battle. Kakashi followed after their heels.

"Hey, don't break anything, this stuff is precious! Oh, don't touch that, that was a present from my mother! Hey, that's my mug!"

"Why? They're just cleaning up for the next people to live here. This is not enough room for three people. You need a new place to live, Kakashi." Kakashi froze.

"We're moving?"

"We're moving?" Rock Lee echoed to Naruto.

"Of course! After I raid the Hokage's stash for stuff to sell on the black market, we're moving out! And no buts about it!" Naruto added, seeing Kakashi opening his mouth. He snapped it closed. He sighed.

"But I just bought this apartment…"

"Well then, we'll save it for when we need it! We can't have things change too much! I had an apartment before, I'll have one again!" Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose much like an elderly Hokage.

"You're only here for less than five minutes and you're already running my life. Was this a mistake?"

"You bet your Icha Icha collection it was." Naruto grinned. Kakashi sighed.

"What do you need to do?"

--

One year later…

--

Naruto charged around their new house, chasing after Lee, both laughing up a storm. Kakashi came in wielding a broom. "No damaging the furniture, now! You still have to work off that lamp you broke!"

"Aww, come on! It's much more fun when you break stuff!" Naruto grinned before he and Lee rushed Kakashi's legs. Like David and the goliath, Kakashi tumbled to the ground.

"Hehehehe! That was fun!" Naruto grinned before going through hand seals. "Henge!" he transformed. "I'm going to the bar now!"

"It's cold outside! Wear your coat and hat!" Kakashi yelled after him, till held down by Lee.

"Yes, mother!" Naruto yelled back, causing a one-eyed man to sputter furiously.

Naruto stepped out of the house, located on the outskirts of Konoha, and shunshin'd into town. Walking along the streets, he smiled and waved to an elderly couple that he'd helped move out of their home under the Henge. They smiled and waved back. Smiling, he stepped into the bar. Gato noticed him and waved.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite customer! What'll you have?"

"Nice to see you too, gato. I'll have my usual." Gato smiled before pulling out a bottle of sake from behind the counter and sliding it at him. Naruto caught it, took a swig, and placed it back in one smooth motion. "You were prepared."

"Well, you come here every week! It's hard not to be prepared!" he laughed. "Now, I'll be right back, I gotta tend to my other customers." And he walked off to kick a drunkard out of the bar. Taking the time to look around the tavern, Naruto noticed who the majority of the bar-goers were and stiffened. Gato walked back. "Thanks for waiting, that man was becoming a pain in the ass. Now, what do you want to know?"

"Why are there a bunch of kumo Nin in the bar?" gato snorted.

"You mean you haven't heard? What, are you living under a rock? The Hokage negotiating peace talks with kumo! The diplomat is here right now talking with the Hokage!" Naruto went pale. "It's a great day! We're about to get an enemy to become an ally! Our forces are growing, Iwa won't dare attack us now… whoa, you okay?"

"I gotta go." And with that, he left.

--

"Emergency! Emergency! Emergency! Emergency war council meeting now!" Naruto screamed from the mindscape Hokage tower. Everybody there looked around before running off to the tower.

Kiba was the first to arrive. "What's going on?" 

"The kumo diplomat fiasco is about to happen! The diplomat is in town right now!"

Kiba swore. "Damn! The one where they tried to kidnap Hinata?"

"The very one. If we allow it to run the way it did before, we'll lose a good man, and cause two children to be forever scarred!"

By this time everyone had arrived, including Thoth, who had become a favorite member among the group. Naruto relayed the message to the rest. The reactions were more less the same as Kiba's.

"Well, now that we know about it, what do you suggest we do?" Thoth asked in his matter-of-fact voice of his.

"I say we kill him! He tried to hurt Hinata!" Kiba shouted.

"No! That would be the same as letting it run it's course! We can't allow that!" Chouji countered.

"I must agree with Chouji. It would be a diplomatic nightmare if we killed him. Even if we killed him in secret, they would send another, and that would cause even more problems." Gaara spoke.

"So, we agree that we can't kill him." Naruto summarized.

"But, but, he tried to hurt MY Hinata! You're going to let him get away with that!?" Kiba fumed.

"I never said we wouldn't stop him. I said we couldn't kill him. If we cause inexplicable proof that he instigated things, they wouldn't be able to do anything to counter." Naruto grinned. "Let me work my magic! This is MY forte!"

--

A shadow passed over the Hyuuga household. The diplomat grinned as he slipped in soundlessly into the Hyuuga heiress's room. He grinned as he slipped a rag over her mouth. She didn't move at all while doing this. He grinned even wider. This was too easy! The raikage would reward him handsomely for this! He tossed her over his shoulder and slipped out the door…

Only for him to be blinded by a floodlight. "AWOOOGA! AWOOOGA! DIVE, DIVE, DIVE! KIDNAPPER ON THE LOOSE! KUMO DIPLOMAT STEALING HYUUGA HEIRESS! RESTRAIN AT ALL COST! I REPEAT! KUMO DIPLOMAT STEALING HYUUGA HEIRESS! RESTRAIN AT ALL COST!" all at once, he was surrounded by ANBU and the hyuuga. One of the ANBU with a dog mask stepped forward and restrained the dumbfounded ninja.

"You, rat, help me hold him down. The rest of you, stop hiashi if he shows up. We have to keep him alive to interrogate him. Oh, and nice doll you're holding." He started and looked at what he was holding. There, in his arms, was a stuffed doll, with the words 'NICE TRY, JACKASS!' printed across it's face. He screamed and fainted.

"What's all this, what's all this! What disturbed my sleep!" the Hokage roared as he pushed his way through the crowd. Taking in the unconscious diplomat and the doll he was holding, he turned to dog. "What happened?"

"He tried to kidnap the Hyuuga princess. Somebody apparently knew about his plan and foiled it, though. We have no idea who, though…" Kakashi grinned behind his mask as he said this. "And now, for the piece de resistance. Naruto? If you will."

"I will!" Naruto grinned as he through a three-pronged kunai to the ground in front of the Hokage. The old man started, before noticing the shape of the kunai and the small piece of paper wrapped around it. With trembling hands, he picked up the kunai and unwrapped the message. He read it out loud with a shaky voice.

"My revenge was better than his crime. And what's this I hear about an assassin that went after my son? – Minato." His face paled. Hiashi, who had conferred with the ANBU about what had happened, noticed him.

"Hokage-sama? What is the matter? You look pale."

"Hiashi… I just got a message from a ghost." With that, he held up the kunai. Hiashi blanched before speaking in a whispery voice. "Minato?" the Hokage nodded.

He turned to everyone. "Please take the prisoner to interrogation. Everybody please leave." Everybody turned and left. Kakashi bowed before walking away, but was stopped.

"Kakashi, please stay here. This concerns you as well." Kakashi bowed and came back. Hiashi turned to Sarutobi, the question evident in his eyes. "Kakashi… how is Naruto?"

"Naruto? Naruto Uzumaki? The Jinchuuriki? What does he have to do with this?"

Hiashi… what I am about to tell you is an s-class secret, and is punishable with the death penalty." And with that, Sarutobi showed him the paper. After a few seconds, hiashi jerked his head up and looked at the Hokage with wide eyes.

"He had a SON!?" Sarutobi nodded. "Who!? Who is he!?"

"Naruto Uzumaki."

Silence.

"The… the Jinchuuriki… Kushina's child… is his…?"

"Yes. This is his adopted father." He motioned to Kakashi, who took off his ANBU mask and bowed.

"Hatake Kakashi, at your service."

"Hatake? The white fang's son?" hiashi was silent for a moment, before dropping to his knees. "Hatake Kakashi. I hereby pledge the strength of the Hyuuga to protecting Naruto Uzumaki from harm. I also pledge that we shall defend his honor from any who would demean him."

"Oh? Why the promise?"

"The son of the Hokage deserves more than he was given in life. Had you not been his adopted father, I would have adopted him into the Hyuuga clan posthaste. As it is, we will do everything to help him. And…" here hiashi blushed a tiny bit. "I once harbored feelings for his mother. I still do. I even took her out on a date once."

Kakashi smiled. "You do realize that you are trusting me with prime gossiping material?" here hiashi blanched. Kakashi chuckled. "But I thank you for your pledge. The Hyuuga clan will no doubt be blessed with many graces in the future."

"Oh?" here hiashi looked up.

"He is constantly saying… that he's taking the job of his jiji," here he jerked a thumb at Sarutobi, who had a small grin on his face. "When he gets older."

"So, Naruto…?"

"Wants to be the Rokudaime Hokage."

--

Kakashi walked over to the bushes, where Naruto was laying in a little ball, stock still. He chuckled.

"I know, it's a little hard to take in. you've got the entire support of one of the major clans of Konoha! It just means that things are turning out for the better."

"That's not what I'm shocked about." He said, still curled up in a ball.

"Really? Then what are you shocked about?" Kakashi asked, picking him up and holding him over his head.

"I could have been a Hyuuga. Twice."

--

Awwriiight! Gigidy-gigidy-goo! This is part one of the super long chapter! I split it up into multiple chapter because it would get too long! I think you guys will be pleased enough that you won't kill me for making you wait this long!

Author's notes:

1: I hate the setup and filler as much as you people do, so I'm trying to cut out a lot of what I wanted to put in this to get the ball rolling!

2: okay, I've been looking back on the other chapters, and I've noticed that the chapter that's just one big author's notes is just sitting there, gathering dust. I've got a bunch of random omakes swimming around in my head, so, I'm going to use the author's notes chapter as a dumping point for the omakes! Check back every once in a while for any updates.

3: OMAKE CORNER!!

Kakashi's torment

--

Kyuubi huffed and huffed, trying to outrun the imagi-women. **"Must… get… away…"**

"_I see girls. Everyday and everywhere, short skirts, long hair, love it when they walk near! Well, you're so fine, I'll make you mine-"_

"**AAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!"** he screamed.

"_I like big butts, that I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny! When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round big thing in your face, you get-"_

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"** He screamed again and ran even faster from the women, who were morphing to the images from the songs.

"_-Smack that, all on the floor, smack that, give me some more-"_

"**AAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!"** he screamed as his hand went to obey the song.

……………………

Kakashi grinned maniacally up on the cliff, boombox in his hand. "I am so evil."

--

And It's a double play!

--

Naruto's nightmare

--

Naruto writhed and twisted in his bed, living out a horrible nightmare.

_Nightmare no jutsu!_

…………………………

"_Naruto." A voice called. "Naruto. Naruto. __Hyuuga naruto, wake up!" naruto floated in the air, a mirror hovering in the air next to him. looking in it, he screamed. _

_He had black hair and pearl white eyes._

"_AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" _

"_Naruto." Hiashi appeared in place of the mirror. " in order to learn the Jyuuken, you must first learn… ballet dancing!" _

"_AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" he screamed, a pink tutu replacing his clothes. "this is not happening, this is not happening!"_

"_Naruto. You are to be married to your cousin, Hyuuga Hinata. You are the clan leader now." And with that, Hinata replaced hiashi._

"_h-h-hi, Naruto."_

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"_

"_you are marrying MY Hinata!? YOU DIE NOW!!" Kiba raced out of the darkness, looking and sounding very much like a demon. _

"_look, I have nothing to do with it!" he ran from demon-Kiba._

"_DIE!!" a claw wrapped around his neck._

_Nightmare no jutsu, kai!_

………………………………

"AHHHHH!!" he screamed, tearing out of the sheet wrapped around his neck. "it was just a dream. It was just a dream."

Rock Lee walked in. "you know, Naruto. I just can't get it out of my head. You could have been a Hyuuga.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Naruto ran out into the night screaming.

Lee blinked. "was it something I said?"

--

4: RANT CORNER!!

True love fics. These stories written by half-assed writers have disgraced the name of all fanfiction. Why is it that in these sick little peoples brains that the characters just HAVE to fall in love with whoever they're jacking off to at the moment!? Have they heard nothing of DATING AROUND!? It's what everybody does, that's how life works. Love at first sight probably only happens with around 1 in 100 couples. So why is it that they piss all over that beautiful moment by mainstreaming it so much that it becomes second nature to expect it!?

Damn all the people who expect that so-and-so and what's-his-face go on one date, and the next second, they're screwing like bunnies!? I mean, seriously, can you picture Hinata going up to Naruto and saying, 'hi, Naruto! Want to go on a date with me? Let's screw like bunnies!' and it actually agreeing to it? That's basically what they do in their sick little fantasies that they call fanfiction! I say we burn those authors at the stake!

Okay, I've gotten that off my chest… 'pulls creepy little squid off of chest'

Wow, ten thousand words! I'm impressed with myself! I think I should do this more often!

i did a hell of a lot of work on this chapter, so i had better see a jumpstart in the reviews!

A th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!


	10. clouds, memories and catty fangirls

Alright

Alright! This is not the second part, but I feel it's necessary to introduce a vital character. You'll see who later.

Disclaimer: why do I even bother? I could never own Naruto; too many people would mob my apartment for spoilers if I did. Troublesome…

--

Naruto yawned in exhaustion. He had stayed up far late than a three-year old was physically allowed to. And yet, it was completely worth it. He grinned. They had completely reversed the kidnapping! The Hokage had seen, the ANBU had seen, the entire Hyuuga clan had seen, hell, even some of the villagers saw! The raikage couldn't do squat for recompense against so many high-trust witnesses! And besides, they hadn't even killed him! He couldn't even think of asking for anything! They'd more than likely get something out of it, instead!

Itachi burst into his room, grinning like a loon. "Naruto!" he gripped him in a bear hug. "Naruto, you'll never believe it! I just got my Sharingan! Tou-san says that I'm the youngest Uchiha to have it manifest! Whatever that means…"

"Itachi! How did you get in?" Naruto grinned and hugged Itachi's leg. "I'm happy that you got the Sharingan! How did you get it?"

"Well…" his bright mood immediately disappeared. "I just got back from this one mission… there was a kiri missing-nin, and he had taken over a fire country village, and we were sent to take him out. It was supposed to be just a bandit, so, it was labeled as a c-rank mission, but then he sent his missing-nin buddies at us, and my sensei said that it was at least a b-rank, contrary to what the client told us." Naruto froze, shocked at the similarities between the Sharingan-inducing missions of Sasuke and Itachi. "We got to the village, and then there were a bunch of the missing Nin. One of them got to me, and… he was going to kill me…" here Itachi sounded scared. "He said… he said that he was going to enjoy watching me bleed… he took a stab at me with a kunai, and… he just suddenly slowed down. It was like he was moving in slow motion. I dodged, and then…" here he shuddered. "Sensei… he saw what he was doing, and… he came up behind him and… he…" he shuddered.

"It's okay… you don't have to talk about it, I'll understand…" Naruto comforted. Itachi shook his head furiously.

"No, it's okay… I have to get over this. That is what a good ninja does. My sensei came up behind him, and…" he shuddered. "He cut off his head with a kunai."

Naruto winced. "Ouch. That's a pretty gruesome death right there. And you were a kid. Ouch again."

"yeah." He perked up considerably. "But we got the missing Nin in the end! And the Hokage just paid us for an A-rank mission! Isn't that cool!"

"Yeah, it is!" agreed Naruto, grinning.

"And you know what? Last night, the kumo diplomat tried to kidnap one of the Hyuugas! He was running away, and he almost got to the border, and then the ghost of the Yondaime appeared, and he said, "Give me the girl." And then the diplomat's like, "no!" and then he beats the diplomat up, and he instantly teleported the Hokage there like it was nothing! It's true! One of the villagers told me!" Naruto scratched his head at how big it was getting blown out of proportions.

"Really?"

"Yeah! They say that if he wanted to, the Hokage could declare war on kumo for trying that! Father says that he hates the Hyuugas, but he has a grudging respect for them and he would do the same if it happened to the Uchihas!" he stopped. "Naruto, what does grudging mean?"

He grinned. "It means that he doesn't like them, but he respects their power, even if he doesn't like the people."

"oh." Itachi deadpanned. "Hey Naruto, you want to go play in the park?"

"Yeah!" Naruto jumped up and raced off, Itachi laughing and chasing his heels.

--

"And then the Yondaime waved his hand and the Hokage appeared before him, and he said, "The man is a traitor, and I have spared his life. Do as you will." And then, he disappears, see? No smoke or light tricks or anything, just, blink and he's gone!" gato said at a group of awestruck civilians at the bar.

"Hey gato!" Naruto waved at the bartender before sitting down on a stool and ordering 'his usual.'

"Hey there! I'll be right with ya!" he embellished the story just a little bit more before heading over to the blonde. "Hey, have you heard the news? The Yondaime's ghost has returned!"

"Yeah, I heard you talking about it over there. Stopped a Hyuuga getting kidnapped, did he?" Naruto questioned, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah! And let's keep this between you and me, since it may'n't go down with the others so well, but a pair of ANBU say that this isn't his first appearance either!"

"Oh?" Naruto leaned in, curiosity piqued.

"Yeah, they say that he appeared in an orphanage, too!" he said, wiping the insides of a glass mug. "Coincidentally, it's the one the Jinchuuriki kid was in before he got adopted by a ninja, can't remember his name right now. Imagine? One of the ninja actually had the balls of bronze to adopt him! I salute his bravery!" he did a mock salute into the air. "The villagers all hate him, now. Well, they didn't really like him anyways. His father, the white fang, you know him, right? Anyways, the white fang was his father, and we all know how that turned out!" he laughed sadly before shaking his head. "Right, back on track. The owner of the place, he was a bad man, see? Tax dodging, child abuse, black market dealings, the works. Now, he was in the middle of beating a child who was smart-mouthing him, see? I think that kid got adopted by the white fang's son, too. Anyway, he's about to start, when all of a sudden, this hand grabs his stick, and breaks it. He's about to scream at whoever it was, when lo and behold, there's the Yondaime! He's telling him to repent and to do all these things to repent, see? Like, get the kids good food, sell all his luxuries, put his heart and soul into finding them all a home, the works. Now he don't like that last bit, see? He says that nobody would take in the demon brat." Naruto bristled.

"Hey, I'm just repeating what he said! Now, the Yondaime says even the Jinchuuriki kid. The guy, he gets desperate, and he pulls out the 'he killed you' thing. Now, that gets the Yondaime mad, see? Gives him an ultimatum. Says, would he rather have him live and the entire village die or he die and the village be saved, or something along those lines. And then – here's the shocking part – he blesses him! A blessing! A blessing from a ghost is one thing, but a blessing from the Yondaime! Just imagine all the things he'll do with that!"

"What do you mean, 'the things he'll do with it!'?"

Gato gaped. "What do I- what do I mean- were you born under a rock!? Have you not heard all of the stories of people who were blessed by supernatural beings and went on to do extraordinary things!? By Kami, you are a cultural infidel!" gato palmed his face with his hand.

"Oh, heheh, those stories, right… I heard of them…" Naruto chuckled nervously, lying through his teeth. "Kakashi! What stories are there about people being blessed by ghosts and doing amazing things?"

"I dunno, I never heard of 'em. I've never been a story person."

"Damn!" he swore before turning back to gato. "Sorry."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Say, when are you going to take me up on that offer of a job? The deal still stands…" Naruto shrugged.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll take the job, maybe I won't. Who knows? What I do know is that I'm leaving. I want to ask the Hokage what he's going to do about the diplomat problem." With that, he paid his bill and walked out, leaving a silent gato.

--

"This is an outrage! The kumo village is on dangerous ground as it is, and they try to steal a Hyuuga! They should be destroyed by our hand!" Homura yelled over the loudly shouting voices at the council meeting. The third merely clasped his hands over his on ears to block out the sound and shouted.

"ENOUGH!!" the council went silent. "I will not declare war on another ninja village! Though they may not be allied with us, they aren't opposed to us like Iwa is! Now. I will send a messenger bird to kumo, demanding an explanation and compensation for the attempt. No doubt they would have done the same to us, had we killed the ambassador like _some _of you wanted!" he sent a pointed glare at his two former teammates, who had the decency to look ashamed. "If they do not give a satisfactory answer or refuse to pay us, then we shall…" he sighed. "Declare war on kumogakure no sato."

"Hokage-sama, ain't that a little rash? I mean, we're still recovering from the Kyuubi attack! Wouldn't a war so close after be… ill-thought out?" Inuzuka Tsume questioned.

"That is why I pray that they go along with the demands. If we declare war on kumo, the other villages may perceive a weakness in either of our villages and attack, and it would be the fourth great ninja war." The council shuddered at the thought. "Now, this emergency council is dismissed." With that, the council filed out of the room. After a minute of everybody being gone, Naruto faded back into existence.

"Compensation, huh? We'll see…" he shunshined away.

--

Naruto watched as the Hokage tied a scroll to a long-distance messenger bird and let it fly. The hawk soared away. Running after it, he jumped on a rooftop and grabbed it out of the air.

"Shhh! Shush, bird! I am not intercepting your message!" he tried to calm the furious winged predator. "I have something for you." With that, the bird remembered it's training and immediately became pacified. He took out a small circle with complex seals on it. 'Good thing I remember how Jiraiya made these.' "Take this." With that, he cleared a spot on it's breast and placed it there. With a small push of chakra, it adhered to the open skin and activated. "Now, fly." He tossed the bird up and watched it wing it's way to the sky.

"And now, we wait." He spoke into the air.

--

A week later…

--

Naruto ran around the house, chasing after Kakashi with a squirt gun. "Yahh! I'll get you this time!"

"No you won't! No you won't! No you won't!" he replied, sticking his tongue out childishly. He spoke too soon, as he soon got an eyeful of water from the toy. "Arrgh!" he fell to the ground comically, clutching his chest. You got me… in the heart… I'm dieing… tell my fangirls… I'm… not gay…" he said in a fake whispery voice. "bleh." He lolled out his tongue and went limp.

"You're not dead!" Naruto giggled and poked him in the side.

"Yes I am! And that hurt!" Kakashi responded from a different part of the room without moving his mouth. Naruto gaped.

"You're a ventriloquist!? Cool! You gotta teach me that! I wanna-" he froze.

"You wanna what?" said Kakashi, getting up and brushing himself off.

"The messenger bird I tagged is back. I gotta go!" and with that, he Henge'd into his older self and shunshined away.

--

"Hokage-sama! The messenger bird to kumo has returned!" his secretary burst into the room, waving a scroll in the air.

"Really! Call a council meeting, they will no doubt want to hear what is in it!" he ordered to the excitable man.

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" with that, he bowed and called for an ANBU.

Within minutes, the entire council of ninjas and civilians was assembled. Sarutobi took a quick head count, before noticing something odd. "You! You are not the Aburame clan head! Who are you?"

"Shibi sends his apologies to the council, but he regrets to inform you that he cannot be here today. His son is getting his first hive, and he must be there to attend. Things can get… difficult, with the first hive." In reality, it was Naruto had waylaid the representative and taken his form. The reason for Shibi being gone was true though. He had managed to extract that bit of knowledge before he knocked him out.

The ninja portion took it in stride while the civilian council shuddered at the thought. Sarutobi nodded. "Very well. We shall continue without him. I have called this meeting for an important reason. The messenger bird from kumo has returned with a scroll from the raikage." The council began muttering amongst itself. "Now, I have not yet read it yet, as I assumed you would wish to be here for it's opening." He broke the seal, rolled it open, and began reading. "To Sarutobi Sasuke, third Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, from hong cai, fourth raikage of kumogakure no sato.

"it is with great sadness and shame that I account for my subordinates actions. His attempt on the Hyuuga clan heir was out of our scope of power. He was acting on no order of kumo." The council muttered angrily as Naruto remained silent. "we are deeply shamed with what he attempted to do on what was a diplomatic mission for a non-aggression treaty. Therefore, we will comply with your demands for compensation for our ninja's actions. Rest assured that when he returns, we will be punished to the full extent.

"the compensation for his actions is being brought to you by our elite ninjas. It should arrive slightly after this messenger bird. May it serve to cement the treaty that our ambassador was sent to do. May your clouds always be peaceful." He snapped the scroll shut. All at once the council began talking.

"are they going to hold to the treaty?" "what is the compensation?" "what are they going to do about the ambassador?" Naruto sighed and turned to Kyuubi.

"hey, fuzzy! What do you think of all this mess?"

"**why should I care about you human matters? You deal with it." **Suddenly, Kyuubi stiffened before pacing in his cage. **"someone is arriving in this territory that does not belong here. Two grown men, and a girl… there is something familiar about the girl. I feel something familiar about her essence… the essence frightens me, somehow…" **Naruto nodded, and spoke up.

"my kikai sense someone arriving in the village." And with that, conversation stopped. "they say it is two men, and a girl. They say there is something about the girl that frightens them. They do not get close to her." The council stiffened before turning to the third, who had gone white as a sheet.

"Shibi said the same thing about Naruto… can it be that they…?" he turned to the ANBU. "escort the three up here. I wish to see what they have brought us." They nodded before disappearing in a swirl of leaves. Shikaku spoke up.

"something troubles you about what the Aburame said." It wasn't a question. The Hokage turned to the group.

"yes, it does. Shibi used to say that his kikai were frightened of Naruto, that his essence scared them ad would not go near him. we all know why." Naruto's eye's shot open as everybody muttered amongst themselves.

One of the civilians spoke up. "but what does the de… boy have to do with this?"

"the kikai are scared of this newcomer too. Use your imagination." They went silent. "yes. I think that the raikage has sent us yet another Jinchuuriki."

The council exploded into sound as many called for it to be sent back. Naruto frantically called the Kyuubi. "fuzzy! Are you hearing this!?"

"**yes, I heard fleshbag. And now that the old fleshbag has said this, I know it to be true. Now I need to know what Bijuu it is." **The Kyuubi was silent before speaking up, voice trembling. **"oh no. OH, no. oh, no no no no no no! ****No! It can't be! Not her! Anybody but her! Please, anybody but her!"**

"anybody but who??" Naruto questioned before a door opened, drawing him back to his senses.

"ah, the guests are here. Please, come in." Sarutobi spoke cordially, waving towards open seats. The kumo-nin declined.

"we are just here to deliver the girl. We will be leaving now." With that, a crack of thunder was heard and they disappeared in lightning. A nine-year old girl stepped up from where they used to be and stood shyly in front of the assembly.

Sarutobi smiled. "hello, little girl. What's your name?" the girl squeaked and hid behind a potted plant. Sarutobi chuckled. "oh, come now. Surely you can tell your name to an old man? Please? What is your name?"

"…Yugito…" she mumbled. "you're not going to hurt me, are you?" she looked up, frightened. Sarutobi stood up from his chair and squatted down in front f the potted plant she was hiding behind. He held out his arms for a hug. She slowly walked out and shyly embraced the Hokage.

"we wouldn't dream of hurting such a sweet little girl like you! Isn't that right?" he looked over the now snuggling girl and glared at the council, daring them do say otherwise. They quickly agreed to his sentiments. "who would hurt such a nice little girl like you?"

She snuggled into his robes. "all the mean people back home! They'd throw things at me and call me names! Nee-Chan says that they are shallow and mindless, and they are evil!" she snuggled further in.

"who is your sister? She sounds very nice." Naruto asked, already having a hunch.

"she is really nice to me! She calls me kitten all the time and helps me a lot with my ninja training! I want to go to the academy, you know! Nee-Chan says that I have to rise above the people and ignore them, and become powerful! Then she says that they'll be sorry they were ever mean to me!" she snuggled into his robes even further. "you're really warm, you know that?"

"you're sister calls you kitten? Can I talk to her?" Naruto asked as the council looked strangely at the social butterfly of an Aburame. (pardon the pun.)

"nee-Chan says that she doesn't want to talk to anybody right now." She stopped talking as several emotions flitted across her face. She pointed at Naruto. "nee-Chan says you smell funny. Like there's… something inside you?"

"yep, definitely a Jinchuuriki. She can sense you, fuzzy." He spoke as the council passed it off as him being an Aburame. The third extracted the girl from his robes and had two ANBU lead her out of the room.

He turned to the council. "well, there's no doubt about it. The girl we got out of the trade is a Jinchuuriki. The question is, which one is she?"

"she smells sorta like a cat." Tsume growled, hackles raised. "I don't like cats."

"a cat, you say?" Sarutobi stroked his goatee before speaking. "I think that the girl is the Jinchuuriki of the Nibi no Nekomata. Now, I am going to accept this offer. This is not up for debate." The civilians started shouting. "quiet! If we refuse her, it will cause a political nightmare, and they will be able to take something of ours for spiting their gift! And besides, you have dealt with one for three years. What more damage will two do?" this quieted them down somewhat, while the more bigoted ones continued to grumble.

"this council is adjourned." And with that, he stood up and left. The council members talked a little longer before leaving as well. Naruto stood up, walked out and crouched down in front of Yugito.

"hello. Nee-Chan says you smell like a fox. She says…" she then clutched her head before starting again. "Nee-Chan says she wants your babies… Kyuu-kun?"

**NOOOO!! IT'S HER!! IT'S REALLY HER!! NOOOOOOOO!!" **Kyuubi screamed before fainting. Naruto grinned.

"Kyuu says he loves Nibi-Chan too." Yugito clutched her head again.

"nee-Chan is getting really loud." Naruto thought for a moment before touching her forehead. Yugito squeaked and jumped a bit. "owee! That hurt! Why'd you shock me?"

"so that I can do this." Naruto spoke into her mind. Yugito's eyes widened.

"wow! Now you're just like nee-Chan! Cool!" he grinned before taking her by the hand, dropping the Henge as an Aburame back to his regular grown-up form. "hey, you look different now!"

"it's just a little thing I learned. If you want, I can teach you too! But first, I want to introduce you to some friends…"

--

"you're going to do WHAT to her!?" Kakashi asked incredulously as he stared at Naruto, Yugito on his shoulders in a piggy-back ride.

"I want to induct her into our little group."

"we don't even know her! Give me one good reason why we should let her join!" Yugito looked back and forth between the two arguing adults, confused.

"she's exactly like me. She's just like Gaara. She's just like Lee. Get what I'm getting at?" Kakashi gaped.

"you mean… she's a…?"

"yep!" Naruto grinned. "now, I think I just gave you three good reasons why she should join. Whaddaya say?" Kakashi sighed.

"okay." He grabbed Naruto's shoulder and poked Yugito in the forehead. She yelped again.

"owee! that hurt! Naruto-nii, what's going on?"

Naruto grinned at his new nickname. "Just wait, Yugi-Chan. We gotta do that two more times before you get to join our little club." Yugito perked up at this.

"I've never been in a club before! What's yours about?"

Naruto grinned. "you'll see. But I will say, it's the most awesomest club ever!"

She giggled. "Yay!"

--

Rock Lee sighed. "fine." He grabbed the crouching Naruto's shoulder and poked Yugito's forehead.

"owee! That hurt again! Naruto-nii, when is this going to stop?"

"Just one more time, Yugi-Chan." With that, he flowed into the mindscape and called to the others. "Chouji! Shika! Kiba! Either of you three at the park right now?"

"I'm going there right now with my dad. Why?" Chouji asked.

"Sweet! Just wait there! I've found the newest member of our little band…" and he flowed back into his body. "Come on, Yugi-Chan! We're going to the park!"

She giggled. "Yay!"

--

"she's… like you?" Chouji stared at the little girl, dumbstruck. Yugito looked down at the three-year old curiously.

"you're short." She stated. Chouji snorted at this.

"hehe. Fine." He grabbed Naruto's elbow and jumped up and poked Yugito's forehead.

"owee! That hurt! Is that all, Naruto-nii?"

"yep, that's it!" Naruto grinned. "now, talk to your nee-Chan. I think she might have found something interesting…" he grinned at her. She nodded before going into a trance. "Chouji. Let's go to the mindscape. I think she's going to go a little crazy once she gets there…" and with that, Naruto passed his mind into the imagi-Konoha.

--

Naruto materialized in Konoha. He looked around. He spotted an eighth consciousness door. He stared at it for a little bit before Yugito took a tentative step in. her eyes widened.

"what is this…?" she gasped as a fourth door appeared in the air. The door creaked open as a foot stepped out into the air.

Black leather. Everything she was wearing was black leather. Her leather skirt, her leather jacket, her leather shirt which was cut low enough to make it seem like her ample assets were going to pop out of her top, the whole works. She made black leather look _fine. _'then again, that's sort of the image of a woman who controls death. Leather is king!' Naruto pondered, thinking of how Jiraiya would react to the sight and grinning.

Nibi looked around curiously in the air. "well! This is certainly interesting. Where is this? Where did Naruto-san take us?" she then spotted Yugito, who was staring at Nibi. "kitten! Oh my god, it is so good to see you!" she ran over to Yugito and hugged her. "you are turning into one pretty young lady!"

"nee-Chan…? You're nee-Chan?" she stared at Nibi before giggling. "you look funny."

Nibi scoffed before smiling. "well, I guess I deserve that, since you've only talked to me." She then saw Naruto standing back a ways. "well! Here's the gentleman that brought us here! Interesting place you got! By the way, where are we?"

"in a mindscape given to me by the gods." Nibi quirked an eyebrow.

"the gods? Sure, pull the other one. The gods don't do squat for regular people. Maybe for those who really deserve it, or those who pray a lot, but you don't look like either. So seriously, where is this?"

"I am being serious. This was granted to me by Shinigami on the day of my birth. If you don't believe it, Thoth's our librarian." Nibi looked shocked.

"well! I'm surprised you even know about Thoth! But it's irrelevant. The gods wouldn't have anything to do with you." Naruto sighed.

"father time? She's not believing me."

"yes, I can see that. you always were a bit adamant in your beliefs, Nibi." Father time said as he stepped out of the shadows. Nibi gaped.

"time? Is that really you?" she looked back and forth between time and Naruto. "but- but- then- you-"

Yes. Shinigami did grant him this mindscape. He did it so they could train to stop the end of the world." Nibi flopped down on the ground.

"well! This is… interesting." She kneaded her forehead. "what did I miss when I got sealed?"

"you missed us traveling back in time from an apocalyptic future." Naruto deadpanned. Nibi froze.

"you… traveled back… in time?"

"yep!" Naruto grinned.

"But… that takes an insane amount of chakra! The only ones to have done it before were us, the Bijuu!" she protested.

"Well, when you have two Kages, a Jinchuuriki and an ex-Jinchuuriki in the mix, you generally can scrape through those kinds of things!" Naruto joked as he helped her onto her feet.

"ex… Jinchuuriki?"

"Yeah, in the future, there was this organization, called Akatsuki, they were collecting all the Bijuu for an end-of-zee-world killing device, and they were extracting Bijuu from the jinchuurikis if they were sealed. Of course, that killed the Jinchuuriki, but we revived Gaara, so, he was doing fine without Shukaku until we traveled back!"

"wait, Shukaku's here!?" she asked, startled at the idea of another Jinchuuriki.

"yep! There's also Kuma! And- I think you'll like this- nah, I won't tell you." He grinned at the disappointed face she made.

"who? Which other Bijuu is here!?"

"your beloved Kyuu-kun."

Silence.

A cricket chirped.

A pin dropped.

"SQUEEEEE!! KYUU-KUN! I AM COMING, MY LOVE!" and with that, she charged off into Konoha, leaving a dust trail in her wake. A few minutes later, a strangled cry for help and a loud 'SQUEEE!!" were heard as some glomping noises were heard. Father time chuckled.

"she's head over heels for him. y'know, if Kyuu hadn't been sealed, he might've responded to her advances."

"yeah, but then we'd have to deal with a whole bunch of little fox-cat half breeds running around!" they laughed at the thought.

"so, you going to restore her memories?" he pointed at Yugito, who was gaping like a fish.

"you… traveled back in time?"

"yep! And Yugi-Chan, I need to ask you to look into this." Naruto held out a mirror in front of her. She nodded uncertainly and walked cautiously up to the mirror. Instantly, she gasped.

"it's me! Only I'm older! And I'm-" a female hand reached out of the mirror and took hold of Yugito's hair. With one swift motion, a spectral _something _pulled itself out of the mirror and phased right into her before she even had the chance to scream. Her body spasmed before her eyes rolled up and fell to the ground, limp.

"Well. That was… unexpected. Father time, please watch her while I go hunting for Nibi. She ran off before I restored hers." Naruto walked off from an unconscious Yugito and a worried god.

Naruto found the demon cat nuzzling her head into the side of Kyuubi, who was struggling with all his might against her iron grip. "Kyuu-kun! I missed you so much! I want to have your babies!"

"Somebody help me here!! Get this woman off me!" he flailed his arm around in the air, only for her so stay firmly attached to the much-loved limb. Naruto guffawed at his dire luck.

"Nibi, get off of fuzzy. I think he's gay, so you won't get anywhere with him." Kyuubi opened his mouth to retort, but Nibi was faster.

"How dare you!" she slapped him in the face. Naruto rubbed his face before holding up the mirror. She growled at him, but looked in anyway. She didn't even have time to say anything before her other spirit found an anchor and pulled itself through. She screeched before going into wild seizures.

Naruto looked down with passive interest. "Glad that gay comment got her off you. You owe me, fuzzy!" Kyuubi had a look that alternated between gratefulness for his service and alarm at Nibi's condition. Kuma, who had been watching on the sidelines, jumped to her side.

"What the hell's going on!?" he yelled. Naruto shrugged.

"I don't know. I think it has to do with her being a demon, and that demons are the ones usually doing the possessing, not being possessed themselves." Kuma glared.

"Well, then what's she being possessed BY!?"

"Her other spirit." Kuma froze, so he continued. "I had father time get one of the gods to custom make it. It's a go-between between the two souls, pre-jump and post-jump. If I hadn't had this made, it would have taken a hell of a lot of energy just to get one set done. I can only use this in the mindscape, though, so… yeah." By now, Nibi had stopped spasming and had fallen asleep. Kyuubi stepped up, an abashed look on his face.

"Fleshbag, I don't know how to say this without losing dignity, but… thank you so much! She does that every time I see her! I keep telling her I have high standards, but she doesn't stop!" he stopped for a moment, before straightening up. "You may ask one favor of me. Be grateful, for I rarely do this."

"Wow. All I have to do is save you from your fangirl and you do stuff for me? Sweet!" he thought for a moment before snapping his fingers. "Get Thoth to make a complete list of all the gods and what they're gods of. Thoth says he's the Egyptian god of wisdom and father time is just god of time, period. Other than that, I know nothing. Fix that."

"Why do you need me to do this?"

"Because he says he's too busy with moving his library down. He has a lot of respect for the gods, and you're as close to a god as a demon can get."

"Why?"

"Because Shinigami said that most of the gods would give me gifts to help me, and yet not one has even spoken to me. I think I need to call on them for it or something." Kyuubi blinked before laughing. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing. It's just that, if I know the gods, then they haven't forgotten about you at all. It's just that, time flows differently in the heavens than on earth. A week for us might be a blink of an eye to them. And they've probably been bickering this whole time too. So no, they haven't forgotten about you. But, you used your favor, and you can't take it back, so off I go!" Kyuubi cackled at naruto's misfortune and walked off, whistling away. Naruto shook his head.

"He thinks he's robbing me, but it still helps me." Naruto looked down at Nibi, who was still out cold. "Hey! Wake up!" he imagined a bucket of water and sprayed her in the face with it. She sputtered for air. "Good, you're up! Now, do you remember?"

"I.. got sealed in a statue? Kitten died?" Nibi asked, shocked.

Naruto nodded. "That's what we deduced after Jiraiya… defeated Akatsuki." He sighed. He missed his pervy Ero-sennin. He never got over how he defeated Akatsuki single-handedly, at the cost of his life. "Damn you Ero-sennin!" he screamed. They all looked at him funny.

"Are you okay?" Shukaku asked, who had just arrived and not yet seen Nibi.

"I'm fine, I just… I just need to be alone." And with that, he ran off. The past had caught up with him, and it would not leave without tears shed.

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_--_

_Jiraiya panted, feeling the strain of battle with his six-bodied student. Feeling more and more pain coming out of his severed arm, he grunted. "I don't think I'm getting out of this one, elders. Might as well go out with a bang, yeah?" he grinned._

_fukasaku gasped. "You can still do it! You just gotta, try harder…" his false hope fading away._

"_Good thing I had a sealing tattoo done!" he bit his thumb and swiped it on a tattoo on his unsevered arm. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!" a huge poof of smoke appeared, and Gamabunta appeared. _

"_Jiraiya! What have you summoned me for!?" he roared. The toad Sannin panted, feeling the chakra exhaustion setting in._

"_Douse… this whole village… in oil." He wheezed. Gamabunta, seeing his injuries, immediately did as he asked. "Good. Now, get out… of here… before the bang. This… is going to… be seen for miles."_

"_Jiraiya! No!" the elders cried. He sighed before dispelling the two. _

"_Jiraiya. Are you sure about this?"_

"_Positive. Now… tell Naruto… what happened. Tell him… that his sensei… didn't die in vain!" he dispelled the boss toad before dropping to the ground. Pein quirked his eyebrow at the display._

"_You summon your boss just to douse the town in oil? Not to fight?"_

"_No need. I've got all… I need… to destroy you now!" he coughed up blood. _

"_Please. You can barely walk. How can you fight me?" Pein scoffed._

"_I cover all my bases. 'Cough' before the fight… I sent out shadow clones… all through the village. I can take you out… with one blow!"_

_Pein's twelve eyes widened. "NO! STOP HIM!!" _

_He grinned a bloody grin. "Good bye, Nagato, Konan, Yahiko. Bunshin Daibakuha!" all his many clones throughout the village exploded, catching the oil and creating a great fireball, completely engulfing Amegakure._

_Flashback no jutsu, kai!_

_--_

"Damn you, Ero-sennin! Why did you do something so stupid!? I would have helped you! Damn you! Damn you…" he broke down into a sobbing wreck. "…damn you…" at once, the rest of the deaths came flooding back.

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_--_

"_Hokage-sama. What are the casualties?" Shikamaru questioned, deadly serious. Tsunade sighed and took another swig of sake._

"_During the iwagakure raid, there were seventeen fatalities and 46 casualties. In the fatalities, there were sixteen civilian deaths and one ninja death." the Konoha eleven stiffened. "I'm sorry Neji. Tenten was killed when a stray earth dragon hit her home._

_Neji froze. "no. no. no__, no, no, no, NO! __She can't be dead! Not Tenten! Not… my wife…" he sank to the ground while Rock Lee ran out of the room screaming. Naruto ran after his friend as Neji whispered, "she was seven months pregnant… our child…"_

_Rock Lee stumbled through the village as he searched for her house. "Tenten! Tenten! Tenten!" he cried as he raced to the rubble, with her arm sticking out. He grabbed the rafter beam covering her body and shoved it away like a twig. He cried as he saw her corpse. "No… you can't be dead… not now… we need you… I need you…" he held onto her arm like a lifeline. "I always loved you… even after you got engaged to Neji, I loved you… even after you said your vows, I loved you… even after you announced that you were with his child, I loved you… you can't die… not now… Tenten…" he cried as he rocked back and forth. Naruto watched from the sidelines, crying for his best friend's loss._

_--_

_Naruto ran into the ruined otogakure encampment, yelling. "Neji! Neji! Where are you!?" he ran past the still warm corpses as he spotted the man he was looking for. Neji was lying in a large crater, surrounded by a circular ring of dead bodies. "Neji! What the hell were you thinking, going into an encampment on your own! You could die now!" _

_Neji chuckled before coughing up blood from his crushed voice box. He traced a message on the ground as Naruto read it out loud. "I wanted to take them all with me before I see Tenten again? You idiot! Tenten would have wanted you to live! As it is, you'll probably never be a ninja again!" Neji wrote on the dirt some more. "I'm not going to live? I've lost too much blood? Bullshit! You're a Konoha ninja, we take care of our own! You're going to be alright! You hear me, jackass!? You're going to be alright!!" he wrote another message, and breathed his last. "No. no, you asshole, NO! NO! You can't die, what about Rock Lee!? What's he going to do!? He'll be all alone now…" he held the body close while reading his last words through tear-ridden eyes. "He'll be more broken up about you! You were a brother to him, Neji! A brother!" he cried while rain washed away the words of Neji._

"_Tell Rock Lee I'm sorry. I knew he loved Tenten so much."_

_--_

_Gaara stumbled into the Hokage's office, bleeding from multiple wounds and supported by two ANBU guards. Tsunade looked up before gasping and running to his side, green chakra already surrounding her hands. "Gaara! What happened?"_

"_Orochimaru… he… he attacked Suna… all the cursed seals… they completely destroyed it. Temari and Kankurou, they…" he broke down crying, much to the shock of everybody in the room. "My home is gone. My family is gone. I don't know what to do anymore. My life is gone…" he sobbed. Tsunade merely took a leaf hitai-ite from inside her desk and wrapped it around his head._

_--_

"_Old man! Ayame!" Naruto screamed as the burning ramen stand came into view. Naruto scrambled into the burning rubble, desperate to find life. Ayame stumbled out from the back, coughing fiercely. _

"_Naruto! Stay back!" she yelled over the blaze before a flaming beam fell and smashed into her skull. Naruto screamed and rushed to her. He felt her wrist for a pulse._

_There was none._

"_DAMN YOU, OROCHIMARU!" he roared as Konoha burned around him._

_--_

"_Very good. I haven't had this much fun killing anyone in a long time!" Kabuto grinned maniacally as he stabbed with a chakra scalpel at Sai. Sai merely jumped out of the way and drew two tigers into existence. _

"_You must have a very small dick, thinking you can kill me." Sai said deadpan as the ink tigers rushed him. Kabuto grinned as he stabbed them with the chakra scalpel. They burst into puddles of ink as he stepped in them._

"_Really?" in a second, he was at the ROOT member's side, whispering in his ear. "I think not." he jabbed his scalpel into his chest. "I think you just died."_

"_So did you." Kabuto looked at him, puzzled. "Look at your chest." He looked down, and there, lodged between his ribs, was Sai's namesake. Sai grinned his fake grin. "So long, dickless." And with that, he shoved it further in, puncturing his heart. Kabuto died instantly. He slumped to the ground. "Damn…" Sai expired._

_--_

_Kurenai roared, maternal instincts raging as the cloud Nin held a kunai to her son shunin's neck. "Let him go, you bastard!" _

"_I think not!" he pressed the kunai deeper, causing a dribble of blood to flow. "I think I might just 'ave found a new toy! I think I might keep it!" he paused, before leering at her. "Unless you offer to trade places?"_

_Kurenai froze. "If I did, would you let him go?"_

"_Cross me 'eart an' 'ope to die!" he leered. "Now, walk over 'ere, nice an' easy, no need to rush." Kurenai slowly did as he said. He grabbed her neck and shoved the boy away. "Good! I'm going to 'ave more fun with you than 'im, anyway!" and with that, he slit open her shirt and started fondling her breasts. Kurenai growled._

"_Shunin! Get out of here!" but her son was rushing at the ninja. _

"_Stop doing that to my mom, you big meanie!" he pounded on his leg with his fists. With a growl, he kicked the boy away._

"_Ah, shaddup, you little blighter! I'm 'having some fun 'ere!" he lowered his mouth to her-_

"_You bastard!" Kurenai shoved a kunai through his chest and out through his back. He barfed up blood before speaking a word._

"_kai." And the explosive tag strapped to his back detonated, destroying the whole house._

_Flashback no jutsu, kai!_

_--_

Yugito found Naruto curled up in the fetal position, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, crying as he hugged his knees. "Naruto? Are you okay?" Naruto didn't respond. "Naruto? Everybody's looking for you." she poked him. No response. "Naruto, you're scaring me. Naruto, please stop." She went down on her knees and shook the older man.

'Sniff' "wha?" Naruto looked up into Yugito's worried face and sank back down. "Yugito. Could you just 'sniff' leave me alone right now?"

"Everybody's looking for you. They're all worried. They want you to come back."

"Well, damn them! I don't give a flying fuck what they want! It's always been give, give, give my entire life! Why can't I be allowed to be selfish this once!?" he shuddered as Yugito said nothing. She kneeled down and hugged his body, rocking with him.

It went on like this for a time that neither knew before Naruto gave a loud sniff and stood up. "Thank you. I needed that. Do you know what you looked like in the future?" Yugito nodded. "Picture that in your mind." She nodded again and scrunched her eyes up. He smiled and flicked her forehead. A bright light engulfed her, and there she was, in her twenty-two year old body. She gasped and looked at her hands. "My thanks for comforting me. Now, shall we head back?" he held out his arm. Giggling like the nine-year old she was, she took it. And they walked back to Konoha, arm in arm.

"So, what do you know about the raikage?" Naruto asked, breaking the companionable silence.

"Well, he's a manipulative bastard. He's the one who ordered Nibi sealed in me. He died when I was about twelve from a heart attack-" Naruto snorted. Yugito grinned. "I know, the most un-ninja death there is. He's a spaz. And if I know him, he probably sent me as a gift thinking that you would send me back, causing an international incident."

"Well, we already know that's not going to happen, don't we?" he grinned, causing her to giggle. "Now, knowing Sarutobi, he's going to make the reply as politically correct as possible to stop said incident. But he could write whatever he wanted and still get away with it, if he doesn't send you back. So, I think we send the raikage a little message…"

--

"You say that you were ambushed?" Sarutobi questioned the Aburame representative, both in the interrogation cell with Ibiki. He nodded.

"Yes, Hokage-sama. He asked why I was going instead of Shibi. I didn't want to tell him, but… he had these eyes. They went red, and I was enveloped in a haze of fear."

"A haze of fear? Describe it." Ibiki commanded, standing off to the side.

"I felt… as if I was going to die. It felt like KI, but so much more potent. It felt… like when the Kyuubi attacked." At this, Ibiki started, but remained silent.

"When the Kyuubi attacked?" Sarutobi asked, disbelievingly.

"Yes. I told him, and he thanked me, and then knocked me out. I woke up in an alley, my wallet and my clothes intact. That is all I remember." The Hokage nodded.

"That is all. You may go." The Aburame nodded before standing up and leaving. "Well, Ibiki?"

"I think that there is something going on. Forgive me, Hokage-sama, but there were certain… events that I have withheld from you until I could confirm them."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I had forgotten them, but recent events, such as that, have brought these memories to the front. First of all, the day after the Kyuubi attack…"

--

A th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!

I've decided to try and cut down on author's notes, because nobody likes 'em, and I doubt anybody reads them, so, yeah.

Yes, Jiraiya's death isn't canon, but you know what? I don't give a damn. I like the pervy ol' coot. He's probably my second-favorite character, with the first being Naruto. I didn't like what bakamoto did to him, so I changed it. Got a problem with it? Don't read the story.

RANT CORNER!!

Naruhina. Personally, this is my second favorite naruXfemale pairing. But y'know, it gets so damn hard to trudge through all the slop that is upchucked from all the half assed people who think they can write to find anything worthwhile. I mean, seriously, would it kill you to get a plotline, people!? I am so sick of people just typing whatever they want, and then just throwing it onto the website! I mean, come on! You people are bogging the site down! At least use spell check! And the grammar, don't get me started on the grammar! It rapes my eyes! My eyes! My precious eyes!

Now, I'm not saying that naruhina is bad. Far from it. There are the few, the mighty, the bold who gleam like a gem from all the dirt and other nasties. Have any of you read Team 8 by s'tarkan? It's the highest reviewed story in Naruto fanfiction. And there are others like it. Read them. It won't kill you. if you're a diehard narusaku fan, read a good naruhina. If you're a naruhina, read a good hinakiba. It's about broadening your horizons. That's what fanfiction is essentially about.

Wow, that wasn't much of a rant, was it?

OMAKE!!

Jiraiya is TNT

--

Jiraiya grinned a bloody grin. "goodbye, nagato, konan, yahiko… Naruto. Bunshin dai-"

Gamakichi poofed into existence, wielding a giant boombox. "sorry, but I heard what you were going to do, and I thought some music would help the mood." And with that, he punched play.

_Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!_

_Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!_

_See me ride out of that sunset,_

_On your color TV screen_

_Out for all that I can get_

_If you know what I mean_

_There's women to the left of me,_

_Women to the right._

_Ain't got no gun_

_Got no knife_

_Don't you start no fight!_

Jiraiya was headbanging to the song, with Pein and his six bodies doing an odd little dance to the side. As one, they screamed the chorus.

'_Cause I'm_

_TNT, I'm dynamite!_

_TNT! And I'll win that fight!_

_TNT, I'm a power load!_

_TNT! Now watch me explode!_

Jiraiya summoned a toad up, with a guitar in hand, and the toad started playing the guitar section, with Jiraiya on one-handed air guitar. Pein pulled a microphone out of questionable regions and started singing into it.

_I'm dirty, mean, and mighty unclean!_

_I'm a wanted man!_

_Public enemy number one,_

_Understand?_

_So lock up your daughter, and lock up your wife! _

_Lock up your back door, and run for your life!_

_The man is back in town!_

_So don't you mess me 'round!_

'_Cause I'm _

_TNT! I'm dynamite!_

_TNT! And I'll win that fight!_

_TNT! I'm a powerload!_

_TNT! Now watch me explode!_

_TNT! Oi! Oi! Oi!_

_TNT! Oi! Oi! Oi!_

_TNT! Oi! Oi! Oi!_

_TNT! Oi! Oi! Oi!_

_TNT! I'm dynamite!_

_TNT! And I'll win that fight!_

_TNT! I'm a powerload!_

_TNT! Now watch me explode!_

With that, the guitar-toad went into a fit of spasms while still being able to play a thirty-second solo. The toad jumped in the air and threw the guitar down, which, for some odd reason, had an exploding tag on it. Gamakichi, Jiraiya and Pein looked at each other for a second before speaking together.

"Aw, crap."

BOOM!

--

Sorry, had to get the AC/DC out of my system.

Okay, I'm laying down a ground rule right now. From this moment on, I am not updating any chapter of this story until I get at least twenty reviews for the new chapter. Get it? Got it? Good.

Bye!

P.S. for certain special interest parties 'coughgnosismastercough' naruto is going to meet sakura next chapter, no matter what.


	11. Only The Good Die Young

In the words of the great author, perfect lionheart (I think), 'Sometimes you just gotta write, y'know? I mean, your muse sneaks up behind you in the shower and bonks you on the head, drags you naked before your keyboard and shackles you to the desk! Perhaps that why I love her so.'

Disclaimer: this is fanon. Not canon. Get it? Got it? Good.

--

"Are you sure that you won't get in trouble for this?" Chouji asked as Naruto posed under a Henge.

"Positive. Now, take the picture!" Chouji sighed before clicking the button. The camera flashed before an old-timey photo slid out, pitch-black. "Let it sit for a little bit…" slowly, the photo came into focus. Naruto grinned. "Perfect!"

--

Sarutobi finished writing the response to the raikage saying that they appreciated the gift and would treasure it for a long time (only in much manlier terms) before tying the scroll to the messenger hawk and letting it fly. He sighed as it winged it's way across the rooftops and looked out on the setting sun.

Ibiki's confession had him troubled. If he was to be believed, then Kakashi could possibly be a traitor and trying to convert an impressionable genin for an unknown cause. And Naruto Uzumaki may be far more than the three-year old he was. 'Could the seal be breaking already?' he asked himself. 'No, the demon fox would not hesitate to let us know if it did. And it would not protect the Hyuugas as it did. So, how is it possible?' He sighed, before noticing something odd.

There he was, himself, flagging down the messenger hawk. It wheeled it's way down before perching on his arm. Giving it a treat, the imposter gently switched the real scroll with one of his own. He through it up in the air and watched it fly.

He had seen enough. The Hokage leaped out of the window and landed next to the imposter. The fake Hokage chuckled.

"I was wondering if you saw. Here. A copy of what was in that scroll." He pulled out a picture. The Hokage ignored it and ran the fake through the chest. It chuckled. "That's violent." It said before exploding into a small cloud of smoke. Sarutobi growled.

"Damn! Kage Bunshin! He knew I would see!" a small rustle sounded at his feet. He looked down, and there was the photo he offered. "Might as well see what he switched…" he picked it up, looked at it and laughed.

"I don't know whether to kill him for this, or to congratulate him! This mystery man has guts!"

--

A week later…

--

The third raikage grinned as a red-tailed hawk with a scroll flew towards the building. Only Konoha had red-tailed hawks! He chuckled darkly. Here is the proof for him to attack Konoha! Here was his excuse to finish what his ambassador could not! Steal a Hyuuga! He snatched the scroll from the bird and rolled it open.

"A sealing scroll?" he shrugged before swiping it with blood. It revealed a photo. "Huh?" picking it up, he took one look at it before screaming. "DAMN YOU, KONOHA!"

There, in the photograph, was the third Hokage flipping him the bird with the words "NICE TRY, JACKASS!" printed on a sign around his neck.

"SARUTOBI, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

--

In the present time…

--

Naruto winced as the memories of being stabbed came back. "Damn! I never get used to that!"

"**What is it?" **Nibi asked, taking a break from chasing Kyuubi.

"Ah, nothing. So, now that you're here, we have to figure out what are we going to do for your lodging. I doubt Kakashi's house can survive another Jinchuuriki. And besides…"

"And besides…?"

"We're bachelors, baby. Bachelor pads don't have girls." Naruto grinned.

Yugito giggled. "Fine. I used to live in my own apartment, way back when. I was an efficient pickpocket, and I saved up to get me out of the orphanage."

"Hmm…" Naruto rubbed his chin. "Well, we could try to get the old man to part with an apartment. He did it for me before, so, if you can butter him up a bit, you could get him to do that for you too, I guess."Naruto shrugged.

"Okay. I think I can do that." Yugito smiled as she walked off to the Hokage tower.

--

After the Hokage finished laughing at the raikage's expense, he jumped back into his office. "Oh, that was a good joke. Ahh. Okay, focus." He waved his hands over his face and exhaled. "Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Getting little Yugito into the academy." He lifted up his pen before being interrupted by a knock. "Hmm? Who…? Come in!" the door opened, and Yugito walked in.

The Hokage smiled. "Ah, Yugito-Chan! Welcome! I was just thinking about you! I was thinking, you said you wanted to be in the academy. So, I was wondering if you would like to join."

She giggled, laying on the little-girl charm thick. "Yay! Thank you, jiji!" She ran up and hugged him. He chuckled, before prying her loose.

"I thought you might like that. Now, about where you are going to live-"

"Oh no!" she cried. "I forgot all my things in my apartment!"

His eyes narrowed. "You're… apartment?"

"Yeah, my apartment! I forgot my doll, my clothes, my pictures, all of it!" she slumped dejectedly.

"You had an apartment at your age?" Sarutobi ground his teeth.

"Yeah! I got the money from people on the streets!" she nuzzled his side like before.

"Really."

"Yeah! They were nice!" Yugito said before jumping up and down. "I know! You can give me an apartment here!"

"No!" he said, startled.

"But why?" she asked, pouting. "Is it because you don't like me?"

"No, it's not that, but… wouldn't you rather stay with an adult guardian? It's much safer…"

"No!" she stomped her foot. "I want my apartment back!"

"But…" the third struggled.

"No!"

He sighed. "Fine. You get an apartment."

She giggled, her mood taking a 180 turn. "Yay! Thank you jiji!" she hugged him before running out. He kneaded his forehead.

"Something tells me I'm going to regret that."

--

"You had a doll?" Naruto laughed as Yugito slapped at him. Nibi grabbed him by the collar.

"**Watch it! Don't mock my little kitten! Or I'll put a kunai where the sun don't shine!"**

"Okay! Okay! Fine!" she let him go. "Jeez, somebody's PMSing."

Punch, kick, knee to the balls, Uber-slap. Naruto went screaming into the horizon. Nibi winked at Yugito looked back and forth.

"**That's what he gets."**

"But…!" Yugito looked at where the blonde winked into the horizon. "Isn't that a little… harsh?"

"**nah. He deserved it."**

--

Ha Chen gritted his teeth as he struggled against his chains. He had failed at his mission. It was supposed to be an easy mission. Just go in, kidnap the Hyuuga heir, and run like hell. But no, somebody predicted him! Somebody knew! Somebody humiliated him! Somebody made him get caught! Somebody caused him to be sent back to certain death! He refused to die like this!

And with those parting thought, he picked up the hairpin he had put down and attacked the lock with renewed vigor.

--

Naruto limped back into sight, clutching his dangly bits and trying (unsuccessfully) to hold back a groan of pain. A knee to the balls would do that to you.

"Somebody call a meeting, we have things to discuss." Naruto got out in a significantly higher voice. "Oh, Kami, my twins ache…"

"**We didn't need to know that."** Nibi said, stifling a chuckle at the pain she caused.

--

Within minutes, the group was assembled over a round table that was conjured.

"Okay, we have a couple of things we need to get settled." Naruto said, sufficiently recovered to sound normal. "We've already got our first inductees here. The gathering recognizes Nibi and Yugito-Chan." He gestured vaguely in their direction. "So, we've established that we're bringing people into the loop. The question is, who?"

"I say-" Kiba started, butt Naruto cut him off.

"Oh, and no, you cannot bring your significant others into this."

"Damn! Why not?"

"Because if we let them into the 'scape, then we've pretty much got to give them their memories back. And it would be really awkward if you give the memories of say, Temari being married to Shika and her not having any feelings for him yet."

"Oh." Thus started a silence so complete you could hear a mouse fart.

"So, yeah. I'll give you all a minute to think."

"I say we let Shino in." Shikamaru spoke up immediately. "He's almost as smart as me-"

"Not to blow your own horn or anything." Chouji snorted in laughter at Kiba's comment. The insulted pineapple head, literally, glared daggers at him. Kiba had to duck out of the way to not get hit. "Whoa! Dude, that's cool! I gotta try that!"

"Say one more comment like that and I won't miss." He glared one more dagger at him, for good measure. "Now, no more comments. We should let Shino in, because he's almost as smart as I am, and that's a fact."

"How in the hellfire do you guys put up with this? It's like a circus in here!" Nibi whispered to Shukaku as Shikamaru started strangling Kiba.

"Remember that one universe that we went, with America being a superpower and stuff? There was this musician from there, name's jimmy buffet; he had these lines from one of his songs. 'If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.' They do insane stunts and even more talks to cope. If they didn't, they would crack under the stress." He shrugged. Naruto stepped in between Shikamaru and Kiba. "At least, that's what I think."

"I remember him. I liked that universe. It was a shame that they blew themselves up." Kuma whispered. Nibi remained silent. Naruto finally succeeded at separating the two.

"No more fighting, got it? Or I'll be forced to lock you two in a cramped closet together. And you _know _how many 'accidents' happen in a locked, cramped closet…" he waggled his eyebrows at them as they blinked before being attacked by the jibblies. "good. Then you're not fighting."

"As we were saying, before those two started flirting,-" mass jibblies, except for a squealing Nibi, "-Shino should be added in. I suppose we'll have to eventually. The Aburame are notoriously good information gatherers, and Shino could keep his family running around in circles with bad info."

"So Shino is in. anybody else?" Shukaku wrote down his name on a list.

"Itachi. He's already in contact with me, and pretty soon he'll start wondering why. He's also extremely powerful, so he'd be a valuable asset." Shukaku nodded and wrote his name down as well.

"Any and all jinchuurikis we can find."

"no." Kyuubi slammed his hand down. "I refuse. I am not letting that happen."

"Why? We need all the power we can get, if we're to face off against Orochimaru, Akatsuki and co."

"No!! I refuse!"

"Kyuu-kun…" Nibi stroked his arm placatingly. "Is it because of Orochi-san?"

"Get your filthy hands off me, woman!" he jerked his arm away. "That despicable snake in the grass is why I'm stuck in a human!" he stalked away, muttering to himself.

"Okaaaay…" Naruto grinned at Nibi. "Jeez, somebody's PMSing."

Nibi stifled a chuckle at the inside joke. "Naruto, that's not very nice."

"So? I hate Orochimaru, and I never suggested him, so-"

"Wrong Orochi. He's talking about the eight-tailed Bijuu." Kuma spoke up. "They hate each other with a passion. Though I have no idea why he's responsible for him being sealed."

"If they hate each other that much, then it would be a bad idea to include him. We'll have all the Jinchuuriki except Orochi. Orochi would interfere with team dynamics."

"Agreed. Anyone else?"

"I hesitate to say it, but… Jiraiya-sama." Said Rock Lee.

"no." Rock Lee opened his mouth to protest. "Not yet. That's a good idea, getting a Sannin on our side. However, he's loyal to a fault and would blow our cover to Sarutobi, and the jig would be pinched. We'll work on him a bit, and then we bring him in."

"That's a fairly good-sized list. I think we've got enough here." Shukaku placed his pen on the ground.

"Yes, I agree. On to the next order of business. Training. We're going to need a helluva lot of getting better in order to stop our enemies in the time frame we want. We can take any and all suggestions."

"I will hide in the Suna ANBU office to steal techniques. I have never needed any, so my knowledge is little."

"Good idea, Gaara. Yugito, you were a Jounin, correct? You could share all your kumo exclusive ration techniques with us."

"I can do that."

"Any other ideas?"

"You know what I think?" Nibi stepped forward. "I think you should all learn how to use Kenjutsu. (sword techniques) sword fighting is a powerful asset, and would be a one-up on your enemies."

"Nice. Swords are notoriously easy to enhance with foreign agents, so that's good too. Gaara, you could get some Suna poisons and bring them over in the Chuunin exams."

"I will do that."

"They can also be enhanced demonically." Kuma said. "Kisame, was it? His sword, samehada. It has a piece of flesh from isonade wrapped around it. That's where it gets its shaving and chakra draining powers from."

"Really? I never knew. We could use that somehow to get him on our side. So, we could somehow get our weapons enhanced demonically by you guys?"

"Yep!" Nibi grinned. "And you better be damn grateful for it!"

Well, I think-"

Greetings, fellow comrades." Thoth walked up.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in!" Kuma rushed him, sweeping him up in a bear hug that would crush a regular man's bones. "Finally got out of that stuffy old library, did'ya?"

"Yes. Now, if you could kindly put me down, you are restricting my respitory system." He dropped him. "Thank you. Now, I come here for two reasons. One, Naruto requested via Kyuubi-san for a book listing all the gods. I have finished now." He dropped a thick book on the table. "Second, we have yet another godly visitor."

"What!? Where!?" Naruto shot up from his seat. Everyone else followed suit.

"It is the Greek god of the forge, hephestasus. He is waiting in the tower."

--

Kuma reached the top first. "Hephestasus, you old windbag! It's good to see you!" he swept the club-footed god up in a bear hug.

"Kuma, you brown-nosing excuse for a teddy bear! How have you been?"

"Eh, same old, same old. Being sealed in a time-traveling kid, saving the world, getting the girl. Speaking of which, how is Aphrodite?"

"Eh, the usual. She's still cheating on me with Ares, the two-faced biker warmonger. You'll never believe what happened while you were gone. Poseidon, he actually had a son! He just claimed him, like, right after you left!"

"You don't say! So that only leaves Hades of the big three who hasn't done the horizontal mambo! What's his name?"

"Perseus Jackson. And I hear that him and Athena's daughter, her name's Annabeth, I hear the two…" he whispered something in his ear. "…with a blow dryer and peanut butter!"

"Wow. That is hot. That is really hot. But is it even possible to do that with peanut butter?"

"That's what I said! I say the peanut butter would've made things too gooey. With whipped cream, maybe, but not peanut butter."

"Ooh, whipped cream would be really sexy. Maybe throw in a hairbrush, and that would be worth millions. Y'know, I once dated this demon chick, hotter than hell in more ways than one, she could do things with her mouth that-"

"Are you two old wives done gossiping about fish prices, or can we get on with the show here?" Naruto scowled, the rest of the group behind him.

"Fine!" Kuma stepped forward, talking like a show announcer. "I now introduce to you, the big, the bad, the fastest hammer draw in Olympus, club-foot hephestasus!" hephestasus stepped out from behind him, bowing with a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're all too kind!" he spotted Naruto. "Ah, and here's the man of the hour! Quite the feat you pulled off, my boy!" he pounded Naruto on the back, sending him sprawling into the Hokage's desk.

"Sweet Kami, that hurt!"

"Oh! Sorry! Got a little carried away! Ha-ha, I don't know my own strength!" he laughed as Naruto pried himself from the wreckage. He quickly quieted down. "Alright, now that the pleasantries are out of the way, let's get down to business."

"Are the gods still bickering?" Shikamaru started.

"No. that's my first order of business down here." he pulled out a scroll that glowed with an unearthly light. "On the day of yadayadayada, in the year of godliness of so-and-so, here we go! By majority consensus of the council of godly beings, Naruto Uzumaki and his fellow men shall receive full support of the council of otherworldly beings."

"WHOO-HOO!!" Kuma pumped his fist. "Yeah! That's what I'm fuckin' talking about!"

Hephestasus snapped the scroll shut. "I am the first one here. My gift to you is tutelage."

"Pardon?" Naruto cocked his head.

"I shall teach you all everything I know. I give you all… the gift of the forge!"

"Sweet! That's awesome! We can make our own weapons! We were just thinking about taking up Kenjutsu! You have the best timing ever!" Naruto whooped.

"Yeah, but I'm not the master for anything. I'm going to run you down so far you feel like dieing, even in your mindscape here."

"Eh, I've had worse from Ero-sennin."

Hephestasus grinned a bloody grin. "I like your spunk. Now, let's see if you can keep it up."

--

One week later…

--

"SWEET MOTHER OF ALL KAMI, MAKE IT STOP!!" Naruto screamed as hephestasus held him in a burning fire.

"Oh, come on! It's only been five minutes! You'll never get to real forging if you can't take a little heat!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"Is this really even doing anything? I mean, all its doing is hurting him in his mind. It's not conditioning him to fire or heat in the real world." Shikamaru whispered to Thoth as they watched the spectacle.

"That would be true in most circumstances, but we are not the gods for anything. If any physical change is authored by our doing, it becomes substantial."

"So, really, this is the optimal way to teach him. He doesn't get the ugly bodily scars from the conditioning, and he still gains the extreme resistance to flame necessary for extreme forging. An added bonus is that he'll take significantly less damage from fire jutsus. Impressive." He nodded his head approvingly. He imagined up a bag and started eating from it. "Popcorn?"

"No thank you. I prefer skittles when I'm watching comedy movies."

Naruto was ready to pass out when the god of the forge finally relented. "Alright! You're doing exceptionally well for a human! Most would've been killed in the first minute! We keep this up, and you'll be as fire-proof as a Cyclops!"

Naruto heard none of this, as he slipped into blissful sleep.

--

Naruto woke, the cover of night blanketing the home. "Damn sadistic gods…" he grabbed where he had seen charred flesh, only to realize he was whole. "The hell?"

"…kill the Hyuuga head, and take his eyes instead. The girl's probably guarded now." Naruto immediately clammed up as he realized who was talking. Slowly, he edged to the window and looked out.

There, in plain sight, and breaking just about all rules of ninja stealth, was the diplomat. 'Damn! He came back!' he quietly performed his true Henge into the Yondaime and shunshined onto the roof. "Death from above." He quietly whispered as he leaped onto the ninja's back. He quickly snapped his neck…

Only for him to turn into a log. "Damnit! He got away!" he cursed. "Kakashi! The kidnapper's back! He's headed for the Hyuuga compound!" and with that, he sprinted for the home of the Hyuuga.

--

"Was that the Yondaime!?" Ha Chen asked the night sky while rubbing his almost-snapped spine. "Ghosts are wandering in Konoha! I must finish this quickly." He jumped into the Hyuuga compound. Almost immediately, he spotted his target, slumbering in his bed. "For the raikage! For honor!" he screamed as he plunged his kunai into the man's chest. He died without a sound. He quickly plucked the eyes from his skull…

Only for a green swastika to appear where the pupils would be. "What!?" he grabbed the man's forehead and brushed the hair away. There, in its glowing brilliance, was a green swastika. "This is not Hyuuga Hiashi!"

"No, but it's your death." A voice sounded behind him as a kunai punctured his throat. He gurgled a moment, before falling to the ground. Naruto stepped to his side, feeling for a pulse. There was none. Nodding in satisfaction, he walked over to the Hyuuga. What he saw stopped him dead.

There, on the ground with his eyes plucked out of his skull, was Hyuuga Hizashi.

"No…" Naruto sank to his knees. "Not again… we stopped the kidnapping. We stopped it, damnit… he wasn't supposed to die…"

"Who are you!? What have you done!?" Hiashi slammed into the flimsy bamboo sliding door, crumpling it like tin foil. "What!? Yondaime!?"

"I'm sorry. This was not supposed to happen." Was all the 'Yondaime' said, before a curtain of leaves blew through the window opened by Ha Chen. When the leaves settled, the Yondaime was nowhere to be seen.

--

Okay! I've got this roadblock out of the way, so super long chapter part deux is right after this commercial break!

Okay, I need you guys to send me a number in your reviews. Pick a number, one through five. Whichever number gets the most amounts chosen will be the next story I update/post. If anybody's curious, there's one for one piece (very first dabbling in fanfiction!) one for sly cooper 3: honor among thieves, one is another Naruto story, and one for Iron Man. There is also this one. You cannot send me things like 'oh, I want the Iron Man next!' or crap like that. you have to pick a number, that is randomly attached to the stories, or your input WILL NOT COUNT. End of story.

No rants or omakes. I'm feeling drained of all creativity.

aw, crap. i just realized I promised that i'd brig in sakura this chapter. to put it bluntly, I forgot. but no more! I promise to bring sakura in this next chapter! in fact, i'ma go write that now so that i don't forget it. it will happen! thank you, invader zane, for pointing that out. you get a cookie for that! 'gives cookie'

remember. people, i'm still enforcing the twenty reviewschapter thing. you guys did beautifully last chapter, so i know you can do it. thanks for putting up with my selfish ego-stoking demand!

So, see you all next chapter!


	12. On The Road Again

Yes, yes, I promised a super-long chapter, numero dos, and so, here it is

Yes, yes, I promised a super-long chapter, numero dos, and so, here it is!

There will not be Sakura introduced in this chapter. I had planned on it, but it went on too long.

--

Disclaimer: 'sigh' do I really have to do this? It's making me sad every time I think about it. The fact that bakamoto won't give me Naruto. I could write it so much better…

--

The cremation of Hyuuga hizashi was a small affair. In fact, the only people to see him was the cremator himself, and hizashi's son; a small, pale eyed boy by the name of Neji. There was also, from a distance, Naruto. Watching from a tree, he saw the cremator lower the body into the pyre. He saw Neji cry as his father was incinerated. He saw the fire die, and the cremator scoop up the ashes. He saw him shove the container into the small boy's arms and walk away.

Naruto decided that now was a good time to step in. leaping out of the tree, he landed right in front of Neji. "Hi! What's your name?"

"…go away…" was all Neji mumbled.

"Frowning, he changed his tactics. "What's that you got there?" he reached out for the box, only for Neji to hug it even closer to his body.

"Don't touch that! My father's in there!"

"Oh… I'm sorry. I never had any parents." Naruto looked appropriately sad before perking up. "Cheer up! My dad always says, if you lose one precious person from your life, replace them with two more! Otherwise you'll go emo!"

Neji looked up. "What's emo?"

"Uh…" Naruto had to stifle himself saying 'it's Sasuke'. "It's when you're sad all the time, and you hurt yourself because it feels good to watch yourself bleed."

Neji took a step back, alarmed. "That sounds awful!"

"I know! I asked my dad why anyone would do that, and he said that they aren't right in the head, because they couldn't cope with the loss!"

"I thought you said you didn't have a dad."

"Yeah, he's not my real dad. But he's pretty much my dad! By the way, my name's Naruto! I'm going to be the Hokage someday!" he stuck out his hand.

Neji smiled a small smile. "My name is Neji." He tucked the ashes under the crook of his arm and shook Naruto's hand. "I am a Hyuuga."

"You're a Hyuuga?" Naruto wrinkled his nose. "My dad says that all the Hyuuga are really stuck up and have to look at everything down the end of their nose. You're not like that, are you?"

"Who's your dad?" Neji asked, offended that his family honor was being put down.

"Other people call him Hatake-san."

"Hatake… Hatake… Hatake Kakashi!?"

"Yep! That's my dad!" he puffed out his chest.

"Hiashi-san says he reads bad things in front of everybody, and that he wears his mask because his face is too hideous!"

"Hey, hey, hey! He wears that mask for his safety!"

"How?" Neji crossed his arms.

"He says he keeps it on, because all the women in Konoha would mob him if he took it off, and then their husbands would kill him for stealing all their wives!"

"Whoa…"

"I know! I don't believe it either, but since he's a ninja and all, who knows!"

--

By the end of the day, Naruto was completely drop-dead tired, but very satisfied. He walked into the house… and into Kakashi's leg. "Well? Where were you? I thought you'd be moping because hizashi died."

"What's done is done, and cannot be changed. We had no idea the assassin would come back, so we could have done nothing about it. I was running damage control on Neji."

"Neji? Damage control?" Kakashi quirked an eyebrow.

"Yeah. I figured if we couldn't save his dad, then I would do the next best thing: make sure that his son was well taken care of. It would be a waste of our efforts if Neji turned into his regular fatalist self again."

"Ah. Touché."

"Get your own damn lines, Kakashi!" Naruto screamed.

"Sorry, sorry. Heh Heh. I just couldn't resist." Kakashi eye-smiled.

"Oh, and Neji doesn't believe that you wear that mask for your safety."

"But he's never seen under it, so he wouldn't know its powerful stuff."

"Nope!" Naruto smirked. "y'know, with that face of yours, I find it surprising that you haven't got a girlfriend yet. You had one before, right? What was her name… Annabelle? The one with the weird name that you would never introduce to us?"

"Yes, well, moving on!" Kakashi looked decidedly nervous. Naruto looked at him with a blank look on his face.

"… She was made up, wasn't she?"

"yes." Kakashi hung his head. "I made her up because you guys wouldn't stop harassing me. I can't get a girlfriend because they always want to kiss me, and either I tell them no and they dump me, or I say yes, and they get blown back forty feet by the shockwaves as soon as I take the mask off. After that, it's too damn awkward, so I have to dump them."

"… so, you were, like, a forty-year old virgin."

"yes." He hung his head even further.

"…I won't tell the others."

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" he started hugging Naruto's short legs.

"But this just means that I have to take matters into my own hands."

"Hmm?" Kakashi looked up from strangling Naruto's feet.

"I have to try and get you a girlfriend."

--

As the clan heads filed in for the weekly council meeting, Sarutobi noticed a branch house Hyuuga sitting where Hiashi would usually sit. "Before I start the council meeting, I would like to ask why Hiashi has sent a sit-in."

"Hiashi is in mourning for the loss of his brother." He stated as if that explained it all. Which, in fact, it did. Sarutobi stared at him a little longer, before turning back to the council.

"Good. That opens the main discussion of this meeting. A messenger bird has arrived from kumogakure. As before, I have waited to open it so you can also know." he unrolled the scroll, cleared his throat, and began to speak. "To Sarutobi Sasuke, third Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato, from Rai Quán, fifth raikage of kumogakure no Sato." He blinked before reading over the scroll again. "Fifth? Wasn't the last scroll from the fourth?"

"Err, yes! Yes it was!" said a nameless assistant as he looked over a previous scroll.

"Hmm…" he shrugged before reading again. "I've never been very graceful with my words, so I'm going to say it right now: the fourth raikage is dead."

"What!?" the table erupted into a crowd of roars.

"QUIET!" they all silenced. "Many of the civilian populace, as well as the ninja, were growing discontented with his schemes. We would have killed him ourselves in a few years time, if he had not died of a heart attack shortly after your 'message' arrived. We suspect that's what caused the failure." The Hokage laughed loudly, amid the questioning eyes of the council.

"What was in that message?" Shibi asked in a slightly monotone voice.

"Heh Heh Heh… I have it right here." he pulled out the photo and showed it to the council. A stunned silence followed. Tsume was the first to recover, guffawing loudly.

"HAH HAH HAH! I'm surprised, Hokage-sama! I didn't know you had it in you! That's some damn good stuff there!"

"Heh Heh… yes, a friend of mine suggested the idea. It sounds like it was a good idea, too. I think we just overthrew a tyrant." The entire council started chuckling, then laughing softly, until it was full-blown belly laughter.

After the laughter had died down a bit, Sarutobi wiped a tear away from his eye. "Hoo… I don't think we've ever laughed like that at a council meeting before." The clan heads chuckled. "Yeah… err-hem! Anyways!" he picked up the scroll again. "Where was I? Killed him in a few years, heart attack, there we are!"

"As the new raikage, I am stuck with the damage my predecessor did politically. He most likely sent you Yugito-Chan thinking you would reject her and cause an incident. My heart is gladdened that you did what you did. I am very close to Yugito-Chan, and I am happy she has found a welcome home.

"I would also like to personally send my condolences for the death of your Hyuuga by our little would-be kidnapper. He had no orders from us, since his former boss was dead and buried. I would be the first to offer an alliance, but your Hyuuga would no doubt protest, so I will suggest a non-aggression pact. I pray that you will accept. May your clouds always be peaceful." He snapped the scroll shut.

"I like the sound of this guy. It's always a sign of sanity if they know the last guy in their position was a scheming bastard." Tsume started.

"I think the non-aggression pact would benefit both of us. Kumo has never had many ninja, and we are still weak from the Kyuubi attack. By banding together, we can both save ourselves from the bigger enemies." Chouza said.

"It would also be beneficial financially." The leader of the merchant guild, from the civilian side of the council, added.

"Really? Explain." Sarutobi said, playing devil's advocate.

"A non-aggression pact is one step away from an alliance. Once we've let the Hyuuga simmer a bit – no offense, Hyuuga-san."

"None taken."

"Once we've let them cool their heels, we can create an alliance. Kumo has very few farmable lands, because of the near-constant thunderstorms there scarring the land. This greatly impacts the amount of military forces they can support. With an alliance, they would almost depend on us for food and commodities. Conversely, Kumo has the highest amount of natural minerals in their soil, second only to Iwa. Konoha and the fire country have the lowest amount of usable mines. It would be a win-win situation for both of us." The guild leader sat back down, amid scattered applause from the civilians.

"Very well. All in favor of the non-aggression pact?" almost everyone raised their hand. Sarutobi looked at the branch house member, who had not raised his hand. "Hyuuga-san? Do you have something to say?"

"I agree that the non-aggression pact is very beneficial. However, I am not confident I could get the Hyuuga elders to see the same way you do. It is them that I represent. Therefore, I must vote against."

"Very well. But the majority still wins. I shall send a messenger bird to Kumo to tell them that we have accepted. Now, on to other matters…"

--

As the council members were filing out, Sarutobi and the branch house Hyuuga were left alone.

"I suppose I should thank you."

"Oh?"

"If it weren't for you swapping the messages, Konoha would not be in this situation."

"And what, pray tell, would this situation be?"

"A second powerful Jinchuuriki and a non-aggression pact with a ninja village, which may turn into an alliance."

"And yet I was unable to save one man's life."

"Oh?" Sarutobi quirked an eyebrow at the Hyuuga.

"I was there, when Hyuuga hizashi was killed. I saw his assassin pluck the eyes out of his skull. I saw my ghostly associate plunge a kunai into his killer's skull."

"You work with the Yondaime's ghost!?" Sarutobi gaped, before stroking his goatee.

"… I am going to allow you free reign in Konoha, as long as you continue to aid us."

"Thank you."

"But before I do, let me know one thing." Sarutobi stared intensely at the Hyuuga. "Who are you?"

"... No one of consequence."

"I must know."

"Get used to disappointment." and with that, the Hyuuga took a kunai from his pocket, rammed it into his heart, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The third sighed. "And he slips through my fingers yet again."

--

Neji walked into the Hyuuga compound, only to be assaulted by his cousin. "Neji!! There you are! Where were you!"

"Hinata-sama." Neji bowed, only to be bowled over by her glomping him.

"Everybody is all sad, and nobody will play with me! Will you play with me?" she accented this by using the classic puppy dog eyes look.

"Err, no, sorry."

"PWEAAASE?"

"Grrr… maybe later."

Hinata giggled. "Yay!" she rushed off. Hiashi took her place, having snuck up behind him.

"Well?"

"GAHH!" Neji jumped a good foot in the air.

"You seem happier than when you left. What happened."

"I… I think I made a friend. He's got a pervert for a dad, and he says he's going to be the Hokage, but he's-"

"The Hokage?... what is his name?" Hiashi questioned, having a good idea who his nephew's new friend was.

"His name is Naruto."

'I knew it!' "Naruto… you would do well to befriend him. He will do great things in his life."

--

One year later…

--

"Hey, Neji… whoa! You don't look so good! What's wrong?" Naruto peered at the dark bags under his friend's eyes.

"Hello, Naruto. I'm… just tired. Hinata is driving the Hyuuga house into the ground. She's a wild child."

"A WILD CHILD!?"

"Yes, she is quite the firebrand."

"OH MY GOD!" "KIBA! You'll never guess what happened!"

"What!?"

"Your girl has grown a backbone!"

"What!? Who!?"

"Hinata! Neji is telling me how she's a wild child and that she's driving the Hyuugas ragged!"

"OH MY GOD!"

"I know!"

"Naruto…? Naruto, are you there?" Neji snapped his fingers in front of his blonde friend's face. Naruto flinched back.

"Oh, sorry, spaced out a little bit. What were you saying?"

"Nothing. You just got a blank look on your face." He yawned, before rubbing his bicep. "Okay, maybe it's more than Hinata-sama. Hiashi-sama has gone off the deep end. He's trying to create a new fighting style for the Hyuuga, and he has all the compound working on it."

"Seriously!? How does it work?" Naruto was, to put it bluntly, astonished. This was probably the biggest unintended change that had happened yet!

"Well, he got an idea, that, if the Hyuuga gained an unshakable personal ally, one that is trusted by the elders completely, that they could give a gift of a fighting style to them. It's supposed to be a modification of the original Jyuuken, only it strikes different points on the body, like the eight killing extremities, and the nerve pockets."

"Wow. That… might actually work! Nice!"

"No, it's not. He has us working into the dark hours creating working stances for it. I have to do it too, since they think I'm a genius of some sort."

"A genius, eh… nice."

"No! I hate dealing with all the pressure! It's like they think I'm going to create it single-handedly! I've only just mastered the Jyuuken!"

"That's the point! You've mastered it, when most other Hyuuga are still getting a hold on it!" Naruto stroked his chin for a moment, before snapping his fingers. "I've got an idea. Come with me."

"Where?" asked Neji, confused.

"I'm taking you to another of my genius friends. Maybe you two can relate."

--

"Good morning, Fugaku-san. Is Itachi here?" Naruto bowed slightly to the Uchiha patriarch. Fugaku frowned slightly, before pointing off to the clan training grounds.

"He's over there."

"Thank you, Fugaku-san." He grabbed Neji's hand and dragged him over to the training grounds. Fugaku scowled at his retreating back.

"I don't like that boy. He has grown too attached to Itachi. And now he brings a Hyuuga into our home." He spat on the ground, as if ridding a foul taste from his mouth.

"Oh, Fugaku-kun, it's only a friendship. Boys will be boys." Uchiha Mikoto walked up from behind him and started to massage his shoulders.

"Mikoto, you are not from the Uchiha lineage. You do not know how we hate the Hyuuga. That boy, that demon! He has brought a damn Hyuuga to our home!"

"Fugaku-kun… what's wrong? You used to like that boy…"

"He is a demon! He is blight on our village, and he must be destroyed! Along with anybody else who shelters him!"

Mikoto's eyes hardened. "Really? Well, guess what? You're not the man I married! And until I get him back, you're sleeping on the couch!" she whirled around and walked away, leaving her husband with the beginnings of a plan.

--

"What!?" Itachi and Neji screamed simultaneously. "You want me to be friends with _him_!?"

"Yes. You two are going to be good friends." Naruto stated his voice steely.

"But he's an Uchiha! /but he's a Hyuuga!"

"And that has to do with this, how?"

"We are mortal enemies!" they crossed their arms and looked away from each other. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Gimme a break! You guys don't even know each other! You are not mortal enemies! Now, get to being friends, or I'll lock you in a cramped closet and not let you out until you _are _friends!" Naruto whirled around on the ball of his foot and walked away. As soon as he was at the edge of a wall, he ducked behind it, Henge'd into a nameless Uchiha he'd seen, and walked by.

Itachi and Neji were still there, shuffling awkwardly around. 'Well, it's a step up from glaring at each other.' He mused. He perked up when Neji spoke.

"So… I hear you're a genius of the Uchiha."

"Yeah."

"Umm… how do you deal with it?"

"Why?"

"They say I'm a genius too. I can't deal with the pressure!"

"I know! It's so annoying!"

"It's like the entire clan expects me to build the compound by myself or something!"

"I hate that! My dad, he had me doing in-village missions when I was still in the academy!"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah! Very first one I did, was baby-sitting Naruto."

"Ha! I can't imagine anyone baby-sitting Naruto! He's a bundle of energy!"

"Yeah! It was kind of weird, baby-sitting a kid while he's still in the orphanage."

"You baby-sat him while he was still in the orphanage!? Ha! That's going to be weird!"

Naruto smiled. They were two geniuses, with a four-year old genius friend. They were sure to find common ground.

"…and the orphanage owner, he's the brother of Naruto's new dad's rival!"

"Nuh-uh! They haven't met! Gai-san just doesn't like accounts of Kakashi!"

Speaking of which, Kakashi hadn't talked about Gai at all. Naruto shunshined off to his home, wondering why.

"You know, you're not like anything Hiashi-sama says the Uchiha are."

"Yeah, well, you're pretty strange for a Hyuuga!"

--

"Hey Kakashi! Why haven't you talked about Gai at all?" Naruto asked as he walked into his home.

"He hasn't met me yet! So, I can't complain about him!"

Naruto gaped. "Seriously? I thought you two were like, diaper rivals or something!"

"Yeah, well, he likes to think that way. Me? I just go along with it." Kakashi shrugged.

"Where do you meet him?" Rock Lee said from the doorway to the bedrooms.

"At the ANBU social meet-and-greet for new ANBU. I did something that he didn't like, he asks who had the guts to do that, I say my name, and he recognizes it, he labels me a genius, and he starts the whole 'hard work will overcome genius' thing. After the meet, he comes over, challenges me to a challenge of some sort, I ignore him for my books, he labels me 'hip and cool', and that's when he started all the random challenges."

Rock Lee gaped. "… and you remember that all HOW!?"

He shrugged. "I've cursed that day for a good twenty years. It's kinda hard to forget something you curse with all your being."

"When is this meet-and-greet?"

"tomorrow." His eyes widened. "YES!"

"Huh?" Naruto backed up.

"I can restart the competitions between us! THE BOREDOM SHALL DIE!!"

"You're bored? Since when?"

"Since about a year ago. I need his random challenges in my life, dammit!" Kakashi did his standing-on-rock-sun-shining-on-him pose. Naruto sweatdropped.

"y'know, if I didn't know already you were straight to the point of homophobic, I'd say that comment booted you into questionable territory." The Cyclops went flying across the room, swatted by an invisible hand. He started clawing at his face while foaming at the mouth behind his mask. Naruto laughed at the smirking Rock Lee. "I love questioning people's sexuality. It's so funny!"

"But he has a point. If he doesn't meet Gai now, we won't have a viable reason to meet him later."

"And that matters… why?"

"He's a taijutsu master! All he taught me was the strong fist, because it fit my style. If we bring him into the loop, he can teach us all better styles!"

"Hmmm… good idea, except for the fact that the 'scape probably wouldn't survive both you and fuzzy-brows there!"

The two laughed as they walked off, leaving a foaming Kakashi in their wake.

--

One day later…

--

"Now, are you sure that you remember how you started it?" Naruto briefed Kakashi as he got dressed.

"Positive. I went in with Jiraiya's very first Icha Icha paradise book, which had come out that very day…" his eyes widened. "OH SHIT! I forgot to buy it! And the store's closed!"

Naruto whipped out the book from behind. "I'm way ahead of you."

"Thank god!" Kakashi grabbed the diminutive boy in a crushing hug. "What would I do without you?"

"You'd be late to every single meeting with your only genin team… oh wait! YOU WERE!"

"Ah, sticks and stones." He waved off the barb at his habits. "If I've got the book, then I've got this whole thing down pat."

"You'd better. This is our only chance."

"I'm good! Yeesh. You're like my wife or something."

"No, Gai is. Remember your comment from yesterday?" cue invisible hand, clawing of face, foaming of mouth behind mask. Naruto blinked. "Aw, damn. That would be funny in every situation but this."

--

Kakashi walked into the ANBU headquarters, fingering his 'smut pouch' like a gunslinger fingers his holster in a shootout. Seeing Gai laughing it up with a crowd of the experienced ANBU, Kakashi casually leaned against the wall, pulling out his Icha Icha.

"The hell!? Gai's not wearing any spandex!!" Naruto gaped while looking through Kakashi's eyes.

"He didn't start wearing that stuff until about a year after this little charade. Said it 'accentuated his youthfulness.'"

"Wow. That sounds so creepy."

"yeah." he spied Yuugao walking over to him from a group of giggling women, a small smile on her face. "And here, we… go!"

"Hey, Kakashi. Me and my friends were just wondering… what do you look like under your mask?" her friends giggled. He shrugged, his nose still in the book.

"Eh, you wouldn't be able to handle it. It's too much for you."

"Oh really?" she walked over to his shoulder with a sultry sway of her hips. "Well, why don't we go to a place to eat, and find out?"

"Ummm… ask me later. It's getting good in my book." He answered off his mental cue card, though in reality, he was finding many plot holes in Jiraiya's work. Was this really what he was so infatuated with? Yuugao frowned.

"Why not? What's in this book that's got you so interested? What does this book have that I don't?" Kakashi counted down the seconds. '5…4…3…2…1…'

"Sir! Why do you ignore this fair lady for a simple novel?" Gai had ended his conversation with the older ANBU and had entered into this one.

"Because most women can't handle what I've got, and she's no different. Books don't care how awesomely good your genes are."

"You! You, you unchivalrous cad! Who are you, to insult all womankind? The beautiful flowers of Konoha?"

Kakashi smirked beneath his mask. 'Hook, line and sinker. I've got him.' "Hatake Kakashi."

Gai narrowed his eyes. "Hatake Kakashi. I've heard of you. You were the son of the White Fang, one of the greatest ninjas in the history of Konoha. You are the son of a genius. They say you will grow to be as much of a genius as he was."

"But I have no lineage, no genius of my own. But I will be greater than you! And do you want to know why?"

"I'll humor you. Why?" Kakashi asked boredly, though inwardly he was rejoicing. It was going exactly to plan!

"Because hard work will always overcome genius!" he pointed at Kakashi, a setting sun over a desert landscape replacing the background. Naruto blinked.

"Wow! That's the first time that Genjutsu actually looked cool!"

"Yeah. That's new." "Spare me the theatrics. If you are done, then let me get back to my book."

"YOU… you cad! You are my eternal rival! I shall defeat you at your own game!" he ran out of the headquarters, screaming that he would defeat his eternal rival. Kakashi blinked.

"Well. That went better than before. It didn't even take a second meeting to declare me his rival." Yuugao stared after the fleeing figure, then sidled up to Kakashi again.

"So, back to where we were…"

"Look, Yuugao, you're a wonderful woman and all, but I'm serious about the fact that I can't date you. If I removed this mask in front of you, you would be knocked unconscious and blown halfway across Konoha. Trust me, that's what happened to my last date. She's still in physical therapy. I would date you in a heartbeat, but I can't. I'm sorry."

"oh." Yuugao frowned. She looked as though she was about to cry.

Kakashi quickly did damage control. "Hey, hey! Don't cry! Here, I'll make it up to you. There's this guy I know. His name's Hayate, he's a really good guy. I think you two would make a better match then we would. See him over in the corner?" he pointed over to where he was, talking with Asuma. "Go talk to him, give him this note." He quickly tore out a blank page from Icha Icha and scribbled a note on it. "Give this to him, and give the guy a chance."

"'Sniff'… okay." Yuugao took the note. Kakashi put an arm around her.

"Hey, I'm sorry I was so blunt before. But I honestly think you two would work out. I can see it in my mind's eye, you two, being a happy couple. But, can we be friends?"

"s-sure…" she gave him a quick smile before walking over to Hayate.

"Sweet Kami of all. The world is coming to an end." Naruto breathed in horrified fascination.

"What? I just sped up their dating process. That way they might get together before Hayate gets killed."

"You desecrated one of your own Icha Icha books without even thinking."

"Oh." Kakashi's eyes widened, before shrugging. "Ah well. It wasn't as good as I remember it."

"Dear god, you insulted it. Who are you and what have you done with Kakashi?"

"I'm serious! There's barely any plot, and what plot there is is riddled with more holes than Swiss cheese! I mean, take the heroine. She's homophobic, but immediately agrees to a threesome with Rei and Hisko when they first ask! I mean, the sex is awesome, but that's all there is! There's no plot!"

"… What's Swiss cheese?"

"It's a type of cheese that Thoth was telling me about earlier. It's from a universe where all the religions collided. It's full of holes, but it's actually quite good."

"So, what're you going to do now that you don't like Icha Icha anymore? Write your own?" Naruto scoffed.

"y'know, that's not a bad idea! Thanks!"

Naruto sweatdropped. "I meant that sarcastically. You don't have a writing bone in your body."

"Ah, screw you."

"I thought you were straight, Kakashi." invisible hand, clawing, foaming.

--

Hayate blinked. And gaped. "You want to go on a date… with me?"

Yuugao scuffed the floor with her toe. "Well, yeah. I was redirected to you. I was told to give you this note." She handed him the torn page of Icha Icha. Hayate blinked and looked down at it.

_Hayate, I know we've never formally met, but Yuugao here was sad, and I hate seeing women sad. You were looking kind of lonely all over in that corner, and I don't remember you having a girlfriend (gossip travels fast in the ANBU) so, I put two and two together, and got fish. I think you two would make a great couple._

_Sincerely, Hatake Kakashi._

_p.s. watch out for disease in the jungles of Amegakure. I've heard there's a particularly bad lung virus going around. It's said to be permanent. Watch out on your mission there! _

Hayate smiled. Hatake Kakashi… he would have to thank him, if this worked out. He then frowned. How did he know that he had a mission there this next week?

"So? Are we good on this date?" Yuugao looked at his face. Hayate beamed.

"Of course! Where do you have in mind?"

--

One day later…

--

"What do you mean, we're leaving!?"

"A lot of things are going to happen in the next few years abroad. We are leaving Konoha to make sure we have some influence on them." Kakashi explained to a furious Naruto and Rock Lee.

"But, you can't bring us with! Your temporary hermit thing doesn't cover us!"

"That's why we're not using that."

Silence.

"Did I just hear you suggest we go missing-nin?" Naruto stated in a low, menacing voice.

"No. we're leaving Kage Bunshin in our place here. We're going to have them do all the things that need to be done in Konoha, and we'll go around the elemental countries unopposed. Besides…" Kakashi mumbled something under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing! Nothing! Nothing at all!" they didn't believe him. "Okay, we're going to have to give our clones a helluva lotta chakra in order to make them survive the next few years. Let's do that now, and rest up after that."

"Fine. But I'm not done with you yet!" Naruto formed the hand seal. "Kage Bunshin no jutsu!" a small poof of smoke, and there stood a second Naruto. Naruto placed his hand on the clone's shoulder. "I'm about to give you all my chakra. Act like I normally would, and for god's sake, **don't get hit.**"

The clone nodded. "Got it, boss!" Naruto placed his other hand on the clone's face, and started pushing chakra into it. The clone winced, but motioned for him to continue. A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead as a small amount of fatigue crept into his face. The clone stiffened. "Boss? Something's happening… I don't feel right…" Naruto couldn't hear him as he continued pumping chakra into the clone. "Boss! Something bad's happening!"

"Naruto, stop the chakra flow!" Kakashi, now worried by the clone's vague warnings, grabbed Naruto's shoulder. Naruto looked at him, confusion in his eyes.

"What?"

"Stop the chakra flow!"

"I…" a note of panic crept into his voice. "I can't! It's going on its own! I can't stop it!" Kakashi grabbed his hand and attempted to pull it away from the clone, but both the clone and the hand were frozen together. Naruto panicked as he felt his chakra dip into lows he had never felt before. "Stop it! Somebody stop it!" and with that, his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Naruto slumped forward, unconscious.

--

Naruto groaned. "God, what happened? I feel like my brain's on fire. Kyuubi, how drunk did I get last night?" he waited for a response along the lines of, **'You got roaring ass drunk, did the tango with Lee while wearing a dress, mistook Shikamaru for a rock and started giving him advice on how to raise children, sang 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow!' at the top of your lungs, and knocked yourself unconscious while fighting with a statue.' **At least, that's what he said last time.

"Oh, thank god! You're awake!" Rock Lee cried and rushed into the bedroom. "Kakashi, he's alright! He's waking up!"

"Oh, god! Naruto, don't ever do that again! You scared me half to death!" Kakashi grabbed him in a bear hug. "You'll give me gray hairs before my time!"

"You already do, you old coot, now put me down!" Naruto struggled against the grip until he slipped out. "Whew! Couldn't breathe! So, what happened?"

"What, just like that? You're feeling better already?" Kakashi eyed him quizzically. "It's been a week, you know…"

"A week! Oh, Kami!"

"So, why don't we head into the 'scape? Thoth said he had and idea on what happened."

--

"Naruto, don't ever do that again. What you attempted to do, whether intentional or not, would have killed you if you didn't have Kyuubi-san."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. What happened?" Naruto waved off the birdman's concern. Thoth sighed.

"I'm not going to mince words. You just created a personal summon."

Silence.

"Come again?"

"By essentially force feeding your entire chakra reserve into that shadow clone, what with its makeup, you…" Thoth sighed. "That's right, you humans have forgotten."

"Forgotten what?" Rock Lee questioned.

"Sit down, this may take a while." They sat down on the grass. "Now, you know of the five main elements, correct?"

"Yeah. Fire, wind, lightning, earth, and water. Basic ninja stuff."

"There are the other combinations of the five, but that is irrelevant to the topic.

"There is a sixth element, which has been lost and forgotten by mankind."

"Seriously!? What is it?"

"Void."

"Void? That sounds like something out of a cheap science fiction novel from up in snow country." Kakashi said.

"Despite its name, it is a real element, and it is said that a human with a pure void element would be the undisputed ruler of the elemental countries.

"Every single god has the void element. It is why we are so powerful. Now, despite all of the natural void users being gone, the techniques that use void are still here. Your shadow clones are one of them. They are created from the single most powerful element there is."

"Shadow clones? They aren't created out of void. They pull together shadows, and air molecules, and stuff." Naruto protested.

"That's the explanation that humans have come up with. They have forgotten of the sixth element, and its properties. Tell me, why is it that the shadow clones give the knowledge they gain to the user when they are dispelled, but all the other clones don't?"

"Well, it's… it's because…" Naruto fell silent when he found he had no explanation.

"Because they are create from void, they don't follow the rules of other clones. They take a tiny sliver of your mind with them when they are created, and they return that tiny sliver to you whenever they are dispelled. This is also the true reason that nobody save jinchuurikis and void elementalists are able to effectively use shadow clones, and why it is mostly banned. Most humans just don't have the mind to spare.

"Another technique of void is summoning."

"Summoning? But everybody can do that, as long as they have a contract!"

"Summoning contracts were a gift from the void users to the ninja world. A true void user could summon any summon there was, which was why they are so immensely powerful. However, it takes an ungodly amount of chakra to do so. A summoning contract is their way of being able to bring that chakra output down to manageable levels.

"Because of the shadow clone being made of void, and you forcing it to take in more chakra than it could hold, it was forced to change its structure. It took in all of your chakra reserves, and transformed into a personal summon."

"Your technique that brought you back in time was a technique of void. It… wait a minute… could it be possible…?" his eyes narrowed. "Rock Lee." Thoth conjured up two chakra affinity cards. "Channel your chakra into this card. You too, Naruto." He handed them to the two befuddled ninja. Rock Lee pumped a bit of chakra into it. It turned into clumps of mud, before a flash of light shone out of the mud, and the mud disappeared.

"Holy hell!" Rock Lee jumped back, alarmed. Thoth nodded a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… Rock Lee, the first void user in a hundred years!"

"Lee…? The fuck?"

"He was the center point for the jutsu, was he not?" Naruto nodded dumbly. "He got all five elements channeling through his body at the same time. Normally, that would do nothing. However, since his chakra coils were damaged-"

"They still are! Kyuubi hasn't fixed them, 'cause he's being an ass!" Naruto sputtered dumbly.

Thoth nodded. "Very well, but that is irrelevant. Because his chakra coils were damaged, he, for all intensive purposes, had no chakra affinity. Then, suddenly, all five are coursing through his body. He uses a void technique while this is still happening, and bam! The void technique molds all the elements together and you get time travel. Rock Lee caught a good portion of this elemental power straight on. His element-less coils drank up the power of the void, and it changed his molecular structure. He is now the first void user in over a century. Granted, it's not a pure affinity, but…"

"I can understand Rock Lee, but why do I have a card?" Naruto stared at his own.

"I am wondering if any of the others gained the power of the void. Even if you didn't, the time stream is a thing of power. It will have changed you somehow.' Naruto nodded and channeled his chakra into it. It was neatly sliced into four quarters. Thoth nodded.

"Very well. It only affected Lee. This will set my idea back somewhat, but it may still work."

"What idea?"

"Lee, I am going to take a tiny bit of your chakra and give it to Naruto." Before Lee could protest, Thoth grabbed his shoulder and siphoned off the chakra. He then placed his other hand on Naruto and pushed the chakra into Naruto. Naruto shuddered at the feeling of the foreign chakra. "Summon a toad. Preferably one that is old. Gama, I believe, shall do."

"But I can't summon toads! I haven't signed a contract!"

"Yes you have. No matter how many times you travel in time, a tiny bit of the summoning contract will always be open to you. Combine that with the borrowed power of void chakra, and you can summon toads again. Temporarily, at least until the void chakra is flushed from your system."

"But…"

"Just do it."

"fine." Naruto went through the hand seals. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!" a flash of smoke, and a tiny toad, no bigger than Gamakichi when Naruto first met him, lay on the ground. Naruto collapsed. "Damn! That took more chakra than it should have!"

"Where am I? This isn't the summoning realm!" the toad turned around and spotted the strange assembly. "AHH!! A bird's going to eat me!"

"Gama, I want you to listen very carefully. I won't eat you, if you do exactly as I say." Gama, in his fear, nodded mutely. "In a moment, I am going to dispel you. You will find Gamabunta, and tell him, that he is to open a portal to Thoth's signature. Remember that. Open a portal to Thoth's signature. Give this to him, this will help." He plucked a feather from his head with a grimace of pain, and placed it in the gaping toad's mouth. "Tell him to bring a blank summoning scroll."

"Yessir! Right away, sir! Don't eat me, sir!"

Thoth smashed his fist down on the small toad's head, and he dispelled in a cloud of smoke. Naruto shakily stood up. "What was that about?"

"Shh… we're waiting for the portal to open." Naruto shut his mouth, after 'hmmmm'ing in annoyance.

They didn't have to wait long. A towering door appeared in the field, and the boss toad leaped out. "Thoth! What is this about trying to eat my subordinate!"

"Trust me, I did no such thing. Toad is bad for my digestion. Can you come down here and change into something… easier to negotiate with?"

"Change? The hell are you talking about?"

"Normal rules don't apply here. Now, change into a human form, or at least something we can see the whole face of."

Gamabunta said nothing as he started shrinking, shrinking, until an old man with frazzled white hair pointing every which way and a cane with a toad on top remained.

"Interesting. I wish I knew about this when I went out with Minato for twenty-one shots. Maybe then I wouldn't have blown up the bar!"

"Yes, yes, very interesting. Now, do you recognize this man?" he gestured to Naruto.

"Well, he looks a lot like Minato… the whisker-things look… familiar…" his eyes widened. He grabbed Naruto in a bear hug. "Naruto! You're real! You weren't a dream!" he dropped Naruto and whacked him with his cane. "Don't you ever do that again! You had me thinking I was going crazy for a good three months!"

"Wait, you remember me!?" Naruto gaped.

"Of course. The summons are, somewhat, outside of the time stream. Though they age in time with humans, they are immune to the changes of time. Gamabunta probably remembered everything, but thought it was a fever dream. Am I correct?"

"You bet your birdy ass you are!" Gamabunta pulled a scroll out of thin air. "Well, now that you're real, we can't have you not sign the contract! Bite your thumb, and place it on the top of the scroll."

"Okay." He bit his thumb, and did as the boss toad said. He name appeared in spindly writing. "Whoa! Cool!"

"You are now the owner of this scroll. You can let whoever you want sign this. This is the first time there has been two summoning contract scrolls in the corporeal world for the same summon." Gamabunta handed him the scroll. Naruto took it, before it disappeared.

"Now, are you going to learn the sage techniques?"

"Sage techniques?"

Gamabunta slapped his webbed fingers against his forehead. "Don't tell me Jiraiya didn't tell you about those! Idiot little summoner…"

"Well, then, enlighten us. What are the sage techniques?" Naruto looked around, and was surprised to see Rock Lee and Kakashi gone. "Where did those two go?"

"They left as soon as Gamabunta showed up. Said it didn't involve them anymore." Thoth said. Naruto shrugged.

"I guess it doesn't. Now, what are the sage techniques?"

"The sage techniques are a whole new type of ninjutsu. They are immensely powerful, incorporating the natural power around the sage. Of course, it's much harder to do than just normal ninjutsu, because you have you balance the third power of nature, instead of just physical power and chakra."

"Cool! So, I was supposed to learn this?" his eyes were sparkling with the idea of new, super-powerful ninjutsu.

"Yeah. You should've been brought to Myobokuzan for training." He then cursed. "Damn! I forgot! You won't be able to go there! You've got other stuff to do! Damn! What to do…"

"Hmm… well, if I can't go to Myobokuzan, then why not bring Myobokuzan here? You can do anything you want here!" Naruto illustrated this by flicking his hand, causing an immense mountain to sprout out of the ground. Gamabunta punched his open hand.

"Perfect! I swear, you're better than Jiraiya in every way! You're actually smart!" Naruto sweatdropped as he destroyed the mountain. "I'll get fukasaku over here ASAP! Don't wait up!" and with that, he disappeared into the towering summon door.

"So, you now have the toad summon back." Thoth smiled.

"Yeah, but, won't it be a bit… problematic if I can summon toads and somebody reports to Jiraiya?"

"It matters not. If it happens, then it happens."

"We'll see if you think the same when I'm strapped to a medical table, being cut open to see what makes me tick."

"Ah. I see. You humans do have an unhealthy thirst for knowledge."

Naruto snorted. "Says the Egyptian god of knowledge. With a book that has every secret known and unknown to man."

"So you DID read the book I gave you!"

"Eh, it had some interesting stuff in it. Is it true that Athena was born from Zeus's split skull?"

"Yes, she was. Worst. Birth. Ever."

"So, Zeus can be like, 'oh, I want another kid!' and then just, grab a hacksaw or something? 'Cause that would be hilarious."

"Yes. That would be amusing."

"And why is Zeus such a player? I mean, he's married to Hera, the goddess of marriage, but he's knocked up a whole bunch of humans, and wood nymphs, and whatever!"

"Well, he told me that-"

"Naruto! We're leaving! Now that you're okay, we can get on the road!" Kakashi popped up by Naruto's shoulder. Naruto jumped.

"GAHH!!"

"You'll never believe it! This place allows you to teleport! It's so cool!" Kakashi eye-smiled at Naruto's reaction.

"I'll teleport you a new one if you ever do that to me again!"

"Ah, sticks and stones. We still have to go."

"fine." The duo faded away.

--

"So, you guys have your clones ready?" Naruto asked his two house-mates.

"Yeah. Lee just did his with Kuma's chakra, and I just made mine. He would've done it with his void chakra-" here Kakashi snorted. "Void chakra. Doesn't that sound like something out of a cheap snow country sci-fi book? Tell me it doesn't sound like that."

"It doesn't. Now, get on with it!"

"Fine! Ruin my fun, why dontcha! He would've done it with his, but Kyuubi's still an ass."

"Amen!"

"I'm packed!" Lee walked out with a giant suitcase. Naruto looked blankly at it.

"…not even going into what you packed into that. How are you going to carry that?"

"Your hammerspace seal! Duh!" Rock Lee stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Naruto blinked.

"Oh yeah. I forgot about that! There goes my light packing!" Naruto raced into his room.

"And we can forsake lightness for comfort!" Kakashi tossed out a small pup-tent, and jumped out the window. "Spacious tents, here I come!"

"Don't forget the cots!" Lee yelled after him. "Man, I'm a genius!"

"I thought you hated geniuses." Naruto stumbled out, lugging a suitcase bigger than him.

"Meh. The years have no doubt changed me." Lee shrugged. Kakashi jumped back in the window, only to be yanked back when the overly-huge tent packaging caught on the frame.

"d'oh!"

--

"Ah, sweet, sweet freedom! A whole two years to work our magic on the world! The fresh air, the lack of missions, the joy of going anywhere you want!" Kakashi pranced through the woods, leaving a befuddled Rock Lee and laughing Naruto.

"I never would've pegged Kakashi as a prancing type." Rock Lee muttered.

"So! It's still hilarious!" Naruto laughed.

"Hey! Don't laugh at my randomness! You will respect the randomness, or the randomness will turn around and bite you in the ass!" Kakashi whirled around, glaring daggers at them.

"Eh, randomness is just someone trying to be funny. There's no real-" Rock Lee was silenced when a branch whipped out and whacked him in the face, sending him flying. Naruto gaped.

"HOLY SHIT!!"

"Do you respect the randomness now?" Kakashi looked at Naruto. He nodded rapidly.

"Oh, yes! Yes! I love the randomness! The randomness is my life!"

"Good. Because when you respect the randomness, the randomness respects-"

A girl, around Kakashi's age, crashed through the trees, landing in front of Naruto.

"-you. I rest my case. Rest nothing; my case is in a coma!"

"Stop with the randomness! We need to see if she's okay!" Naruto slapped Kakashi upside the head, before checking the girl's vital signs. "She's alive. She's unconscious, but she's alive. Who is she?" Naruto flipped her onto her back to get a look at her face. His eyes widened.

"…Kakashi, do you recognize who this is?"

"No, why?" Naruto grabbed the top of her purple hair, and pulled it up in a Shikamaru-esque ponytail. Kakashi stared. "Oh, my god…"

"Hey! You!" a dirty man leaped out of the trees. "Have you seen a girl, about Yay high, with purple hair?" he spotted her behind Kakashi. "There! That one!"

"What about her?"

"She belongs to us. Our daughter, she ran away… sniff…" he produced some tears. "We've been following her, to try to bring her to her senses… thank you for finding her…"

"Nice sob story. Too bad we know it's a bunch of bullshit." Kakashi crossed his arms and glared at the man. He took a step back.

"How dare you! You… you… give me one reason you don't believe me!"

"We recognize Konoha ninja when we see them." Rock Lee had snuck up behind the man. With a swift chop to the neck, the man dropped like a stone. "So, what are we going to do with her? Send her back to Konoha?"

"No. who knows what the snake did to screw with her head. This probably isn't the first time she's tried to escape. If we send her off on her own, they might catch up to her again. It would be best to just bring her along with us."

Naruto stared. "You sure that's a good idea?"

"Yes. I'm positive. And besides, from what I've heard, she was a good person until she got back. Then everyone shunned her, and it did things to her. She ended up the way we knew her before. It's like what you did with Neji: we need to do damage control on her."

"Are you sure?" Kakashi nodded. Naruto sighed. "Fine. We're bringing Anko along with us."

--

Cut, print and save, that's a take!

This is good! I've got them abroad, working their magic on the world! Lee's got a previously unknown, extremely potent chakra! Too bad he can't use his own chakra yet. Naruto's back in the loop with the toad summoning, and is going to learn the sage techniques that Jiraiya had! Anko's been found, and is being brought along in their little road trip! What's going to happen next? Find out… next chapter!

No omake. I've so many good omake ideas, but I can't do them yet! ARGH!! I'll make it up to you all later!

RANT CORNER!!

Y'know, I've come up with some pretty screwed up ideas before, but this one might be the most useful one yet! I call it… the army of scum.

The government, in their being-a-pussy-ness, keeps sending out good, honest men to die on the front lines, and the evil scumbags safe and sound in their little maximum security jails, causing overflow from too many being crammed in there. Well, no more, I say! The government should just throw all the criminals onto the front lines! We let them do the fighting for us! I mean, instead of everybody reading about how two Minnesotans, or fifteen Californians died in a car bombing, they would read about how a pedophile and a armed robber got shot up in an extremist shootout! And if they survive for five years, they get out scot-free. The army'll shape them up! It'll have been beaten into their thick criminal skulls that you follow the rules, or hell will come knocking at their door. Why does nobody listen to my ideas!? They're good, dammit!

I've got that off my chest… 'pulls creepy little squid off of chest'

If you haven't noticed, I just posted the winner of the polls. It's the Naruto one-shot song-fic. It's called, 'what do you do with a drunken pervert?' it's a parody of 'what do you do with a drunken sailor?' it's an Irish pub song. It's basically Naruto getting even with Jiraiya in the most humiliating ways possible.

Thank you all for sticking with me so long! Thank you for putting up with my ego stroking! You guys are the best! After last chapter, I felt really bad about making you do twenty reviews for a new chapter. So you know what? I'm not doing that anymore! You guys are just too good for that!

Review. You know you want to.


	13. The Snake's Apprentice

Okay, I'll say it right now. Sakura WILL show next chapter. I don't care how long it makes the chapter, she is making an appearance. End of story. Gnosismaster and Dov (my cousin), you can get off my back.

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Disclaimer: don't own Naruto.

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Pain. There was so much pain. The world throbbed with it. The face… the one she was running from… whose was it? Who was she? She heard a groan. It was hers.

"Hey. You awake?" a voice. It was not hers. She knew this. She heard her groan again. She blearily opened her eyes, only to shut them immediately at the pain. "You shouldn't open your eyes yet. You took a nasty blow to the head."

"Who…?" she heard herself speak. Her voice was scratchy. It hurt to speak.

"My name is Kakashi. Don't worry. You're among friends."

Kakashi… she had a name for the voice now. "Water…"

"Oy! Naruto! Our little house guest wants some water!" Kakashi yelled at someone. She felt her brain throb. Fish-cake…?

"Coming right up!" the fish-cake yelled back. Wait… fish-cakes can't talk… someone's name…? She felt something cool on her lips.

"Open your mouth." Kakashi ordered. She did as he asked, and was rewarded by a cool feeling. She swallowed. "Again." She opened it again, greedily trying to get more, only for it to tip away. "Whoa, whoa! Little bit at a time! Don't want you to choke!" she patiently waited for another mouthful of water. She didn't have to wait long.

After a while of this, Kakashi decided she had had enough. "Are you hungry?" a growl from her stomach beat her to answering. He laughed. "I guess that answers that!" she blushed, embarrassed. "I'll go get you something."

"Who am I?" she called after him in a small voice. She heard nothing for the longest time.

"…Anko. Your name is Anko." And with that, she felt him leave. She smiled. Anko… she had a name now. A good name…

-------------------------------

"How is she?" Naruto asked, sitting around a fire pit they had dug out, a newly caught rabbit roasting over the fire. Rock Lee looked at the tent that housed her. Kakashi shrugged.

"Well, she remembered how to talk, which is always good. She couldn't remember her name. Which is not surprising, really, given her suppressed memories and that blow to the head combined. I doubt she remembers who Orochimaru is. That'll be useful. We can keep that from her until she's mentally stable."

"And? How are we going to move her? We can't stay this close to Konoha. Someone might see us here, then see us there, and tell the Hokage."

"Ah, damn! You've got a point, Lee. Hmm… well, a stretcher would be too ungainly, and it would get in the way if a fight happens… we could try a fireman's carry for her." Kakashi twisted the cooking rabbit over the fire.

"That wouldn't work over long distances. The blood would rush to her head, and who knows what that would do to her brain. It's addled enough."

"Damn! You're right."

"Why not just have you piggyback her around? It's simple, really." Naruto stared at Rock Lee.

"… Why didn't I think of that? Good idea! Kakashi, you'll just piggyback her away!"

"Err… uh…" Kakashi blushed, then growled. "Dammit, this is why I hated being a teenager!"

"What? What are you… oh! Oh-ho-HO! Ho-HO!" Naruto looked back at the tent, then at the scowling (not that you could see it) Kakashi, then the tent, then back to Kakashi. "Say! You made my job easier!"

"What are you on to, Naruto? What job?" Rock Lee looked back and forth the way Naruto did, trying to find what had Naruto so upbeat.

"My job of finding Kakashi a girlfriend!"

"… oh! Oh-ho-HO! Ho-HO!"

"Dammit, would you stop already!" Kakashi stomped his foot. "I'll chidori your ass to the moon if you don't shut up!"

"Don't worry, Kakashi. If it'll cause you a _problem _carrying your girlfriend, then I'll just trade places with you." Naruto placed his hands in the ram seal. "Henge!" a poof of smoke, and there was a second Kakashi. "Well, lover boy? We ain't got all day!" he laughed in Kakashi's voice at the fuming Cyclops.

"This isn't over!" he Henge'd into the four-year old Naruto. "I'll still get you back for that!"

"No doubt you will. But it was worth every bit!" 'Kakashi' grinned a shit-eating grin at 'Naruto'. He then grabbed the now-cooked rabbit and ran into the tent, away from the violent 'child'.

-----------------------------------

Anko felt the urge to giggle as she listened to the antics of her newfound saviors. She wasn't sure what a girlfriend was, but she'd ask them about it eventually. There was another one, Lee, who hadn't come in here. Kakashi swept in the door, startling her train of thought off the track.

"Hey, Anko-Chan! Good to see you're up so quickly!" he placed a paper plate, with a piece of rabbit cooked so well that Anko was salivating. "Made you dinner. Dig in."

She was tearing into the meat as soon as he said that. Kakashi gaped, then laughed. "Wow! You were really hungry! Sorry I took so long!"

Anko blushed. "Arigato, Kakashi-san." She started taking small bites, just barely there.

"Hey, hey! None of that Kakashi-san business! Makes me feel old! And you can eat however you want." She resumed her mile-a-minute eating. Within thirty seconds, the rabbit was gone. She belched quietly, then blushed. Kakashi laughed.

"That's one fast eater! Reminds me of Naruto with ramen!"

"I thought Naruto was a person…"

Kakashi laughed. "Oh, he is! And what a kind, loving, gentle person he is!"

----------------------------------

'Yeah right!' Kakashi thought to himself on the other side of the tent, listening in on their conversation.

---------------------------------

"Say Anko." Kakashi leaned back on his chair.

"Yes, Kakashi-san?" she leaned forward, only to wince and lean back.

"Whoa! You okay?" Kakashi placed his hand behind her, stabilizing her.

"Yes, I am fine. Thank you, Kakashi-san."

"What did I say about Kakashi-san?" Kakashi wagged a finger in front of her face. He 'tsk'ed at her. "You are not supposed to call me Kakashi-san!"

"As you say, Kakashi-san." She smiled at him. Kakashi blinked, then threw his head back and laughed.

"HAHAHA!! Well, it's a good sign if you've got a sense of humor back!" he chuckled, wiping an imaginary tear from his single eye.

"Kakashi-san? Why do you wear a mask?" his eye widened, then 'smiled'.

"Well, why do you want to know?"

"Well… what do you look like under it?" Kakashi grinned a predatory grin.

"I can show you…" his finger reached for the mask-

"DON'T YOU DARE!" a blond child flew into the silver-haired teenager and bit down on the offending hand. 'Kakashi' howled in pain. Anko blinked.

"Damn you! Why not!

"You know damn well why not!" Anko looked back and forth between the bickering rescuers.

"You're not in control anymore!"

"I'll bite your bloody arm off!"

"What are you, a piranha!? Get off me! I NEED TETANUS SHOTS!!" Anko giggled, then laughed uncontrollably at the older man flailing his arm, the biting child still attached to it with his mouth. "Anko! Tell Ka – Naruto to get off me!"

"Naruto-san, 'giggle' please let go of 'giggle' Kakashi-san." Anko laughed, watching as the small child disengaged from the tearing off of 'Kakashi's arm.

"Just Naruto, please."

"Very well, Naruto." 'Kakashi' pouted.

"Why does he get treated normally and I'm all 'Kakashi-san'?"

"He isn't as funny to tease as you are." Anko giggled. 'Naruto' blinked, then scowled as 'Kakashi' howled with laughter.

It went on like this, with Anko deciding to herself that this was where she was staying, when 'Kakashi' immediately stopped laughing.

"As much as I am glad to see that you are having a fast recovery, we need to get a move on. Anko, I'm not sure how well recovered you are, so I'm going to have to carry you to where we need to go. Are you okay with that?"

"I do not need to be carried anywhere!" she said this as she slid out of the sheets and attempted to stand up. She was up for a good three seconds before moaning and slumping down. 'Kakashi' caught her on the way. "Ergggh…"

"What was that about not needing to be carried anywhere?" 'Kakashi' eye-smiled, while Anko slapped at the hand holding her. "Hey! I need that hand!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, I do! Naruto, being the wise, ultimate ninja-in-training he is, convinced me that I am going to write a book!" Anko stared.

"You're ninja?"

"Yep! From the great Konohagakure!"

Anko looked out on the horizon, before moaning and clutching her head. "Konoha… gakure… ninja… Orochimaru…" she gasped before her eyes rolled up and slumped down. Naruto cursed as he dropped the Henge.

"Kuso!" he stuck a finger to her throat, before sighing. "Thank Kami. She's only unconscious. Thought she was going into shock. Kakashi, watch over her while I go pack up the camp." With a seal and a poof, an adult Naruto walked out of the tent. Before freezing in place. "Lee! Where are you! My god, what happened!?"

"We happened." Two men dropped out of the trees, holding an unconscious Lee by the neck. "Your friend is quite the interesting child. It took quite an effort to take him out silently. He struggled quite a bit."

"He was also immune to my chakra draining abilities. You have quite an interesting friend of yours." Naruto growled. He knew who they were. Yoroi and Misumi from the Chuunin exams. Orochimaru's lackeys. "I shall be quick about this. Hand over the girl or the boy dies."

Naruto intended to do no such thing. But they didn't know that. "Kakashi! Make a Kage Bunshin, and transform it into Anko. We've got a few uninvited guests looking for her." "Fine. If you promise to let Lee go, you can have Anko."

"Smart man. You just saved your friend's life." Yoroi squeezed Lee's neck, causing his face to turn an ugly shade of purple. Naruto growled. "Where is the girl?"

"Right here." Kakashi, back in his own body, carried an unconscious Anko out of the tent. "I heard everything. She's protested a bit, but I knocked her out." He dropped her in yoroi's arms as Misumi thrust Lee forward.

"Interesting. Would you, by any chance, be ninja?" Misumi stepped forward. "She may not have finished her training with our master, but she is not one to go down easily. What village would you be from?"

"We're missing-nin from the village of Konohagakure. We just deserted." Naruto whipped his head around at Kakashi continued. "Sarutobi was a weak-hearted fool who could not lead a village the way it was meant. To fight whoever opposes us."

"Our master believes the same. You are wise." Yoroi paused, before speaking again. "I feel that I have a proposition. Our master is looking for ninja with the same ideals you have. He wishes to start a hidden village of his own. I am implied to think you would like to join Orochimaru-sama."

"Orochimaru? The great snake pedophile?" Kakashi snorted. "If that's your master, then I'll just go back to Konoha. Sarutobi may be a fool, but he isn't a power-hungry, child-molesting fool." Yoroi's face twisted in anger.

"You shall pay for insulting Orochimaru-sama!" he threw Anko to the side, only to whip his head around when the shadow clone dispersed. "Treachery!"

"We're ninjas. Treachery is what we do. You ready to bring back servants of Orochimaru to Hokage-sama?" Kakashi grinned at Naruto, who laughed with a grin on his face as he realized Kakashi's trick.

"Oh yeah!"

"We shall not surrender!" with that, Yoroi charged at Naruto. Naruto grinned, already knowing how this would turn out.

"Take your best shot at me. I'm feeling lucky." Yoroi paused, before resuming his charge. With a swipe, Naruto was on the ground, yoroi's hand pressed to his forehead.

"Do you know what I can do?" Yoroi grinned.

"Besides work for a gay pedophile?"

"I can drain your chakra dry. I can suck your very life force out of your body and kill you!"

Naruto smirked. "Really? Let's see you try."

Yoroi started at this blatant dismissal of his power before snarling. "I shall enjoy killing you!" A blue aura surrounded his hand as Naruto's chakra began to flow. Yoroi smirked… then screamed as the blue aura turned red. "What is this!?"

That oughta keep you busy for a while." Naruto ran to Kakashi as Yoroi started spasming. "Kakashi! Lemme fight this dude. The last guy was a pushover."

"Your chakra is dangerous in other humans, isn't it? He met his natural enemy." Kakashi stood and thought, much to the chagrin of Misumi. Finally he shrugged. "Meh. I hadn't even started fighting him yet. He's all yours." Kakashi stepped to the side.

"You must be quite powerful to defeat Yoroi. However, you shall not find me as easy to defeat!" Misumi charged, whipping a kunai at the blond child. He merely jumped out of the way before unleashing his own barrage of pointy objects. Misumi contorted his way around each and every one. "You'll have to do better than that!"

"I intend to." Misumi had no time to dodge before a clone smashed him over the head with a thick tree branch. He slumped forward as the clone threw away the tree branch. "That was one of the most disappointing fights I've ever had."

"If you actually allow them to fight, instead of taking them out early, then they might not _be _so disappointing." Rock Lee limped up behind Naruto. "You don't let the fight _become _interesting."

"Lee!" Naruto grabbed the boy in a bear hug. "How much were you conscious for?"

"It doesn't matter. What does matter is that we've got to get out of here. Orochimaru knows we're here, and he'll probably be out for our blood when he hears what we did to his goons. Let's pack up and move." Kakashi rushed into the big tent and began throwing everything outside. "Start sealing them away, Naruto!"

"Roger!" Naruto grabbed the nearest thing, a cot, and threw it up in the air. With a flash of light, the cot turned into a ball of light. The light flowed into the tattoo on the back of his neck, and disappeared.

--------------------------------

Sarutobi stared at the masked ninja that had leaped through his window. "Who are you? You are not one of my ninja."

"Yes, and yet my help has aided Konoha more than they ever will." The aging Hokage stood.

"Ah. I see. It is you. Welcome. I assume this is not a friendly house-call."

"You're right. I come bearing gifts." The masked man snapped his fingers, and two men dressed identically appeared in a swirl of leaves, with heavy-looking bags over their shoulders. They dropped the bags onto the wood floor, and the Hokage heard a groan come from them. "Subordinates of your greatest mistake."

"Who… Orochimaru." Sarutobi sighed.

"Yes. They attacked Konoha-nin nearby the gates. I aided them and captured the ninja. You see them before you now." The masked men untied the tops of the bags and dumped the contents onto the ground. The gagged and tied bodies of Yoroi and Misumi flew out. "I would suggest getting a medical team to look at them. One of them has a chakra-draining ability that could be fatal to a regular ninja, and the other one had a surgery that allows him to bend in impossible ways. He could easily kill a ninja by simply wrapping around him and breaking their neck."

"Really."

"Orochimaru may be an insane betrayer, but he knows how to pick his subordinates."

"Yes… I had such high hopes for him." Sarutobi pinched the bridge of his nose. It was times like this that he felt his age.

"I am going abroad of Konoha. I have heard talk that he is trying to start a hidden village of missing-nin. I need to confirm this. I have taken one of your shinobi and a few civilians with. If you figure out who they are, do not mark them as missing-nin. Do not try to follow us."

"What!? You're… leaving?" Sarutobi started.

"If he truly is making a village of missing-nin, I will need to do anything I can to slow his power gain. I will try to divert any possible ninja to Konoha. I will need you to give asylum to them if they give you my name."

'Sigh' "very well. What name should I look for?"

"Fox. I shall continue to be in contact with you via Kage Bunshin." And with that, the three masked men pulled out kunai and jabbed themselves in the gut, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

-------------------------------

"Orochimaru-sama. Yoroi and Misumi have been captured by Konoha forces. Our spies have confirmed this already."

"Damn! Has Anko been taken in?"

"No, Orochimaru-sama. They have heard nothing about Anko-san."

Orochimaru slammed his fist into the table he was sitting at. "Dammit! Where could that wench have gone to? She'll spoil my plans! How could Yoroi and Misumi have failed! This was an easy mission!" the spymaster shifted uneasily. "What!? Spit it out!"

"My spies have heard… rumors, around Konoha. They say that the…" the spymaster mumbled something under his breath. Orochimaru glared.

"What?"

"They say that… theyondaime'sghostisprotectingkonoha."

There was silence.

Absolute silence.

"DAMN THAT YELLOW-HAIRED BRAT!" Orochimaru threw the table aside, rage clouding his judgment. "Even in DEATH, he still foils me at every turn! Damn him!" Orochimaru grabbed the spymaster by the front of his shirt. "Find out everything about this! Every last scrap of information! Or I will feed you to Manda a thousand times over!"

"y-yes, Orochimaru-sama!" the spymaster stammered. Orochimaru threw him at the wall. He scuttled away. The betrayer sank to his chair, clutching his head.

"The ghost… well, ghost or no ghost, Konoha shall fall by my hand! One way or another!"

-------------------------------

Anko groaned, squinting into the harsh sunlight. Naruto, Henge'd as Kakashi, looked back at his piggybacker. "Hey. You alright?"

"… I was the servant of a traitor. He kidnapped me from my home, in Konoha. He put me through torture, he kept training me. He said that I was to be his first vessel, and that I should feel honored. All I knew was that I hated him, and that when I escaped, I would kill him some day." The trio remained silent as she continued.

"He took me on as an apprentice, in Konoha. I thought he was a good man. A little eccentric, and slightly insane, but a loyal konohan. He taught me how to be a good ninja, and I thought he was the best teacher ever."

"Then, when Sandaime-sama named Namikaze Minato as the Yondaime, he went crazy. He destroyed the base we were training at, and started experimenting with cursed seals." Here, Anko rubbed her neck, where her own incomplete, unsealed mark was. "Sandaime-sama found out, and Orochimaru fled, and took me with him."

"The first time I tried to escape, when I was eight, I was caught before I got a yard away. He laughed at my attempt, and locked me away. A week after that, he started teaching me again. The second time, he thought it was a training exercise I created by myself on how to outrun our pursuers. He applauded me, and made me sign the snake summoning scroll. He thought I was his devoted little student."

"After that, I realized that I would never be able to defeat him unless I knew what I was dealing with. A saying that he had drilled into my head was, 'know thy enemy as well as thyself, and you need not fear a hundred battles. Know thyself but not thy enemy, and outcome is surely in doubt.' I decided that I would take that to heart." Naruto and company were silent as Anko vented.

"He taught me how to use snake summoning. He had said that I had abnormally high chakra reserves, and he did experiments to see if he could increase it by technology. He did, and my reserves almost tripled. It almost cost me my fertility though, according to his reports. Every week, I would try to escape, and he would catch me. He would then point out the things I did wrong during his 'training regimen.'"

"Why he kept me alive all those years, instead of making me his vessel, I don't know. Maybe it was him holding onto one last memento of Konoha. Maybe it was him too caught up in a terrorist group that I knew he recently joined. Maybe he just forgot. But I was alive. And that was all that mattered."

"I finally got away in sea country. Orochimaru had gone there to try to create an ultimate underwater ninja. I escaped from him, and ran away. By the time he realized I was really running away, I was already stowed away on a boat and out to sea."

"I landed in a port city in wave country. There was a man there. He said his name was gato." Naruto stiffened. "He told me that he knew exactly what I was running from, and that he would help me, in exchange for a favor he could call on. I agreed. He gave me a passport and money to get across the border."

"It was then that those men started chasing me. When I realized they were there, I fell and smashed my head on a rock. The bushes obscured me from view, and they ran past me."

"I woke up with a kind old man, who was a medic-nin that ran from Konoha. He nursed me back to health. He told me that, if it weren't for the Kyuubi attack on Konoha, he would still be there. He described it as a wonderful utopia of peace and prosperity. He pointed to the south, and said that once I was healed up, he would take me there. He then sent me out to collect berries for food. When I got back to the hut, it was in flames. They caught up to me. I turned and ran as fast as my legs could carry me. They chased me across the continent, getting closer. They almost got me, but then…" here she looked up. "You saved me."

"Anything for a fellow konohan."

"Would you… would you help me kill Orochimaru?"

Naruto was silent, before turning to the passenger on his back. "Of course."

"Thank you!" Anko turned Naruto's (disguised as Kakashi) head to the side and planted a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you, Kakashi!"

Heh. No problem! Right, _Naruto_?" the real Kakashi simply walked along, smoldering at what Anko had done to 'him'.

---------------------

At night…

---------------------

"Damn!" Gamabunta, transformed into the old man, cursed. "Naruto, you'll have to come to the mountain in order to be trained in sage techniques. The prep work just can't be replicated!"

"I understand." Naruto nodded, not willing to say anything to ignite the boss toad's temper more.

"If you already knew how to manipulate nature, THEN, we could work something out. But you have no clue how! And the properties of the special toad oil just can't be replicated!"

"I understand completely."

"And even if we could get the toad oil to work, there's no natural energy in your mind! It just wouldn't wor- what did you say?" Gamabunta turned his head towards Naruto.

"I understand that it doesn't work. All it means is that we need to adapt." Gamabunta stared at him, eyes wide open. Slowly, he started walking around Naruto, peering and prodding at various parts of his body. "Err… what are you doing?"

"I'm wondering how in the hellfire you were trained by Jiraiya! He was as stubborn as a mule when it came to convenience! Shouldn't it have rubbed off on you or something!?" Naruto blinked, before he burst out laughing. "What's so funny, gaki!?"

"Bwahahah- nothi- bwahahaha! Nothing! Hehehe, haha." Naruto rubbed the back of his head as Gamabunta stared at him. "Err, it's just that, Tsunade was always telling me that I was more stubborn than Jiraiya. And then you said that, and, yeah…"

"I… see. Regardless, you still need to come to Toad Mountain for the training. It won't work otherwise."

"Very well." Whatever else he was going to say was cut off as Yugito barreled into him. "Ow! The hell, Yugito?!"

"You bastard!" she punched him in the gut. "You left without telling anybody! We would have come along!"

"You know?" Naruto had gone very still, shrugging off the blow. Yugito glared.

"The clones told us. We knew they weren't you three, and we asked where you were. When he told us, he transformed into some dude and ran off. Why didn't you bring us along?"

"Because your clones wouldn't be able to handle staying up for the amount of time we're going to be gone." Yugito's eyes narrowed even further.

"How long?"

"Two years." Yugito jumped up and heel dropped his head into the ground.

"Bastard! You complete, and utter, BASTARD!"

"y'know, it was an oversight on my part not to bring you along, since your clones could stand the strain. If you left one behind, you could probably still catch up." Naruto stood up, seemingly impervious to any damage Yugito could throw at him. "We're still relatively close to Konoha. Come Henge'd as old you, Anko is with us."

"Anko?" Yugito squinted in a decidedly cat-like fashion. "Who's Anko?"

"She's a deserting apprentice of Orochimaru. She's a Konohan like us."

"Oh. Well, if I can come with, then I'm okay!" Yugito walked off, forgetting her anger at Naruto. Naruto blinked before chuckling at her mood swing. Gamabunta blinked, confused and slightly alarmed at how fast that happened. Naruto turned around and stared at the toad boss.

"My god. Kid, do you know what you just did?" Naruto shrugged. "You just placated a raging female Jinchuuriki in less than a minute. You are a monster in diplomacy."

"Is that supposed to be impressive?" Gamabunta's eyes bugged out, mouth flopping open and shut like a fish gasping for air.

"Is that- is that supposed to- kid! Jinchuuriki are nearly IMPOSSIBLE to calm down! They will rage for days at any supposed grievance until they wear themselves out! And you calmed down a FEMALE Jinchuuriki with a FEMALE Bijuu, the most spastic combo of them all, in less than a minute! Have you been trained by a professional or something!?" Naruto blinked. "You haven't. You have not been trained at all. You're doing that on instinct."

"It's just what I did after I calmed down from my youth." Gamabunta blinked once.

Twice.

Thrice.

"I… see. I suppose that makes sense."

"What makes sense?" Naruto asked.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you became Hokage right after the previous Hokage was assassinated."

"…" Naruto grimaced, preferring not to think of the sorrow he had gone through when he had heard the news.

"So you, for all intents and purposes, were Hokage for little over… half an hour." Naruto opened his mouth to protest. "Be quiet! And even that was only because Konoha was in a state of war. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, in times of war, the civilian council has absolutely no power in decision-making?"

"Correct…" Naruto ground out.

"I see. Well." Gamabunta snapped out his tongue to catch a fly that was buzzing around his head. "You were saved from every single duty of the Hokage. You did not have to go to council meetings, you did not have to make diplomatic treaties, you did not have to assign any missions, and you did not have any training by the previous Hokage, as is the tradition."

"And what is all of this belittling supposed to point out?"

"I am going to be your tutor on such matters when you get to the mountain. End of story."

-----------------------------------

Sarutobi Hisko was in his office, calmly smoking his pipe, when Uchiha Itachi burst into the room, out of breath. "Hokage-sama! Naruto! He's… he's…" a coughing fit wracked his body as the demand for oxygen overtook him. Sarutobi, slightly alarmed at the display, got up and pounded on the Uchiha prodigy's back. Blood-colored spittle flew out of the ninja's mouth. Itachi stopped coughing and stood up straight. "Hokage-sama, Naruto is missing!"

"What!?" the Sandaime was not sure which to be more alarmed about: the fact that an extremely talented, young ninja was hacking up blood in front of him, or that Naruto was missing. He chose the latter. "Are you sure?"

"Yes! Hatake-san and his other adopted son, Rock Lee, are missing as well!" a swirl of leaves later, and an ANBU was standing in front of him.

"Hokage-sama. I followed the lead that a mob would break in on Yugito-san, but she is missing. The leaders of the rabble have no idea where they are." The elderly Hokage kneaded the bridge of his nose, remembering suddenly what Konoha's mysterious helper had said. He sighed.

"It's all right. I know where they are." Itachi brightened considerably.

"Good! Because I just got back from a mission and-"

"Or, rather, I know who they are with. I have no idea where they are going. They are with a man who calls himself Fox. He has helped Konoha avoid a crisis many times." The ANBU looked up, startled.

"The Yondaime's ghost!?"

"hardly." A voice from the window spoke. Sarutobi whirled around, startled. Fox jumped into the room. "Yondaime rarely gets personally involved anymore. It's taxing on a ghost to effect physical things. I'm doing most of his dirty work."

"Fox! What are you doing here!? Didn't you say you were… following up on a lead?"

"I am. I'm just a clone left to watch over Konoha." The ANBU looked back and forth between the Hokage and this mystery man.

"You… work for the Yondaime?"

"Yeah. He came to me in a dream. Said he needed some help, that his work was not yet done." Fox said, lying through his teeth. The ANBU fell backwards on his butt comically. Fox turned to Sarutobi. "I've heard some disturbing things from a barkeep about Uchiha Fugaku. He said that Fugaku is having secret meetings at night, with the elders of the Uchiha clan. He's heard some rumors about it, and what he told me was disquieting." And every word of it was true. Fox had heard it from gato, who apparently kept his ear to the ground about such things.

"What did you hear?" Sarutobi was almost afraid to ask.

"He said that Uchiha Fugaku is in the earliest stages of planning a coup d'teat against Konoha." The silence in the office after that statement was palpable. "He's thinking this through with a paranoia that sickens me. Though it gives us time. If he keeps to being as paranoid as he is now, it should give us a few years before he strikes." Fox spoke. A disturbing thought had run through his head when he heard it from gato. 'The timeline matches up with the Uchiha massacre.' He had shivered when he realized this.

Sarutobi was silent. Itachi had gone perfectly still. The ANBU was staring with open eyes at the man who dared suggest that one of Konoha's greatest clans was planning to overthrow the Hokage. Fox shrugged. "they leave no evidence, but I managed to infiltrate them. I asked Fugaku when it would happen, and he immediately shushed me and told me to come to him in a secure location to talk about it. That was all the confirmation that I needed, and I left." He looked at the grim Hokage. "well, Hokage-sama? What are you going to do?"

"it matters not what I do. It's what young Itachi here does." Fox turned, and realized that Itachi was present.

"… father… he… he wouldn't do that… would he?" Itachi looked up. "he wouldn't try to overthrow Konoha, would he?"

"I wish with all my heart that it was false. Fox, however, is one of the best information gatherers that I've ever known. You know of the Kumo kidnapping crisis?"

"yes…"

"Fox knew about it the entire time. He was the one who interfered and saved the life of the heiress, Hyuuga Hinata. I suppose it was also you who wrote the note on the kunai as well." He turned to Fox.

"the Yondaime told me what to write, but yes, I did write that note. As I recall, it earned young Naruto an entire clan devoted to his well-being."

Sarutobi smiled, oh so slightly. "yes. So you see Itachi, the information that Fox gives is not to be taken lightly. Were that it was only a rumor from a barkeep."

"I…" Itachi trembled. "I don't like that… I don't want that…"

Sarutobi gripped Itachi's shoulder. "Itachi. With information like this, it is time to pick sides. Are you loyal to your clan… or are you loyal to Konoha? Are you loyal to your father… or are you loyal to me?"

"I… I am loyal…" Itachi started. "when you become a ninja, loyalty to the village becomes your highest priority. It becomes more important than any family obligations." Itachi looked up. "I am loyal to you, Hokage-sama."

The Hokage smiled. "thank you, Itachi. What I am going to assign you now is an S-class mission." Itachi straightened up. "infiltrate the inner workings of the Uchiha rebellion, and find out anything you can about the rebellion. Report all your findings to me."

----------------------

"Naruto, why are we headed towards Mizugakure?" Kakashi asked as Naruto, Henge'd as his older self, walked along the dirt road.

"Because I need to know more about the other elemental countries. I have only been in Konoha and fire country for most of my life. My knowledge on any other country is appalling." Naruto spoke as he walked along. "And… I think this is about the time that something happens to one of my greatest friends."

"… It's Haku, isn't it?" Kakashi said. Naruto nodded. He looked over his shoulder. Rock Lee and Anko were talking animatedly farther back.

"Yeah. I can't help him out of his misery, because then we would never meet Zabuza. But I can't just let him stay there with no help now that we know about it." Kakashi nodded.

"I see. To Mizugakure it is." Naruto smiled.

"We're coming… Haku…"

----------------------------------------------------

Okay! I was going to make this chapter longer, but I decided to post it as is! I've got an announcement to make.

I'm putting this story on the backburners. I'm sorry. Either the creativity for this story has dried up (which I dearly hope is not the case) or, I need a massive break from it. It's not going on hiatus, but it's not going to be my top priority anymore.

On a side note, if any of you read One Piece, I've got a new story in that category. It's like this story, only I believe it's written better. Check it out if you can.

Sorry about this, guys! But I can't write a story if I can't get my ideas down on paper! This is The Animaniac Dude, signing off. (for the last time?)


	14. DO NOT REVIEW TO THIS POST!

**DO NOT REVIEW! THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER!!**

**DO NOT REVIEW! THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER!!**

**DO NOT REVIEW! THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER!!**

Hey, guys. This is the animaniac dude. For those of you that don't read my profile (frankly, I don't know who does. I have no idea why I continue to put stuff on there.) I'll give you the news here.

My house was robbed.

It happened while my family and I were in Chicago for a two-day family graduation party, so nobody was hurt. (I have a lot of cousins.) apparently my dumb-ass sister left the back door unlocked before we left. Only three, possibly four high-price items were taken: my Wii console, (notice I said Wii CONSOLE. All the cords required to run it, as well as all the games for it, were left behind.) my PS2 console, (again, without cords or games) my sister's busted computer, (she stepped on the screen, so we had it hooked up to a monitor to make it work. The thief left the monitor, as well as the power cord and the freakin' battery.) and possibly a tiny booklet of gamecube games. (they left the actual gamecube, though. It's strange.)

Due to the nature of the items, and the fact that other things were left untouched, (my mom's money and jewelry was untouched, as was the plasma TV. Even my dad's laptop, which was plugged in in the next room, was left alone.) the police think that it was one of the neighborhood kids that did it. In my opinion, it's probably one that I somehow pissed off, since the items are all related to me: my wii console, my PS2 console, my booklet of my games, and my sister's computer, which I use more than she does to type all my stories, since mine got bugged up.

However, this doesn't really have any bearing on my story writing ability, (other than the fact that my creativity has gone to hell in a handbasket), except for one thing.

My flash drive, with all of my stories on it, was plugged into my sister's laptop when it was taken.

I had almost completely finished the next chapter for all of my stories, (the will of D, Prophet, AND ASC, ASL, as well as a new one-shot for the One Piece community. That was the reason why all of my updates had completely stopped over the summer. I had a good reason!), before it was taken. Needless to say, those chapters were not backed up anywhere, AT ALL. Therefore, they are completely gone. My will to retype them has completely dried up.

I apologize for this weak-ass excuse for not posting, but It is now physically impossible for me to give you those chapters. If, by some miracle, I get it back, then I'll post them all ASAP.

I'll leave this up on all of my ongoing stories until I either retype the chapters or get the flashdrive back. When I do, though, I'll delete these little notes, so please don't review to this. If you have to tell me something, send me a PM, or post a review on one of the other chapters.

Sorry, guys, but this isn't my fault. My only hope is that the police give this bastard hell. This is the animaniac dude, signing off.

**DO NOT REVIEW! THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER!!**

**DO NOT REVIEW! THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER!!**

**DO NOT REVIEW! THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER!!**


	15. Discontinuation

Hey. I've finally gotten around to looking at this story, and I'm wondering what the hell I was on when I wrote it. I can't even remember the plotline I had planned out, or if I even had one at all. It reads like I was high on coca-cola and marblecake, on an archive binge of Naruto the abridged series, and just doing whatever the hell I want, by the seat of my pants. The character development was abysmal, the humor was way too crackish, and I pretty much made Naruto and rock Lee into God-Mode Mary Sues. This last one, more than anything else, makes this story unreadable (and unwritable) in my eyes.

Frankly, I wouldn't know where to start up again even if I felt like trying. I just can't write in this madcap style anymore. I suppose this is what happens when you get better at writing, but this is just way amateurish for the current me. And going back and rewriting it all so that I could continue this really just doesn't appeal to me.

As such, I am discontinuing A Second Chance, A Second Life. I despise authors who do this, but I simply cannot continue this story. If anybody felt like adopting it, I won't complain, but I no longer want to write this story. You've all waited long enough for an answer, so here it is. Thank you, faithful readers that have held out this long. Your loyalty is a balm to my soul.

The Animaniac Dude.


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